Escalation of Commitment

[Lickety Split]

Not sure we need to call a truce yet, but can we agree to one before it becomes necessary?

We've read a few things differently. I clearly see Buckeye as offering to keep his DD in rec ball, but discouraging MS or TB if she lacks the attitude and effort to fit into the team atmosphere. And I'm good with that. She would be as miserable in that setting (and apparently is already) as he, which doesn't seem all that healthy to me. He also left her with the option to step it up, as long as she initiated the move. I'm good with that, too. So I don't see him closing her out, just tightening up the ground rules a little.

Is he looking for a little sympathy from the group here? Maybe. Likely, even. I probably would be, too. He too a big step and what he saw as a big risk with his daughter that could affect not only softball, but their relationship overall. He shared his uncertainties about it here; I'm sure he'd be resting much easier if everybody rubber stamped his actions. Of course this forum isn't a very good place to get blanket affirmations, so I also think he wanted some honest feedback from people.

Please accept my genuine admiration for your involvement with your own kids. You worked with 5 teams and multiple children at once? My wife and I barely keep up with the only one left at home. If I were wearing a hat right now, I'd be tipping it to you.

A final note. A suggestion actually, if you will. Please be careful about trying to walk both sides of the fence. When you stated, "Well, you don't know anything about us and I'm not about to share. You want to form an opinion about our life and our values, have at it," you were taking me to task for interpreting some of your own remarks about your family in a way that wasn't too flattering. You have every right to call me on that. If I wanted to defend myself, I'd respond with "But that's the only information you gave me to evaluate." Clearly it wasn't enough to understand the full picture of your family dynamic, even though your description of your DD's hypothetical response to a hypothetical situation hit me as stark and stunning. What I believe we do in the DFP community is exactly what happened here. Someone gives information and the rest respond, hopefully in a way that is respectful and helpful (but not in a way that is always easy). So in the give and take we have a chance to clarify and express and challenge and disagree and all that. It's what I think all of us are about here.

Can you see that you did the same thing to Buckeye that you accused me of? You formed an opinion about his life and values, and truthfully, you buried him when it struck you the wrong way. We should all feel free to challenge each other. I've been lit into a couple of times here. So be it. Part of the process. Some days we do better than others.

Anyway, if there's a hatchet out, shall we bury it? And not in each other's heads?

Well said and well heard. Life is all about choices and we live with them, it's one thing we can never take back, the choices we make. So we live, learn and figure out how to keep moving forward. I don't dwell on the past. So yes, hatchet is buried over here with you and all.

I've heard "troll" mentioned a few times all over this board, I'm not totally positive what that is, but I'm pretty certain I'm not one.

 

[sluggers]

I've been here long enough that you should know that I am willing to expose myself here and admit mistakes and make adjustments based on the knowledge and experience of the DFP family.

Buckeye, you've outed yourself.

You are using intelligence, logic and reasoning. You not a *true* softball parent.

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

Does your DD do Merry Tuba Xmas?

This was her third year doing it - she loves it, and she knows the low brass professor at Capital University personally now - he has her stand up during the performance as the youngest player, but that won't last!

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

Quick update:

Since our 2nd heart-to-heart, I asked DD if she would like to take some hitting lessons. She usually says "No," or just shrugs. This time she said "OK." I didn't overreact, didn't go into my happy dance in front of her, just played it cool and told her when they would be an who she'd be working with.

1st lesson was last night (90 minutes: 30 of mental approach discussion, 60 of actual instruction, and the mental aspect is why I wanted her to attend, so bonus!). Instead of doing my usual hover to try and absorb what coach is teaching so that I can instruct her at home, I just sat and read a book. Only looked up a few times, gave DD a thumbs-up, and went back to reading. When we got home she says to me, "That seemed like it went fast, I wish we could have stayed longer." That has NEVER happened in 7 years of softball, no matter what we were working on. Usually it's "That was boring," or "Why do we have to stay so long?"

I'm not declaring that I've got this figured out, but I am convinced that I need to do as nearly all of you said and just let her be her. And while I wish that I could drag her down stairs to practice what coach is teaching, I will not do it. I told her that if she wants to work on anything coach taught her, all she has to do is ask and we'll go down and do some front toss or tee work.

Thanks to all of you who offered helpful/constructive criticisms. By helping me see more clearly what I was doing wrong, you have helped DD be happier.

 

[Indiana]

That's great! I'm glad it's working out. BTW your family's musical talent blows me away.

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

10 days on and we're still doing ok. She even consented to a little tee work the other night (but not last night, "Maybe tomorrow"). She is participating well in the hitting lessons, less so in the indoor league but she's not melting down. I'm constantly reminding myself not to push, and I spend more time trying to make her laugh than trying to coach her. Definitely a process!

 

[grcsftbll]

She sounds so much like my oldest. My youngest is always one more bucket, why can't practice be longer, I wish we had another game (crying after playing 5 games in a day because we are finished and going home). My oldest, it always has to be her idea and she has very little desire to practice outside of team practices. She is incredibly stubborn with a mile wide rebellious streak. I always tell my husband that I could see my little one playing softball in college, or the Olympics someday if they bring it back, but my oldest will likely make her first million before she can legally drink. Lol. Smart as a whip, that one.

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

Another really interesting weekend (and if you're sick of my updates, please unsubscribe - I don't want to bother anyone):

Sat was indoor league, and she was catching again. Had a really good attitude while batting, even got her bunt down for the 1st time this season - she was happy about that! She did strike out on a failed bunt with 2 strikes and was unhappy because she fouled it off - even though she knew the rule. She calmed down much faster than has been usual, and admitted that she knew the rule but had forgotten.

She also got to experience a first while catching - her first obstruction call. I missed the play, just heard an odd sound, turned around, and there she was picking her glove off the ground. A little panic on my end, calm cool and collected on her end...until after the half-inning! The ump and I had been bugging her to back up, and she'd do so for a pitch then scoot forward. She initially said she was upset because she had moved back like we said and still got called, but after a minute admitted that she was really scared by it. I cannot recall a time ever when she has admitted to being scared by anything. I gave her a quick hug and told her how incredibly brave she was to pick up her glove and finish the inning while being scared, told her how being scared but doing it anyway was the very definition of courage. She managed to get up and draw a 7 pitch walk.

On Sunday we have hitting lessons with Coach Linder. DD is starting to come around with her swing, and she enjoys the mental approach discussion a lot so I'm calling this choice a win. Anyway, during the 1st front toss session she kept missing the ball, and I could see her heading for meltdown: effort dropping way off, technique out the window. 2nd session not much better, but she kept going. 3rd session, no idea what coach said to her, but the technique came back even better than before and she was hitting some of them pretty hard.

Honestly, I can't accurately describe the difference in her behavior. This whole self-correcting thing isn't something she was doing even a few weeks ago. My goal: stay positive, let her guide me to what she wants to accomplish.

 

[dbronstein]

I'm hoping that's the case. I recall being pretty good at baseball and music, but I was never pushed. Now I wish I had been pushed, at least a little. But I'm thinking that, as grc said above, I wanted it more than her. Now it's going to be up to her to want it.

This. Trying to find the balance between giving them a push when they need it, but not pushing too hard is very tricky. Like you, there are times when I wish I was pushed a little more. But at some point they have to want it on their own. And if they don't, then there's really nothing you can do.

Edit: Posted before I read all the way through. Glad everything is working out!

 

[grcsftbll]

I don't remember my parents ever pushing me at all and I think it did me a huge disservice. I have to think what's "right" is somewhere in the middle.