What to do about bullying coaches?

[coachgs]

I am at the end of the rope with these coaches bullying my kid. I just don't understand. We joined this travel team just a few months ago, most all the other kids have been on this team for at least a few years. The coaches have been with team previously as assistants for about a year and then became the managers/coach after they forced out the previous guy.

I would say fielding and throwing she is in the upper middle, batting I would put her in the bottom third, but could be higher if they gave her more chances up to bat, but that isn't really a big concern of mine. Her primary position is the backup catcher where she is very good.
She also plays on her HS JV team. The problem has been during practices mostly, these two coaches constantly berate her about everything, if she makes a bad throw or misses a catch, they always ride her. If she makes a good play they don't really say much, they might say something like "better". But if one of the other players misses a catch or makes a bad throw which happens just as frequently or even more frequently from some of the players, they don't say anything to them. If one of the other players makes an equally good catch or throw the coaches get very excited for them. Funny thing about yesterday's practice was during fielding drills where the coach hits the ball to positions and they throw to first usually, she made a few good plays from 3rd, the coach then stopped hitting the ball to 3rd for some reason. Eventually another player (who is the best fielder and hitter on the team) waiting behind her became a little agitated because they were just standing around while the coaches ignored her.

So I just don't understand. She is a quiet kid and never talks back to anyone or cops an attitude with any of the players. During yesterday's practice, she left in tears after all the berating she received from them. Since we joined this team her confidence has really really gone down. We don't really want to quit the team because I don't think we can join another team this late in the season. Also the softball community is a very small world, everyone knows someone from every other team. I am kind of afraid to say something to them because I don't think it will do any good and it will probably just result in them not playing her at all, but I do know things can't continue like this. I think they would like to talk to all the players the way they talk to mine, but they don't. I don't think I would have as much of a problem with the berating if the coaches distributed out the berating equally among all the players.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[PGSAKen]

Do you or DD feel comfortable sitting down and talking w the coaches?

Is do it. If no changes then its not a fit.

If not then theirs a bigger problem.

If they dont know how to properly motivate each girl as they are all different and they are unwilling to talk about it then your DD needs a different coaching style or shes likely to quit the game at that age.

 

[JAD]

I would say fielding and throwing she is in the upper middle, batting I would put her in the bottom third, but could be higher if they gave her more chances up to bat, but that isn't really a big concern of mine.

Your statement "but that isn't really a big concern of mine" when your DD is in the bottom 1/3 of batting order, tells me that you and your DD are not ready for TB. If you are not going to make it YOUR responsibility to work with your DD (outside of regular practices) to improve and be the best player she can be, you need to put her back into a rec league with equal playing time and coaches who are only allowed to use "positive re-enforcement" coaching techniques.

 

[Mylil32]

First of all, make sure you're not just being a daddy and having the "everybody's picking on my DD" syndrome. Since she left in tears I'd say it's not that, it is effecting her.

I'd sit down and talk to the coaches, let them know that she isn't motivated by humiliation or screaming, some girls are, some girls aren't. Let them know that she is no longer enjoying the game and her confidence is suffering. If you don't feel comfortable talking with them, that is a problem. Coaches and parents should be able to discuss things and if you can't, then that's not the place for you. Not sure what part of the country you are in, but around here there are constant postings on message boards looking for players, she can find somewhere else.

 

[WB Coach]

I am at the end of the rope with these coaches bullying my kid.

The first sentence speaks volumes. Sometimes parents view their DDs through rose-colored glasses when, in fact, their kid is not that good. If I have a player that is not performing up to par I have to be critical of her and verbalize my instructions more clearly. I try to do this one-on-one to avoid her getting embarrassed but sometimes it happens on the field. I can see how this can be seen as "bullying" by a parent as I have been on the other side of the fence, myself, and have seen the same exact thing. There comes a time when a coach has to make a decision that giving one girl a lot of extra attention is taking time away from the entire team and therefore he must "move on" to the more coachable players. It doesn't sound like bullying to me, then again, hard to tell without being there. Sounds more like "demanding" or "strict" than "bullying." Time to talk to the coaches to clear it up before you have a coronary.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

most all the other kids have been on this team for at least a few years.

This tells me that the other girls must be happy. I am not saying that you are wrong. I just think that your DD isn't used to the coaches way of handling people.

My boys played for a very strict coach and we always thought that he had favorites, too. I do understand what you are going through.
After awhile, we adapted and now, I am sorry that I wasted time worrying about the coach.

Now, if coach is screaming and cussing, that is a different story. I have missed how old your team is. Thanks.

 

[GunnerShotgun]

Your statement "but that isn't really a big concern of mine" when your DD is in the bottom 1/3 of batting order, tells me that you and your DD are not ready for TB. If you are not going to make it YOUR responsibility to work with your DD (outside of regular practices) to improve and be the best player she can be, you need to put her back into a rec league with equal playing time and coaches who are only allowed to use "positive re-enforcement" coaching techniques.

We were in agreement until the last sentence. If you find yourself continually yelling at a player that you picked for your team perhaps you should reevaluate your coaching skills.

I am not saying that I don't ever yell but on the rare occasion that I do it's at the team as a group and not a particular player.

And when I say "you" I am not picking on JAD just coaches in general.

I was a huge fan of Bobby Knight as a coach but the cursing and screaming was overrated (although funny).

 

[sluggers]

To a large extent, I agree with JAD. Of course, it is possible the coach is going overboard. It is hard to tell from your description--"berate" means different things to different people.

Coaches come in all shapes and sizes. The key for a coach is to find kids who respond to her/his way of doing things. There is one great coach in Chicagoland who yells at his players all the time. But, the players love the guy because he treats *all* the kids poorly. There is another great coach in Chicagoland who is like everyone's favorite uncle.

It is unlikely things are going to change. If your child isn't having a good experience with the team, then she should find somewhere else to play.

 

[coachgs]

Thanks for the replies. No I don't have rose colored glasses about her skills.
She attended about 10 practices during the winter before they invited us on the team. 5 of these practices were with a senior coach from the A team. He is a great coach and motivator, yes he does yell at the kids, but he yells at all of them. My daughter has a lot of respect for him. She said when he would yell at her it made her want to do better. We ended up on the B team as they needed another catcher. So the coaches knew what they were getting beforehand.

These coaches are more like managers as another parent put it. Since the season started in march 2 kids quit. 1 kid wasn't a big loss but the other was a pretty dependable pitcher.

We do have her regularly seeing a hitting and catcher coach.

As I said before I don't think I or my dd would have any issue with his style if they would treat everyone the same. Ie missed ball by player x gets the same treatment as player y when they miss a ball.

I agree I don't think things are going to change.

 

[Perfect Circle]

Good or bad...they are blessons. Lessons that were blessings when looked back on. JMHO I would not want this for the long term. Not only is this approach unwelcoming, but if submitted to this autocratic me-lase, they will be at the mercy of all other's using the same style. There might be a real avoidable Hitler waiting for you down the roads...I would stick it out to learn the pathology...but then you must win in the end of this timeframe. Providence 2 U