Going to war

[cmspock]

DD is just 11 and we are trying to nip it in the bud now. Due to homework not getting done, she has been without phone, tablet, and DS for the past 7 days and I must says she hasn't been so nice in a long time. Nose isn't stuck in a device. Homework is getting done. Tests are being studied for. Chores are getting done. She's asking to practice pitching. But she is defintiely experiencing some electronic withdrawal.

Dad and I have earned these shirts...

 

[lstorie1971]

I decided that rather than taking the confrontational approach, I'd take a more conciliatory tone. I explained to her that I thought she was a good girl and I was happy that she was my daughter. I told her that I wasn't going to dwell on why her grades slipping, but I was going to reintroduce the rules she's had in the past and stick to them. The rules were simple:

1. Homework done right after school.
2. No phone until work is done no matter how long it takes. All homework will be checked for completeness by me every night.
3. I wanted to know two weeks in advance before any test, and I'd help her study for it.
4. No phone after 8:00 p.m.
5. Reading Sunday through Thursday from 9:00 to 10:00 p.m.
6. If there was a D on her next report, no phone for six months.
7. If there was a C on her next report, tutoring would be mandatory.
8. No permit until she had B's or better on her report card.
9. If she got B's or better, I'd let her get her permit before she turned 16.

Overall, she was very tearful and said that she was ashamed. She reiterated her desire to play college softball and said that she would accept my help and work harder toward her goals.

I think we'll make it through this rough patch.

 

[redhotcoach]

Just going through everyone's posts with my DW...this really is a good thread.

 

[splinterpicker]

We had a similar situation that did not envolve boys, drugs or alcohol. Her softball was slipping along with the competetive spirit. We scheduled a meeting with a sport physcologist and it turned out to be the best thing we ever done. Come to find out it was not depression it was stress. And in some ways it was comming from us the parents. She was wearing the burdens of what she thought others expected her to be. In the end my dd was able to discuss with an unbiased person how she was feeling. I honestly have no idea of everything she said, but very little of it had to do with softball. These young ladies go to school 8 hrs a day,practice after school, homework, throw in lessons and all the sudden its a 60 hr work week. Then throw in weekend tournaments and travel time most adults would break down with schedules like that.

 

[chinamigarden]

Kids need structure. I do't mean they need it from a parental authority standpoint. But something inside of them needs it. In fact just about every successful person needs structure. It sounds like you have set out on that path.

2 thoughts, 1. get to know the boyfriend. Find out what he is like and how that relates to your dds softball and school. My dds boyfriend is a big slab, but I am always happy to see him and talk to him. It gives me opportunity to hear what he thinks about dds activities and to judge how important school is to him... Not all boys are interested in what makes your daughter happy, some are only interested in what makes them happy and will knock down anything in the way of that.

2. If your recent rule changes don't work. Get a professional to talk to your dd. This sort of mood change is not unusual but when you combine it with changes in her personality and performance. There is something else there.

3. Yeah I said 2 but this is a big thing to keep on the look out for. Do you keep up on your dds yearly doctors appointments? Lots of people stop when the kids no longer need vaccines on a yearly basis. Get her into the docs for a full on physical, and make sure you leave the room with the instruction to your dd and the doc, that you are leaving so they can discuss in private anything that needs to be discussed in private.

 

[greg99]

I think my DD (13yo) is the only kid that doesn't have a cell phone. She does have an Ipod thingy that she does stuff on and even that creates issues. I am pretty sure these phones are a big issue with kids, take the phone loss halve the problems. The phones are a big probelm with adults too BTW.
Also, there is only one TV in the house and it is in the family room, very easily monitored. Hard for me to understand having a TV in a bedroom mentality. I don't want my DD in her room except to sleep, same with the spouse and I. Iwantto spend time together, not in in our rooms. DD reading in her room is OK.

We really don't have alot of problems with her being lazy, we try not to give her anything to be lazy with.
But then again, she is only 13. I let you know how its working in a few years.

Also, just found out that on overnight hotel stays for tournaments the girls better NOT be in the lobby on there phones. They have to actually talk to their teamates and try to get to know them. If the coach see the girls texting, surfing ...whatever and ignoring others.. the coach will take the phone. I love this. Now if I can just get the coach to take the phone oftheparent I am talking to that keeps checking Their phone, we will have something.

 

[11smom]

I think my DD (13yo) is the only kid that doesn't have a cell phone. She does have an Ipod thingy that she does stuff on and even that creates issues. I am pretty sure these phones are a big issue with kids, take the phone loss halve the problems. The phones are a big probelm with adults too BTW.
Also, there is only one TV in the house and it is in the family room, very easily monitored. Hard for me to understand having a TV in a bedroom mentality. I don't want my DD in her room except to sleep, same with the spouse and I. Iwantto spend time together, not in in our rooms. DD reading in her room is OK.

We really don't have alot of problems with her being lazy, we try not to give her anything to be lazy with.
But then again, she is only 13. I let you know how its working in a few years.

Also, just found out that on overnight hotel stays for tournaments the girls better NOT be in the lobby on there phones. They have to actually talk to their teamates and try to get to know them. If the coach see the girls texting, surfing ...whatever and ignoring others.. the coach will take the phone. I love this. Now if I can just get the coach to take the phone oftheparent I am talking to that keeps checking Their phone, we will have something.

Thank you for mentioning cell phones and social media, etc. I started a reply to thread yesterday, but thought maybe I was sounding too preachy, so I canceled it. My 14 year old DD just got her first phone, and it has limited talking/texting, no internet. (and she is thrilled with it, after waiting so long, and yes, being the last of her friends to get a phone) One tv in our home also, and with limited use. We try to focus on family time, school and sports take up the majority of our time, and our church is important as well.
One of the things that concerns me is all of the 8-9 year old (siblings of friends), that have smart phones, i-pads, etc, and they don't know or care to take care of these items, and then are entitled to the next, best thing when it comes out. Trying not to raise self-centered, materialistic children. (this is not an indictment on different parenting styles, or anyones' DDs - just wondering if all these things contribute to drama and school issues with our kiddos!) We are not the most "popular" parents, but there is structure and love in our home!

 

[greg99]

Please don't get me going on smart phones, social media, blah, blah blah. But I do have a question, and not trying to Hi jack this thread.

Why do most people find it necessary to upgrade thier phones/ipad as soon as a newer version comes out? There is nothing wrong with the older one, except its OLD. I really don't get the thought process on that. Adults are just as bad as kids on this BTW. I wish I could understand it.

 

[JJsqueeze]

yeah....and what is the deal with this "indoor toilet" thing....everyone is so lazy..can't make a trip to the outhouse?

I'm actually with you on needing the latest and greatest....its pretty absurd but different strokes....my whole family is all over the next APPLE product the minute it comes out. works great for me, I get one year old computers/ipods etc. It's good to be the family Luddite.

 

[Sweet Lou]

Please don't get me going on smart phones, social media, blah, blah blah. But I do have a question, and not trying to Hi jack this thread.

Why do most people find it necessary to upgrade thier phones/ipad as soon as a newer version comes out? There is nothing wrong with the older one, except its OLD. I really don't get the thought process on that. Adults are just as bad as kids on this BTW. I wish I could understand it.

I know, mine still works great!