Parent's game plan

[Greenmonsters]

The biggest issue I see is too many voices on how to do things, from coaches (plural) to other parents to the kids' own parents to bystanders (yes!).

The kids get bombarded with changes to make and become self-conscious.

I would say make sure you and at least the team and private coaches are on the same wavelength on what you are teaching and practicing. And stick to that one thing at a time, no matter all the other input.

As a female adult, it happens to me when I play both softball and golf, and I know more about both than all the adults around me put together.

SB - Although your're probably correct, it's dangerous to make an assumption like this regarding softball, life, or just about any subject. Besides stories of the olden days and creaking joints, age begets the wisdom to realize that the more you know, the more you realize that you don't know! This stage unfortunately is preceded by the 'I know it all stage', which can be career limiting, regardless of career!

As my joints will attest, been there and done that!

 

[bobbyb]

Very good question and answers. Agree with everyone

I will add to remember...that most of the softball experience is about....having an experience with your dd. Having something that you and she can have fun with...and something you can related to enough...to teach her life lessons that she can understand. We look at it as a learning experience for both of us. I am thankful for the experience...cause i was not very good at barbies!

Part of keeping it real is by...constantly checking myself for what state I am in...checking what i was saying, how i behave, my expressions or whether i was being too serious myself. This one is easy cause you can just watch some other parents and go....OK...i don't want to be like that! Just last night...we pitched indoors and there is a little 10 yr old with dad pitching next to us. Niether looked like they were having fun, dad would hiss, huff/puff and the little girl did not smile..not even one time that i saw during the whole session. Drives me nuts. Can't wait to get outside again.

Set your goals, have her set hers and both stop periodically and "take inventory on yourselves". Be real...be honest...put it perspective.

I do alot of what the others said too...sometimes we skip practice and go have ice cream. My dd plays role in decision making (major life lesson). Some days she has the mojo...some days she doesnt....just like me.

One other thing i will add that hasn't been mentioned. Don't compare her with others she knows and plays with/against. Don't let her start comparing herself with others habitually. Not that it isn't occasionally useful to see how you stack up...but to do it all the time is useless. Have her compare herself with where she was months ago or even last year.

I think... the fact you have asked the question means your perspective is good and your going to do a good job. Good luck!

 

[sluggers]

Don't compare her with others she knows and plays with/against.

I really disagree with this. Perhaps at rec ball, when the coach has to play every player the same number of innings, then it might be OK.

Athletics is about comparing yourself to others. That is the whole point of the game--to find out who is better. That is why we keep score. This isn't band competition where everyone gets a "first place". They only hand out one trophy for first place in softball. There is no point in pretending otherwise.

If your DD is trying to beat someone else out for playing time, then she has to compare herself with others. That is the essence of competition--who is better, your DD or someone else's DD? That includes her teammates.

Whether we like it or not, softball playing time is a zero sum game--there is only so many innings of softball in a game, and every inning someone else's DD is on the field means that is one less inning your DD will play.

You need to teach your DD a healthy way to approach it. E.g, there is more to life than softball; failure is a fact of life; life is a journey, not a destination; etc.

But, if your DD is at a high level of competition, she has to compare herself to other people.

 

[starsnuffer]

Play ball with them, but don't coach them. They are your kid, not your student. All you really have in life is time, so how you spend that time with your child is the best, or worst thing you can do with your life.

If your softball sessions are stressful to either you or your child, then you're doing it wrong. You should be having fun, they should be having fun. Challenge them, but the last thing they need is another critic telling them what to do and how to do it.

Hit them ground balls, play catch with them, help them practice. Ask them to ask their coach to give them "homework". Have fun.

-W

 

[Sparky Guy]

Besides stories of the olden days and creaking joints, age begets the wisdom to realize that the more you know, the more you realize that you don't know! This stage unfortunately is preceded by the 'I know it all stage', which can be career limiting, regardless of career!

As my joints will attest, been there and done that!

Have you been standing behind me and listening to me speak???? The most dangerous parent in youth sports is the one who doesn't realize just how much they don't know.

The absolute worst year for some daddies and mommies is either the 2nd or 3rd year of travel ball. By then they "know" more than the coach.

 

[Sparky Guy]

This one is easy cause you can just watch some other parents and go....OK...i don't want to be like that! Just last night...we pitched indoors and there is a little 10 yr old with dad pitching next to us. Niether looked like they were having fun, dad would hiss, huff/puff and the little girl did not smile..not even one time that i saw during the whole session.

Had nearly the same thing happen one time with my daughter when she was in college. It was during the semester break before she headed back to start her full-time season work. There was a 12 year old girl in a tunnel practicing with her dad when we got to the indoor facility. I could tell she was a beginner. My daughter and I were in the tunnel next to them. As my daughter is warming up one of her old HS team mates who was a pitcher shows up to practice at the same time. She is in the tunnel on the other side of the little girl.

As my daughter and the other pitcher are getting up to speed and the gloves banging I could see the poor little girl starting to feel intimidated. Her pitches were going all over the place and dad is telling her to throw the ball harder. My daughter could see the frustration growing in her as well. After one of her pitches she stopped and called the little girl over. I saw the girl smile and nod her head. She went back to her practicing and was doing better and dad quieted down.

After she was finished with her workout and we were packing up I asked her what she said to the little girl. She said she told her that she was the exact same way when she was her age and to keep working hard because she looked like she could be a good pitcher. It was all the girl needed to ease her intimidation and relax.

 

[BB875]

I would like to propose a question to all. With all the competitiveness in softball from trying to earn a starting spot on their team to competing against other teams in tournaments. For the parents that do practice with their daughters on trying to develop their skills. How do we as parents make sure that we don't add to the pressure that they already have, and don't chase them away from the game? As we are just playing a game that we all have grown to love.

I don't believe this is a simple question to answer. Yes, let her play the game & enjoy the time together with your daughter. Try to teach her all she needs to go as far as she wants. Have a great time! However, there has to be a point where she needs to work for what she wants. If she wants to play competitive TB, then she has to work hard. It just doesn't happen. The rewards are great, but like anything it takes work. If it was easy, any kid could do it. I think if a kid works hard and feels good about it, they will continue. There is a lot of pride involved for kids on successful TB teams. I believe a normal kid needs a little nudge once in awhile to keep at it. Practice can be monotonous, and boring. However, its necessary to keep moving forward in development. My opinion is that its a balance.

 

[bobbyb]

Athletics is about comparing yourself to others. That is the whole point of the game--to find out who is better. That is why we keep score. This isn't band competition where everyone gets a "first place". They only hand out one trophy for first place in softball. There is no point in pretending otherwise.

If your DD is trying to beat someone else out for playing time, then she has to compare herself with others. That is the essence of competition--who is better, your DD or someone else's DD? That includes her teammates.

With all due respect…as I know what you have accomplished with your dds...and its impressive. I have a different perspective than the analogies your using.

One being the analogy of competing=comparison. To me…athletics is about competing and comparisons is a small part of competing…day in & out comparisons should be left more to the coaches and fans.

Also…they play the game to “see who wins”…rather than “who is better”. Granted you could add a qualifier and say “better that day” etc. But its semantics either way…because the better team/player doesn’t always win and in team sports…one player maybe have their best performance or a “better” performance than any one else comparatively…and she could still be the loser in the game. I do not have a problem with looking at it as a zero sum game though …cause you either perform your at your best that day or you don’t.

With the goal for an athlete being… to reach “their” optimum level of performance…in practice, tryouts and games…their first competitor and their worst enemy…is usually themselves… no matter what the age.

What parents need to be aware of imo… when constantly comparing and having/allowing dd to do so…is you may be setting them up to have/or use…external frames of reference…and the problem with external frames of reference is…you usually can’t change external things. Maybe if you take the Tonya Harding route of competing…but that didn’t turn out real well for her.

I will say there are athletes… that use external frames in their motivational strategy and have had success…however the usefulness of external frames vs internal frames even for motivational strategies…use to be in favor for internal references by sports psychologist in the old days…maybe that has changed…idk.

I do know...by using internal frames of reference….ie your personal best, your previous performances, how you practice, your effort…etc. …your able to work with things…you can directly change…such as your thought (ie goals, mental strategies, motivational strategies, attitude etc) and your actions (ie behaviors, technique, practices, performances ect)…to get to your optimum level of performance.

The girls I have worked with…don’t/didn’t have a problem with externally comparing themselves, that seemed a natural for them. They did it too much. Same with their parents.

I would prefer my dd to learn to use internal frames of reference for her comparisions, her improvement, her play and for her motivational strategy etc…as that can be more useful in other aspects of life…putting her energies into...what she can change… and leave the constant comparing…to others such as coaches and fans.

Just my opinion

After she was finished with her workout and we were packing up I asked her what she said to the little girl. She said she told her that she was the exact same way when she was her age and to keep working hard because she looked like she could be a good pitcher. It was all the girl needed to ease her intimidation and relax.

Great story Sparky! We have had the opportunity to speak to her this week and its great to see her smile. I love it when teenage girls…get out of themselves…and do something that boost a younger girl. A local younger teams coach asked my dd to come help with their pitchers some this summer…I will be good for her and those little ones!

 

[Sparky Guy]

Also…they play the game to “see who wins”…rather than “who is better”.

I believe it was Sue Enquest that I was reading an article about who said UCLA softball used a phrase to motivate their players at the start of every season and throughout. She would tell her players the scoreboard does not know who is supposed to win the game. It was their job to be sure the score went in their favor.

 

[druer]

For the parents that do practice with their daughters on trying to develop their skills. How do we as parents make sure that we don't add to the pressure that they already have, and don't chase them away from the game?.

Pretend that softball is just like a video game, cell phone or TV. If they love it you wont be able to keep them away from it and they'll beg you to practice with them. If you have to "make" them practice then you are adding pressure to their lives.