Broken Heart
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- Nov 29, 2009
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SC Dad,
I have one of my former players going through something similar to the OP's situation. The former player is a very good pitcher and SS. She too is on an ultra competitive HS team. She is as good or better a pitcher than the senior #1 on the team. Collage coaches routinely come to the games. Last year as a freshman she played JV and out played the competition by a large margin. At the start of this season the HC told her she would be on Varsity. He told her she would play SS, but she would not pitch. He had his #1 set already. The #1 is a good pitcher who is headed to a DI school.
True to his word she has earned and has been the starting SS from the beginning of the season. There was some grumbling by a couple of the older player parents early in the season, but her play has shown she deserves the spot. She has an OBP of .590 right now against some of the best teams in the State hitting in the #2 hole mostly. She makes all the plays with VERY few mistakes on the field.
She could have pouted about not pitching. Instead, she took the job the coach gave her and beat out any other player on the team for the position. I spoke with her about it before the season started and made sure she understood her role on the team. It didn't take much of a conversation. She knew the situation and had made her mind up already she was not going to be beat out for the starting SS position.
I have one of my former players going through something similar to the OP's situation. The former player is a very good pitcher and SS. She too is on an ultra competitive HS team. She is as good or better a pitcher than the senior #1 on the team. Collage coaches routinely come to the games. Last year as a freshman she played JV and out played the competition by a large margin. At the start of this season the HC told her she would be on Varsity. He told her she would play SS, but she would not pitch. He had his #1 set already. The #1 is a good pitcher who is headed to a DI school.
True to his word she has earned and has been the starting SS from the beginning of the season. There was some grumbling by a couple of the older player parents early in the season, but her play has shown she deserves the spot. She has an OBP of .590 right now against some of the best teams in the State hitting in the #2 hole mostly. She makes all the plays with VERY few mistakes on the field.
She could have pouted about not pitching. Instead, she took the job the coach gave her and beat out any other player on the team for the position. I spoke with her about it before the season started and made sure she understood her role on the team. It didn't take much of a conversation. She knew the situation and had made her mind up already she was not going to be beat out for the starting SS position.
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Thanks everyone for your comments, and I certainly don't feel like anyone is "coming down" on me or my post. I asked for your honest opinions and you gave it to me. I had my dd read all of these posts and I think it gave her some positive feedback. I also took her to her pitching coach and they had a little 1 on 1 conversation to talk about everything. I told my dd that if she really wanted to not play next year that I would support her 100% but she was going to to finish this hs season out and be a supportive teammate on the bench (this is the teams best chance to win states in history in school history) . After a lesson today (pitching and therapy I should say) she was walking with her head held a little higher. She said she was determined to get stronger and develop another pitch and win the spot next year. My next question may be more of a parenting question than softball, but how do you deal with the situations when your dd gets down on themselves and wonders if all of this hard work is worth it? My dd is a very emotional 14 year old, how or what have you done to get them over this hump?
As an adult, I think of the poor people of Joplin, MO. (and other areas.) They had it all and in one short moment, it was gone.
With a teen, I would take her out and play catch and then, do some hitting practice.
With a teen, I would take her out and play catch and then, do some hitting practice.
Close...I took her out for a pedicure!
Sluggers, you are absolutely right about that. I knew she would have to compete to play, but I wasn't aware of how competitve the girls were with each other. The girls on the team will do whatever it takes to get another girl kicked off the team if they feel she is taking their playing time. One of the seniors is currently going on a rampage trying to get a junior kicked off for something that happened off of school grounds..and she has the pictures on her cell phone to prove it! This kind of behavior has been going on for years and I just don't know if my daughter has the mental toughness to deal with it.
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With DD#1 I waited until she was 17, she got over the hump by herself.
So basically you rewarded her attitude. I can understand a 14 year old being childish about playing time, after all at 14 they are still children. I can also understand a parent wanting to find a way to ease the hurt. But the best thing is to tell her "buck up buttercup". This is what I tell my kids when it comes to inter team competition. Work harder, make the coaches decision to pick you easier. If someone else has your spot, do whatever the coach asks you to do. Do it well and work hard in practice. Eventually you will get what you want. But to give her a treat is in my eyes a validation for her hurt feelings. If your DD has any aspirations of playing in college, and she quits, how would she handle this question from the college coach who recruits her, Why did you quit playing HS ball? If she answers, Because I didn't get to pitch my freshman year but another girl got to pitch in a game. Thats not going to look good.
Give her a couple of days. This feeling will pass and hopefully it will be replaced with a renewed work ethic that will blow the HS coach away.
To add to some very good advice…Its sounds to me like a typical 14yr old response by your daughter. It is a heart breaker to see your kid go from excited about something to something she would want to quit…but the fact that she “perceives” that she was slighted and wanted to quit without “knowing” why all this took place…would be what I would be concerned about. I would handle it by wanting to make sure she has viewed this situation…. from multiple perspectives and is coming from a point of choice… rather than response before she quit.
It is very easy for a teen to see it from “only her” perspective. That’s what teens do. Its about them…its me/I… AND its personal to them.
Getting them out of that… so they can “perceive” the other perspectives (many possible perspectives mentioned in other post here)… is the difficult part.
If you can help her look at something from different perspectives…she may be able to create choices…. in how she responds to the situation herself. It’s a great mental pattern for them to use in life.
She already has her perspective…ie…it ain’t fair…he slighted me…I am bored….whatever she has decided about it.
Have her really look at it from being the coach…then from being the other pitcher…or have her look at it from another teammates perspective. The more the better…but at least 3 perspectives.
The goal is to create choice…by accessing other thought/views/feelings about it. Not easy for adults...let alone teens…but if you have good communication skills with her…you can help her do it.
You guide her…ask her questions and give little suggestions for her to come up with her own thing….like “put yourself in the other pitchers shoes...how do you think she may feel about the situation?”….”how would you feel if you were her?” etc. Do the same from coach perspective…ie…”if you were the coach and you had two good young pitchers and it was still a year away before determining who will be starter…how would you go about getting them playing time…this year?” “As a coach how would you determine who would play as a freshman?”. Etc etc.
You can use “what if” scenarios…to help her access new thoughts/perspectives…ie…”what if both you girls split time next year? How would you feel about that?” “What if the coach is waiting to see who…works the hardest this off season? What if that is his style?” “What if you are not there and the whole school is excited about state playoffs and your not a part of it next year…how are you going to feel?”.
Be creative…the more perspectives she has...the better choices she can make for herself. Then if she is deciding to quit from a point of true choice…support her.
Good luck with your DD.
It is very easy for a teen to see it from “only her” perspective. That’s what teens do. Its about them…its me/I… AND its personal to them.
Getting them out of that… so they can “perceive” the other perspectives (many possible perspectives mentioned in other post here)… is the difficult part.
If you can help her look at something from different perspectives…she may be able to create choices…. in how she responds to the situation herself. It’s a great mental pattern for them to use in life.
She already has her perspective…ie…it ain’t fair…he slighted me…I am bored….whatever she has decided about it.
Have her really look at it from being the coach…then from being the other pitcher…or have her look at it from another teammates perspective. The more the better…but at least 3 perspectives.
The goal is to create choice…by accessing other thought/views/feelings about it. Not easy for adults...let alone teens…but if you have good communication skills with her…you can help her do it.
You guide her…ask her questions and give little suggestions for her to come up with her own thing….like “put yourself in the other pitchers shoes...how do you think she may feel about the situation?”….”how would you feel if you were her?” etc. Do the same from coach perspective…ie…”if you were the coach and you had two good young pitchers and it was still a year away before determining who will be starter…how would you go about getting them playing time…this year?” “As a coach how would you determine who would play as a freshman?”. Etc etc.
You can use “what if” scenarios…to help her access new thoughts/perspectives…ie…”what if both you girls split time next year? How would you feel about that?” “What if the coach is waiting to see who…works the hardest this off season? What if that is his style?” “What if you are not there and the whole school is excited about state playoffs and your not a part of it next year…how are you going to feel?”.
Be creative…the more perspectives she has...the better choices she can make for herself. Then if she is deciding to quit from a point of true choice…support her.
Good luck with your DD.
Thanks again for all of the advice. I was just talking with one of the parents from our travel ball team and I wanted to see how your HS teams run. Our school does block scheduling and each class is 88 minutes and they rotate classses every other day. The girls that play varsity softball are required to have last periord study hall so they can get out early and practice before they leave @ 2:30P for 4P games. As my DD and the other girl are freshman, they didn't have the liberty of knowing they would make varsity and have actual classes last period. So this requires them missing last period each game day and instead have to meet with the teacher that morning at 6:30AM on game days. For the past two weeks we have been having doubleheaders (game at 4P/7P) and getting home around 10PM and still having showers and homework to do.
Perhaps some of her anxiety is that she is just tired. Is this normal and do your hs teams operate like this?
Perhaps some of her anxiety is that she is just tired. Is this normal and do your hs teams operate like this?
