Going to war

[WARRIORMIKE]

View attachment 4623
My $0.02.....

Classic!!! I loved it.

 

[cmustangsfp]

I was so amazed when a teen would show up to spend the night and I never heard from the kid's parents. Geez.

Ain't that sad? I am also amazed at how many parents would let their kids come stay over at our house without even knowing us. I could have been Charles Manson or Jefferey Dahlmer, but they didn't know. My DD's have only stayed over at their gma's house and one friend's house. We knew their friend's parents and were constantly over there as well.

 

[cmustangsfp]

I appreciate the input from all. I really don't think it's drugs, but I wonder about the depression. She has a distant relationship with her mother mostly because she disapproves of the choices her mother has made since we divorced. I try to encourage her to be more involved with her mother, but whenever we have a discussion on that issue it ends with her in tears saying that all her mother wants is a babysitter for her other kids. It breaks my heart. She has a good relationship with her step mother, but it just can't be the same. I wonder if this plays into this at all or if it's just a girl in love who doesn't want to do anything other than focus her attention on him. It's hard to know when they don't really talk to you.

You have started down the right path. Stay involved. My brother and sister-in-law (SIL) just won custody of her neices kids. Her neice came to live with them when she was 15. She came from a VERY disfunctional family, mom and dad hooked on meth, weed, coke and they were divorced. She stayed with them and they put her in private school and started her on the path to a different life. When she was 17, during her break from jr to sr year in HS she went back to live with her mother in another state. She fell in "love" with this guy, got pregnant and decide not to return to her aunt's house. She had 2 kids out of wedlock with this "WONDERFUL UPSTANDING CITIZEN" who was only 4 years older than her (at 17). Her mother took her and partied and took drugs with her (probably causing the miscarriage of the 1st baby). My SIL's niece died in a car crash along with the baby-daddy (convicted felon, drug dealer) while the kids were at baby-daddy's parents house. It took 15 months to get the court to let them have the babies (18 mo and 3 yo) and let them have a fresh start. This neice was looking for "love" when what she really wanted was a mother, she couldn't get it from mommy so she found the next best thing and clung to him to her bitter end.
Stay involved and try to provide what she is looking for. Talk with her about how tough it is to have a mom that makes poor life decisions. Offer her some counseling time. It will be money well spent. She is desperately looking to fill a void. Keep talking to her. You are on the right path it sounds like.

 

[Indiana]

Take the phone away. I never understood the powerful hold that the phone has on our DD until a little incident this past weekend. DD has her permit and wanted to drive to the store. OK - I got in the passenger seat. We had just pulled out of the driveway and her phone rang. DD acted as if a live bomb was in the car, insisting that it was an emergency and she HAD to answer it. "No, you are driving. Do not answer it," I said. She looked as if she was holding a live grenade. Seriously. I think she started to hyperventalate. "OK, if it is important, pull over when it is safe, stop the car, and answer it." DD immediately put the CAR INTO PARK. The car made a horrifying transmission failure prepare to be out $5000 type of a noise. Luckily we were going 3 mph and were 10 yards from the driveway on a quiet little street so no damage was done. BUT - the lesson - teenage girls (and boys, I suppose, but I'm not there yet with DS) can go completely mental. All reason will leave their brain and they will lack the ability to function rationally. The interesting thing was, DD immediately burst into tears, saying that it was not her fault, that the friend in question never calls unless it is an emergency, she can't believe this sort of thing would ever happen to her, etc. etc. etc. This taught me that in some instances, our teenage DD's truly CANNOT think for themselves.

My suggestion to the OP would be to schedule DD's time. Homework time is from 4-6 p.m, for example (or whatever 2 hour block works for you). No phone, no distractions whatsoever during this time. Sit with her the ENTIRE time. If she swears up and down that her homework is done, then she can read until the 2 hours is up. (who knows, maybe she'll start talking to you for lack of anything better to do!) The issue with her mom is a little bit worrisome, but hopefully this is a teenager type of an issue rather than a depression type of an issue. If the problem persists, then by all means of course look to professional help.

I hope my little story helped you to know that we are all in this together

 

[sluggers]

When we hit the teenage years, we had problems as well. We took a page from the Mormons (Family Home Evenings) and modified it.

We ate dinner as a family around 6PM. We turned off the TV at 7:00 PM on school nights for everyone, including the parents. Computer use was limited to homework. We could read, talk or play family games together. Friday and Saturday nights were not regulated--but, of course, they had a lot to do on the weekends.

This worked amazingly well. My wife and I enjoyed it so much that, 10 years later, we rarely watch TV at night.

IMHO, parents should focus on fixing the family rather than fixing the child.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

Indiana, That is a good lesson, that I need to learn. I do talk on the phone while driving, but I am seeing GDD play with her phone while she is playing on her electric 4 wheeler.

OT - but eating in the car, bothers me more than talking on a cell phone.

 

[02Crush]

Sorry you've been put in that situation, but she hasn't earned her privileges, so she has earned the other alternative instead.
Probably not going to be fun, but the choices she made directly dictate those you make.

Exactly. But you have to lay it out up front. My Dad did this. Mom not so much. Relationship with Mom was always a fight. Dad, well no fight, I just knew what came next cause he outlined the "rules" up front. I plan on this for mine. Already started with the oldest.
Rules are as follows:
Fill in your blanks....
Good Luck.

 

[Ajaywill]

Drugs and Depression have been mentioned....not to alarm you, but better to check everything out and try to deal with it before it becomes a major issue.

The boyfriend has not been mentioned, do you know him and/or his family? Could it be possible that he is contributing to some of the issues? Just another thing to check out.

Best wishes to you....my youngest DD is now a senior in HS...I have been through it with her and her two older sisters.

 

[Momo'sDad]

Mojo just turned 11. She came home yesterday with a C on her recent math test. The teacher gave her the opportunity to correct her test for partial credit. I don't necessarily agree with that, but it's their class policy. It would've taken her 5 minutes, maybe 10 minutes at the most to complete and check her work, but she made the choice to be hard-headed about it, feigning 'I don't know' with regard to simple math facts. I'm not sure why she wanted to stall or try to get me to do the work for her, because the latter was not going to happen.

So, she was relieved of her phone, while I went online and printed out a couple of worksheets for her. It would've taken her approximately 8-10 minutes to complete them. Why was she still working on this assignment more than 2 hours later (included a 1-hour dinner break, which she wanted instead of knocking out the final problem)? You'll have to ask her. She could've been done in 10 minutes and had time to get in hitting practice. She cost herself that time, not me. School isn't a game. I told her mother I wasn't at all concerned about her tears. She's going to do her work and if she says she has troubles, we're going to do extra work.

To make a long story short, if for whatever reason her grades fall below a certain level, phone and extracurriculars will be taken away. This was communicated to her coaches when she first joined the team and they fully support a school-first policy for all the girls. I'll be speaking with them this week just so that they're aware that she's already got 2 strikes just 1 month into the school year.

 

[Sweet Lou]

...It would've taken her approximately 8-10 minutes to complete them. Why was she still working on this assignment more than 2 hours later (included a 1-hour dinner break, which she wanted instead of knocking out the final problem)? You'll have to ask her. She could've been done in 10 minutes and had time to get in hitting practice. She cost herself that time, not me. ..

Off topic but DD (8) does this all the time, crocodile tears included. Drives me and DW nuts but neither of us will crack on letting her out of it.

DD (15) used to do that too though usually w/o the tears, she got much better when she finally came to the realization that she simply had to do the work because we weren't going to let he slide but man it can be a struggle sometimes with them.