Dealing with a difficult ex

[Pitchermom28]

I'm reaching out here to see if anyone else is dealing with a difficult ex and their uncooperation or making it difficult on their DD on making practices, games etc. Now he does not pay for a dime for her to participate in TB. I pay for everything.

Today our coach sent out the Sat tourney schedule and my ex responded to the coach that it was absurd. Our DD has played travel ball for a few years and he is aware of the how travel ball schedules work. One days are usually longer days and games are back to back. He is always combatative and uncooperative on her participation when he feels like he needs to have a controlling input. His behavior will eventually have an impact on the team or teams she is on. Which I do not want to happen. She has such great opportunities to take her softball career a long way and I don't want to see his behavior hinder her opportunities.

I am going to take action to where he has no choice but to cooperate and ensure she is at all practices and games but wanted to see if I'm alone in having to deal with this situation.

 

[coachtucc]

I know a girl I coached whose Dad had to bring her to all the practices because her mom wopuldnt bring her to any practices or games. Yes, they were divorced but I never found out why her Mom couuldnt bring her at all. Eventually this girl had to stop playing. Good fore you that you will ensure she makes all practices. Maybe you should talk to the coach and tell him that her Dad does not speak for you or her. Not sure if that helps but maybe it will.

 

[David Carter]

Definitely talk to the coach, don't talk down your ex, just explain the situation. You and your DD are committed to softball and to the team and sometimes your ex does not have the same level of commitment but please be patient with both of you as you try and make the best of a difficult situation.

You don't want to know and can probably only imagine some of the soap operas I've seen in the past, lets just say girls that used to be teammates and have sleepovers are now step sisters, yeah go ahead and start wrapping your head around that reality TV show drama. Coaches are usually very understanding as long as the girl is able to keep attending and keeps playing hard.

 

[JAD]

Explain the situation to the head coach and assure him/her that you will do everything in your power to prevent it from becoming a distraction for the team. Just about every team has gone through a similar situation, or will in the future. We have a similar situation on our team right now. Mom and dad are divorced, mom has remarried and has kids with husband #2, so putting up with the "softball grind" for DD with husband #1 has become less of a priority. We are lucky that the dad is a softball nut, so he jumps through hoops to make sure his DD is at every practice, game, ect.

 

[Perfect Circle]

Common occurrence... I have seen the worse case... #1 in prison for life :{0

 

[kenb63]

What does DD want? Is she excited about this team and schedule? If she eats infield dirt for breakfast like my DD then dad is going to have a problem if he thwarts her ambitions. Of course, depending on her age, he can do that in the near-term but will regret it in the long-term.

I deal with this everyday. Sorry you're going through it too. I'd reiterate what was said above about shouldering the $$'s. I found it was unwise to have any type of financial dealings with the ex where she would hypothetically reimburse me those portions mandated by our divorce decree and parenting plan. So I pay for softball, I pay for DD's car, I pay for school, I pay for doctors and dentists. Trying to get ex to pay her fair share would just mean rolling out the $200/hr lawyers. But in return ex really has no say in those areas and that is priceless.

 

[Pitchermom28]

Thanks Ken. DD eats, sleeps and dreams softball. She works very hard to be the best pitcher and player she can be. She is 12. She always talks about playing college ball and that is what she works for.

Yes I do see this combativeness coming back to bite him in the butt in the long run. I will continue to pay for everything and don't want him to pay for any of it. Unfortunately for me he still thinks he has a say so in it. I have explained to the coach that his views and support of her playing are not mine. And that I can assure him that she will be at practices and games etc when she is with me.

I just hate it for my DD because she loves this game and knows that he does not fully support her. Maybe some day he will grow up and realize she comes first

 

[Amy in AZ.]

She is 12. In the near future, she is going to put up a howl, to quit going with him. Then, won't it be up to him, to try and force her to? My parents had very lax terms concerning my visitation. But, I can tell you, I would have refused to go, if Dad hadn't let me play softball. That is where I found normalcy.

 

[Mykidsdad]

Sensitive topic that really struck home. My two cents after struggling with this issue for 8 years is to stay focused on who suffers when a parent isn't supportive of daughter's passion. With that in mind, I always encourage DD to involve ex and discuss her softball interest and desire to have ex at games and otherwise be involved in DD's interest so she can have as close as possible relationship with both parents. If Ex's level of interest and support doesn't improve than I do what I can to adjust all other parenting time in Ex's favor so as to lessen the loss of time that playing and practicing requires. I try to avoid the appearance of softball being MY activity with DD and do what I can to make it obvious that it is DD's chosen pursuit and that she needs the support of both parents in order to optimize her chances of success. I think it is also important to be sensitive to doing what you can to make ex feel as comfortable as possible around the softball family at games, practices etc. and encourage DD to communicate performance, game results and other experiences immediately when ex doesn't attend so ex doesn't feel excluded. It is hard, but hardest on the kid when battles over her time and interests occur. Extra effort and sacrifice and patience help. It is the one area where competition isn't a good thing. Ya just keep trying.

 

[Sparky Guy]

PM28,

I am guessing you are the custodial parent. What you have to do is be the buffer between the coach/team and your present situation with your Ex. The first thing to do is to have the coach remove your Ex from any team communications. No coach wants to be in the middle of a hostile situation between two warring parents. All communication MUST go through you and ONLY you. Inform you Ex that for your DD's softball and life sanity you will handle all the team communications and have instructed the coach to communicate with only you. You will be relay all of your DD's schedule information to him. Make sure your EX knows NOT to contact the coach. Let the Ex know if he continues with unacceptable behavior it WILL end up hurting your DD.

I've had kids with divorced parents and a situation right now with parents going through a divorce. So far I've been VERY lucky the parents worked out their differences without involving me.