Parent drama.....

[Cornbread]

 

[sluggers]

In what instances have you asked a parent/kid to leave your team due to drama?

A bright line test:

If you need more than 1000 characters (roughly 200 words) in your post to explain the problem, you should leave.

 

[CMMom1740]

I was trying to avoid reliving it all lol, but I guess more info is needed to help everyone form an opinion.

So, we are kind of a different type of team. This is just a rec ball team I coached for 3 years (my kid is also on the team) and we wanted to do a little more for our kids than what our rec league offered. We have access to a local tournament group for rec/c level teams that we play in now. We do not hold tryouts, rather I try and give opportunities to the girls in town who want to try and get better. I am a volunteer. We do not hold tryouts. The girls enjoy playing with their friends and classmates.

I had recently asked all parents if they planned to continue with our team and she said they were trying out for a different team, which, for the record I have no problems with (this is not the first issue I've had with this parent, she also sent me rude and condescending messages at the start of the season then continued to complain to other parents all season, and also, doesn't work with her kid, then blames me because she isn't getting better).

We do not have a ton of extra girls in our area who are interested in playing and I needed to know if we would have enough kids to continue into another year. So, she said they were trying out for another team and would only play with me if she didn't make that team or if they didn't get enough girls to have a team. I said that was fine, I just couldn't guarantee her a spot when I had a few girls who were ready to come play with us. She then messeged multiple parents saying the other teams coaching and practices were much better and her daughter has been practicing with them and has learned so much (for the record, I am a new coach, but she has never stayed for a practice so I'm not even sure how she knows what we do.....) then posted on Facebook about the other teams tryouts and how excited she was that her kid was going to have the opportunity to play for this coach and how great of a player he made her sister. And all this is fine except then she deleted the post and text me and said her daughter would play for us for me in the fall.....that evening I told her that I'm not sure why she wants to continue with me when she has this other opportunity (fyi it is because 3 of the kids she was hoping would tryout joined my team and I think she realizes they won't have enough players) and that based on her opinion of myself and our team we should probably just go our separate ways. She sent a nice response back to me, which surprised me. Then she immeditely sent a messege to a parent accusing her of telling me what she was saying and told her she didn't apprecite her starting drama and now I've kicked her kid off the team when she was fine with playing for me the whole time.......mom basically said you better back off. Then when I woke up the following morning I had a messege from her saying how she never had a problem with me and I am extremely immature to hurt her kid because I didn't like her......when I did not respond back the next day she posted on Facebook about how someone hurt her kid only because they didn't like her and that person needed to act like and adult (fyi that person was me).....when one of my parents responded with basically "this is your fault our team doesn't want that drama and won't let you pull us down" she deleted the messege and blocked me and that other parent.......

I have given these kids the opportunity to play at a level they wouldn't have been able to (at 9, I'm not sure more than 1 or 2 of my kids would have been selected to play on a team they tried out for. The majority could not catch or throw when we started) and I have dedicated a lot of my time to them. Every other parent I have appreciates that and is supportive and encouraging. The girls have fun and are getting better.....we probably won't win a game this year.......but they have learned quite a bit and we see improvement every game.

When I said I would coach this team, I told parent I have a 0% policy on drama. When it starts I'm out. If I didn't have 10 other parents on my team who were extremely kind and supportive i would have just said I'm done and taken my kid to play elsewhere. Both my other coaches said we needed to cut them. I guess I was just feeling bad for her kid. She is probably the worst player on my team but she is so sweet and funny. The mom just will never be happy because I'm not the coach she wants her kid playing for.

I would say to formalize your process. Have tryouts and parent contracts with dates (our season is from ____ to ____ and at that time, all players must try out again). Formalize a parent code of conduct and make them sign it. And tell this lady you have filled all available slots with players who committed for the entirety of the year and she will need to go ahead and take that other offer. You do not need that type of toxicity. If she asks why, say because it was clear she was looking for greener pastures and she should go continue her search elsewhere. Done and done.

 

[Cyder517]

The information you provided only makes me wonder WHY are you even questioning cutting this family. The moms sounds bat shirt crazy- manipulative and confrontational too. I don’t care what level/age this is!!!! Since you do not hold tryouts, you can simply hold a parent meeting with a parent handbook/contract. She has already broken codes of proper conduct.


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[justanotherguy]

My DD is 16u now, been playing travel since she was 8. I've coached a few teams here and there but basically just been an involved parent. Looking back, it's funny how much time "we" spent on families like this. Here's the catch: they don't matter. They will pull a few players. It doesn't matter. The will bad mouth your decisions. It doesn't matter. Go with the flow and do your best for the girls you coach, and CUT THEM ASAP! Everyone has said it time and time again. This parent will try to slight you at every turn. Eventually, they'll get over it when their DD quits the game. It doesn't matter. Make the game the best you can for the girls that you coach from season to season. Learn all you can so that you can help them. Stop worrying about the troublemakers and just CUT THEM. 10 years from now, you'll scratch your head on how you let them bother you so much.

Above all of this, OPENLY communicate with your team parents. Don't hide anything. This may hurt you, but it'll benefit you more than hurt. (No good deed goes unpunished.) Tell them why their DD isn't playing position XYZ or riding the bench more than Suzie. Tell them what YOU see and the issues you have. Some will appreciate it and a few won't. As long as your intentions are the best, then you'll be doing the best by the kids you coach. Sometimes, you have to coach parents too. Sometimes, they're just not coachable.

 

[The Man In Blue]

Ambern — sorry you had to recount that, but knowing more helps me understand the predicament you are having. I, probably like most here, assumed this was a typical “travel ball” team. The fact that you are essentially a community/rec program does change the way I see it ... sort of.

My take is still the same, but it makes me understand a little more about what is driving that parent’s behavior. I ran our local rec program for about 8 years or so and I saw that play out time after time. Sometimes it was players, sometimes coaches, sometimes entire teams. Basically, the time has come to make the jump from rec to competitive/travel, but the player/parent/coach/team wants the best of both worlds until they can feel comfortable with stepping up or getting beat back down.

Every year I would have at least one coach (from our program and from outside our program) contact me wanting to put his/her team in our local rec league so they could “practice for a year before going competitive”.

Every year I said “No, our program is not ‘target practice’. You can sign your players up and we will assign them to teams with our process, or you can take your pre-assembled team to play competitive.”

Moving up is tough. But you (parent/player) either need to suck it up and do it, or shut it up and enjoy playing where you are at.

 

[Westwind]

There is some really good advice in this thread. When it comes to the great kid with a problem parent, true problem parents either don’t change or it takes them so long to change that it isn’t worth the wait.

Wish them the best and move on. It’s a real bummer. It has to be that way.

Being a sports parent can be hard. It takes awhile for some of us to learn how to act, lol. I agree with the comment that parents need to be trained just like the players. True problem parents do not respond to training no matter what you do.

 

[Rick M]

Sometimes you have to play Judo. Assure this parent that their daughter is just too good for your local team that is only focusing on fundamentals. Point her in the direction of whatever online source provides local travel tryout info. Someone will take their money.

 

[uncdrew]

We had a set this year that was actively undermining everything, all the time. Stirring up drama, trying (with varying degrees of success) to bring other parents into it, etc. Sweet kid, though, seemed to be thriving on the team, so he didn't cut her (softy). Big mistake, he should've. Pretty much destroyed our team. Live & learn.

My experience is that cutting is usually done too late. In some cases, way too late. I'm guilty of this as well.

The parents stirring the pot, causing drama, being jerks -- just cut them. You'll send a solid message to everyone and might save the season. Their behavior won't stop, regardless of talking to them or dishing out consequences. The only thing to do is cut them. Sucks for their kid, but perhaps it will save them on their next team.

Let it go and other parents start disliking the coaches because they find you weak or not looking out for the team, or you have parents getting sucked into their drama and agreeing with them. Neither are a good solution for the team.

Having been a coach and a parent (as many here have done), you know as a coach you're only hearing a fraction of the bitching and drama that's truly occurring.


[EDIT] After reading you added detail, this mom is manipulative, bitter and catty. Put her on another team.

 

[djcarter1966]

Thanks for clarification I was kind of confused I guess initially...this all sounds really easy now...tell her she is simply not welcomed on the team. Crazy parents are the fastest way to blow up a team...I would consider a probationary period but from what you said it sounds like it just wouln't be worth it....what is the attitude of the kid? What age group? If it's 14U you might have a chance sitting down with kid and mom and trying to work things out but my sources say this will end badly and probably best to cut loses...but I am a sucker for third chances...lol