First Year 12U - First time coaching girls - Need reassurance/Help

[MMAKOL]

First off, definitely consider losing the running as punishment thing. I do it so seldom that I can tell you about each time I've done it in the last five years. It is easy because it was just once and the girls were so surprised and shocked by it that they were actually apologizing to me after it was over. It simply doesn't work with girls and they will be bothered by it.

You can coach boys and girls the same. However, never forget that they are not the same.

I've coached girls for over 12 years and the best advice I can give is that you must really watch what you say to girls. Boys hear exactly what you say and nothing more. Girls hear completely different things, often something that really isn''t even close to what you've said. For example, have you ever said to your wife after running into a friend you haven't seen awhile, something to the effect of, "Gee, honey. It looks like Jill has lost some weight" only to have your wife hear, "Gee, honey. You're fat!" ???? I know you have!

That is what you deal with when girls are around. You have to anticipate what the girls might hear whenever you attempt to correct them or impart discipline. You also have to be careful about overly praising a girl in front of the whole team (praise several, it will work better) because if you do, one or more girls won't hear the praise, they'll hear, "He said I suck."

You also can call girls out for mistakes, but it helps tremendously if you explain that you are not picking on them but you saw this as an opportunity to teach something to the whole team about what not to do and what you'd like them to do next time it comes up. You then can thank her for bringing up this splendid teaching moment and tell her she's awesome and that you know she'll get it right because now she knows what to do and all will be fine.

Oh ... and about the criticism. Remember, they are girls (who will be women), and that by nature they are more self-conscious than boys (or men) and that again, by nature, they will spend more time than males do analyzing and trying to fix things that aren't quite right. Because of this, they will respond much better to coaches (men, especially) who spend more time appreciating the things they do right rather than those who feed their already overworked self-consciousness.

Absolutely awesome post. Thank you so much for the responce. I have definitely already decide to remove thne running for punishment as I believe I can accomplish what I want in a more effective manner.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Another thing to consider is how well your players know you. What kind of relationship have you built with them? Have you had much time to build those relationships?

My daughter, 14, is more sensitive than most. What I've learned from her over the years is that it is important that she feels the coach likes her and has confidence in her and cares about her beyond just being an athlete. If she gets that, she can take/hear more criticism and firm feedback pretty well. If she doesn't get that from a coach, and the coach is overly critical, she's not going to stay with that coach long.

I've been on teams where otherwise good coaches jumped in too soon with a bunch of orders and discipline without getting to know the players or building any relationships. Kids don't respect that. Sometimes when kids cry in sports they're saying ''my coach hates me.'' Don't know if it's a boy-girl thing, but I do think it's a kid thing. Their desire for approval is usually pretty high. They don't want to disappoint you. When they feel they have, they can get upset.

 

[MMAKOL]

Another thing to consider is how well your players know you. What kind of relationship have you built with them? Have you had much time to build those relationships?

My daughter, 14, is more sensitive than most. What I've learned from her over the years is that it is important that she feels the coach likes her and has confidence in her and cares about her beyond just being an athlete. If she gets that, she can take/hear more criticism and firm feedback pretty well. If she doesn't get that from a coach, and the coach is overly critical, she's not going to stay with that coach long.

I've been on teams where otherwise good coaches jumped in too soon with a bunch of orders and discipline without getting to know the players or building any relationships. Kids don't respect that. Sometimes when kids cry in sports they're saying ''my coach hates me.'' Don't know if it's a boy-girl thing, but I do think it's a kid thing. Their desire for approval is usually pretty high. They don't want to disappoint you. When they feel they have, they can get upset.

They have gotten to know me as the involved Dad over the last year or so.(No overly or annoyingly involved, involved for assistance with hitting, warm ups...etc. Can I get to know them more, and they get to know me more, sure.

This Travel team is considered VERY lax in the travel world around here. Some of the teams we face practice 3-4 days a week and have very specific stations at those practices. Very well executed and very well staffed. Our organization(team) was started by a few dads who wanted their DD's to play more competitive ball. Over the years they merged with another group and the organization has over 10 teams ranging in age from 8-16. Our particular team practices ONCE per week, and I'd say 8 girls show up consistently. The practices are 1.5 hours long. I'm not complaining, I accept it for what it is and just love the fact that my DD has a great time playing softball and is seeing the competitive side.

When I was asked to coach this season I told them I need more time with the girls to help develop some of the basics I felt they were missing from observing them over the 2 seasons. They agreed and let me run a Wednesday Skills practice every week. I get 3 girls consistently to show up...THREE, and one of them is my DD. The manager has sent out emails explaining that the practices are "not optional" and that every player should make it. This past Wednesday....3 girls again, and a multitude of excuses as to why others didn't make it. As the 3rd coach, and new guy I have no authority to make adjustments, just suggestions.

I value that time with those 3 girls as I know that EXTRA work they get, and the hard work they are putting in is going to pay off down the road. I tell them that every Wednesday.

And the girls not showing up isn't related to me, every parent(and kid) is extremely excited to have me as a coach, but they always find excuses for their kids not to attend because they know it doesn't matter come game day, those girls will be playing regardless of practice attendance(Sat or Wed) or performance. I know that will hurt them in the future, but the parents don't see that since there is never any ramifications for their actions.

I guess I'm the guy(coach) that believes is accountability and holds everyone to that high standard no matter what their age. The first 2 girls that cried I chalked it up to them not being ready for a tough(er) coach(discipline, respect, accountability). But after a few weeks I obviously think that I may also be contributing to their emotions with my approach or style, which is why I started this thread. So far I have read some amazing posts and reference material and will definitely be making adjustments to my approach.

I also want to reward these specific 3 girls with something special to acknowledge their continued attendance and HARD work.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Then I wonder if it's partly a case of your not being what they're used to. They interpret your desire to take them to another level as disapproval because no one has held them to this standard before.

My DD was on a team last summer that she thought had coaches that were too harsh, or too critical. And I agree that they sometimes were less than positive. This fall, she joined a lesser team whose coaches are pretty good but laid back and much more tolerant. Her new teammates complain about one assistant that they don't like because he gets on them more than the other coaches. My sensitive daughter's ironic reaction, having played on more serious teams, is to applaud this coach. She thinks some of the players need to be called out. She's accustomed to the bar being set higher. She can't believe that some kids don't look at the coach when he's talking, or don't hustle when doing sprints, or constantly chit-chat when doing drills and aren't working to get better. It has made her appreciate her old coaches and understand why they were so demanding (even though she and I still believe they could've communicated that in more effective ways).

 

[MMAKOL]

Then I wonder if it's partly a case of your not being what they're used to. They interpret your desire to take them to another level as disapproval because no one has held them to this standard before.

My DD was on a team last summer that she thought had coaches that were too harsh, or too critical. And I agree that they sometimes were less than positive. This fall, she joined a lesser team whose coaches are pretty good but laid back and much more tolerant. Her new teammates complain about one assistant that they don't like because he gets on them more than the other coaches. My daughter's reaction, having played on more serious teams, is to applaud this coach. She thinks some of the players need to be called out. She's accustomed to the bar being set higher. She can't believe that some kids don't look at the coach when he's talking, or don't hustle when doing sprints, or constantly chit-chat when doing drills and aren't working to get better. It has made her appreciate her old coaches and understand why they were so demanding (even though she and I still believe they could've communicated that in more effective ways).

The Manager and other Coach are great guys, but also self admittedly lacking in baseball/softball skills and drills. They are definitely being influenced by me as well, but in a limited way. I think it is very important to have balance in coaching styles. I have no problem being the "Bad" guy for lack of a better term because I know in the end, from my 8 years coaching baseball the kids and parents always come back to me for gratitude after they see the improvements and success their kids have had over the season. However, I have not experienced anything like this before with the "emotional"(crying) side of the players.

I'm smart enough to recognize I need to alter something in my approach. I must remain tough, but in a more gentle sensitive way, if that is even possible.....LOL

 

[sluggers]

However, I have not experienced anything like this before with the "emotional"(crying) side of the players.

LOL...oh really? You've coached baseball for seven years and you've never had a boy get angry and throw things?

When faced with an unwelcome situation, boys tend to get angry and throw things. Girls tend to cry and pout. Both are emotional responses. Male coaches (like me and you) tend to be more tolerant of emotional outbursts by boys.

E.g., David Ortiz smashes a telephone with a baseball bat. Is that better or worse than a girl shedding a few tears after striking out? Men laugh off the Ortiz event as a guy being "too competitive and out of control" but then think the girl is "weak".

I'm smart enough to recognize I need to alter something in my approach. I must remain tough, but in a more gentle sensitive way, if that is even possible

It is more about reading and understanding the girls.

Girls don't have "testosterone rage" the way men do. So, they are *less* emotional about the game than men. But, men perceive crying as emotional, but yelling, screaming and slamming lockers as "competitiveness".

Quick story: My DD#3 played hoops in college for a male HC. So, the male HC would go nuts at practice, yelling and throwing things. The first couple of times, it intimidated her. But, she noticed that the girls directly in his line of sight during his tantrums would have the "serious" look on her face, while other girls not in his line of sight would have a, "look at this bozo" grin on their face.

Girls hate losing as much as boys and are as competitive as boys. But, they are much more mature about winning and losing.

On a personal note, I have to applaud your willingness to seek advice and to read and think about other people's opinions.

 

[marriard]

I'm smart enough to recognize I need to alter something in my approach. I must remain tough, but in a more gentle sensitive way, if that is even possible.....LOL

Maybe think of it a very different way - stop thinking of it as being 'tough' or 'tough coach'. "Tough" is yelling football coach talk and the more I see it, the less I believe it really works for boys either.

Think of it as setting expectations they should or could be meeting - and let that influence how you talk to them. You can also talk more long term - a lot of my coach-talk to my current team (which are the same age as your team) is along the lines of "You have the potential to be great and you are already good - but to get to great you need to <<insert the skill/effort/teaching thing you want to convey>> and this is the time to do it. And never, ever forget to throw out the "Yes, that was what I was looking for" line when they execute what you want (which you should also be doing all the time anyway).

People always talk about the exception - the one you can yell at. Well guess what - she is going to be just fine when you don't yell at her as well because she is probably already self-motivated anyway - and while you can be more pointed about how you talk to her about skills while allowing you to be consistent in your approach across the whole team.

Easy to reward the girls who turn up for the required extra work - playing time, higher in the batting order and giving them more time in the positions they want to play. Oh and the "All that extra work is paying off" when they do something good in a game said in a loud voice that all the parents can hear every a few times per game wont go astray either.

 

[RetiredCoach]

I want to backup what Sluggers said and compliment the fact that you recognized a problem and
cared enough about the girls you coach to find a better way. When I started coaching girls
fastpitch softball, I had a lot to learn. And, to be honest with myself, I have a lot more to learn.

 

[MMAKOL]

LOL...oh really? You've coached baseball for seven years and you've never had a boy get angry and throw things?

When faced with an unwelcome situation, boys tend to get angry and throw things. Girls tend to cry and pout. Both are emotional responses. Male coaches (like me and you) tend to be more tolerant of emotional outbursts by boys.

E.g., David Ortiz smashes a telephone with a baseball bat. Is that better or worse than a girl shedding a few tears after striking out? Men laugh off the Ortiz event as a guy being "too competitive and out of control" but then think the girl is "weak".



It is more about reading and understanding the girls.

Girls don't have "testosterone rage" the way men do. So, they are *less* emotional about the game than men. But, men perceive crying as emotional, but yelling, screaming and slamming lockers as "competitiveness".

Quick story: My DD#3 played hoops in college for a male HC. So, the male HC would go nuts at practice, yelling and throwing things. The first couple of times, it intimidated her. But, she noticed that the girls directly in his line of sight during his tantrums would have the "serious" look on her face, while other girls not in his line of sight would have a, "look at this bozo" grin on their face.

Girls hate losing as much as boys and are as competitive as boys. But, they are much more mature about winning and losing.

On a personal note, I have to applaud your willingness to seek advice and to read and think about other people's opinions.

Yes, I've seen the emotional outbreak from Boys, and even had one or two cry over the years, but not for providing positive feedback or corrective comments to them. When they personally don't do well, or boot a routine play because they know they should have made it, yeah I've seen an outbreak of throwing stuff. And you know what that got them? Running and Benched...PERIOD. NOT acceptable behavior at any level, or any gender.

I try not to ever be viewed as "crazy" coach because I know that never ends well. I'm passionate, driven, tough and genuinely care about each one of these kids.

I pointed out from Day 1 that I am not here to make them simply put the ball in play in 10U, 12U softball, but I am here to help them grow and develop the proper mechanics as a Middle School, High School, potential College Player if they so choose. Most of these kids have had success at the younger age because they are athletic and were capable of hitting the ball, but their mechanics and fundamentals will kill them come Middle School and High School. We already saw that in our first season as 12U. We we went 3-12 for the season. Not good at all, and we were eliminated in first 2 games of playoffs. This, after winning 10U State B Championship in the Spring.

As 3rd coach I have no say in batting order or playing time or I would immediately incorporate that into the games. As Manager in baseball I did it when needed. A "starting" player riding the pine is a ego crusher and straightens them up ASAP.

I can only control my practices. I really need to make it more of an enjoyable experience so that the other girls will be begging their parents to get them there. That's my goal.

 

[Little Angels Softball]

Maybe think of it a very different way - stop thinking of it as being 'tough' or 'tough coach'. "Tough" is yelling football coach talk and the more I see it, the less I believe it really works for boys either.

Think of it as setting expectations they should or could be meeting - and let that influence how you talk to them. You can also talk more long term - a lot of my coach-talk to my current team (which are the same age as your team) is along the lines of "You have the potential to be great and you are already good - but to get to great you need to <<insert the skill/effort/teaching thing you want to convey>> and this is the time to do it. And never, ever forget to throw out the "Yes, that was what I was looking for" line when they execute what you want (which you should also be doing all the time anyway).

Easy to reward the girls who turn up for the required extra work - playing time, higher in the batting order and giving them more time in the positions they want to play. Oh and the "All that extra work is paying off" when they do something good in a game said in a loud voice that all the parents can hear every a few times per game wont go astray either.

I use this same approach quite often.

You also said you are holding the girls "accountable" but that you only have three girls coming to the "second" practice on a regular basis. Using the approach from above, I'd would stress to the girls that they need to hold themselves accountable, have each other's back, work together so they can get better, be there for one another, etc. In my experience, girls are more amenable to holding themselves accountable while boys are OK with a coach doing this job. If you can convince the girls to police their own ranks (not hard, they want to do that anyway), your job will get much easier and you will no longer have to be the "bad guy" at practices.

Perhaps for the last five minutes of the "not optional" practice, you can sit down with the three girls who show up regularly and tell them what you'd like to work on and where you're trying to take them but that it will require their teammates being there because proper execution requires an entire team. Also give them some specific goals you're trying to reach by doing so ... i.e. "I really think we can beat the Panthers!" or "I think we can win the Memorial Day Tournament!" or something tangible that will mean something to them. Do this two or three times to instill in the three girls what you're after. When you're confident they've bought in, then do the same little talk at the "main" practice where you have most of the team in attendance. My guess is you'll hear at least one of the three girls backing you up and putting peer pressure on her teammates to show up to the "second" practice. In fact, if the personalities are the right type, you might even have all three talking up the idea to the others. Girls will respond to this in a heartbeat and they will all know you like them, care about them and have their best interests at heart. This is a huge part of what girls need from their coaches.

Worth a shot .... right?