teammates are smoking weed

[Amy in AZ.]

A smoker, it doesn't matter what kind, is against everyone's policies - or should be. You have no other option, but to cut her. What she is smoking is a problem at 14, but that is beside the point.

So, then, we have to ask - how will you know if she is smoking currently or if this was a stupid mistake that she made one time? In the early 70s almost all of my classmates smoked mj. They started at 16. All were National Honor Society members. They were my friends, but I wanted to become a teacher and I didn't smoke. It just didn't interest me.

I am more concerned about a group of girls that are trying to intimidate your DD. I would be in the principal's office about that.

 

[coach james]

I agree with Amy in asking if this is an isolated incident or is it a habit. As far as the bullying goes... my dd is no small fry (5'9" 140#) and pushed back. They know she wont be pushed around.

 

[T.J.]

If she has NOT done the act on your watch or during any of yor TB tream activity time then I think you need to be careful about being the judge and jury of her life here. Her parents should be the one disciplining by showing her the repercussion of her actions; they should cut her (or not)...it's their decision on how to discipline.

But you DO KNOW about it, so you cannot NOT do anything. As coach, because all the news seems to be widespread and "in the air" I would discuss some life lessons with the team; and where you go with that is up to you. I think you need to show the girls and parents that you do know about it, the team does know about it, and this is how I am reacting to it. We're going to talk about it together, and/or individually, try to help and learn from each other on this and other social pressures & influences that will come their way. You're going to let the girls know that you are leaving the discipline up to the parents; as you would do for all the girls and you would hope any other coach would do for your daughter. By having the talk at least the girls and parents know you are not ignoring the situation.

Maybe this is the best way to handle it, maybe it's not. In the long run...who the heck knows. So let them know as a parent you are learning on how to deal with these types of issues and you feel this is the best course of action; and that you will always be there for girls/parents now and in the future.

This might help things in the hall-ways too; if it doesn't then you should be knocking the Principals door down. I would not handle any of that bullying or anything related to HS or HS team team on your own; you are very vulnerable with all that.

As we know there's no rule book on all this parenting stuff so we all know you'll do what you feel is best and you will not ever be judged cuz were all learning too.

But this kind of outlines what I would do.

And as Red Auerbach once said..."Stand up for your players. Show them you care on and off the court"
I think cutting her would make you the judge and jury and that's serious. It also would show no loyalty to the kids and families, and demonstrate a "no tolerance" policy; so what do you do if you learn that someone is drinking, stealing, bullying, etc.?

 

[chinamigarden]

The toughest part of this is that your dd has to live with the consequences of your actions. At this point I think you need to resolve this with the mother of the pot smoker. Also don't compromise your principles for a good player. Otherwise where do you finally draw the line crack? Heroine? Drinking and driving? Assault? Or would it be a sliding scale. Good players And their friends van smoke pot but marginal ones cannot?

 

[coach james]

Thanks TJ
Im really struggling with this right now because we have an indoor practice scheduled today at noon...its gonna be on my plate sooner than Im ready.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I googled Coach Talking about Drugs and Alcohol and found this - https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles/173393.pdf

 

[T.J.]

Thanks TJ
Im really struggling with this right now because we have an indoor practice scheduled today at noon...its gonna be on my plate sooner than Im ready.

You're never ready for this and the other issues down the road (drinking, driving, boyfriends, etc.) They're teenage girls & boys that are growing up and learning....it's all normal and expected. Be LOYAL to all of them through it all, and they will be loyal to you!


I would not address the issue at an indoor facility. I've had some best practices in THE LIBRARY in one of the conference rooms that ths kids still talks about years later. There is a right time and place; today is probably might not be the right place but set something up quickly. Before or after parctice let them know you're scheduling a special no glove no bat bag practice somewhere where you all can relax; maybe a spontaneous team pizza party at your house..idk that's up to you.


My Momma always told me..."Worrying is useless imagination". And she was right.

Your deep concern shows me you will do just fine; just be Dad.

 

[GOINGDEEP]

BTW, several of these girls are on the hs team and they know that if I were to find out, their eligibility would be compromised.

This is where I too get confused and would have to evaluate a situation very carefully before I took action. If they are basically a good kid, do you/we really want to jeopardize her future/college over some "teen" experimenting with weed? How many of you baby boomers might have tried it or know someone who did. How many of the men on here swiped one of dad's cigars or a can of beer and sat by the lake to "try" with friends.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm NOT condoning any of this. The teen years are hard, we all remember them. There are A LOT worse things these kids can be doing then a toke now and then. The hard part is weed can be a one time deal, a daily deal, a weekend deal, a few months and they get tired of it deal, a college deal, or a "I'm 60" and still smoke deal. We as parents just don't know.

After sleeping on this I'd be cautious on tossing this girl off your team. Maybe she's got some personal issues your not aware of, maybe she's temporarily hanging around the wrong crowd, maybe she's made some poor choices lately. But maybe the team......the softball program......the softball family...... helps this young lady through a difficult time in her life. I would be afraid taking softball away might compound the problem.

Me.........I'd probably have a group meeting with my girls, remind them I was once a teenager too and realize the pressures that are involved. I'd let them know ( I, my wife, AC, other parents ) are here to help/listen more than just softball. I'd let them know that if I feel one of my girls is getting out of line it will be dealt with. But most of all I'd let them know we love them like they are our own.

 

[29dad]

If it were just a matter of the pot smoking, I would let the parents handle the discipline. But given that the pot smoker is part of a group of 5 girls who are actively bullying your daughter (correct me if I'm wrong about that), I don't think you have any choice but to cut her. just my two cents.

 

[Indiana]

I wish I had a magic answer that would make the player see the error of her ways and have everything work out like in a Disney movie. All I can really offer is support and my opinion that you are doing all the right things so far. I'll also put in my vote not to cut her - ditto GD's advice.

My high school coach was amazing. She had the talk with us on several occasions - one of my teammates was suffering from an eating disorder. Looking back, I can see how hard it was on the parents, the coach, the athletic director. This girl would try to hide it, wear baggy clothes, try to deny it all. She would show up at our pre-practice runs and try to work out with us. We were kids; we didn't understand the gravity of the situation. We would actually form a little running bubble around her to hide her as we all ran together. The AD would catch wind of it and actually come sprinting out onto the track and stop us. We all thought the AD was the meanest guy on the planet. We thought we were sticking up for our friend and that it was us against the cruel world.

Our coach talked with us about dieting. She made a rule that if any of us were dieting we would not be allowed to practice. You wouldn't think that this is much of a rule, but studies have shown that MOST teens will follow rules MOST of the time. It is better than not having a rule at all and it showed us that the coach cared and that she took the situation seriously. It woke us up and made us realize that maybe this was a bigger deal than we thought.

Our team could have crumpled, it truly could have. Our coach pulled us all back together by talking to us all the time and by setting rules and by letting us know that she was watching us like a hawk. And she was. She was always available and made it clear how much she cared. The girl with the eating disorder? She never played again, she actually didn't recover until much much later (but did recover thank goodness). But our team survived.