My DD Snuck out, I am at a loss how to deal with this.

[chinamigarden]

Too many variables to just answer. As others asked why did they sneak out? What did they do that might make it worse? What other discipline issues have you had? How did she do in school?... Sometimes the best thing to do is take a deep breath, look at the child as a whole and have a long talk with them. Find out why they did what they did, what did they think of what they did and then ask them what they think the consequences should be. Limit the time of the punishment, if you make it too severe at the beginning you will be swayed to cut it back later. Then you will look weak. Its better to give her 2 weeks of punishment you are willing to enforce then 4 weeks that you will forget about after 2 weeks.

 

[onkyo]

You know your daughter best. Was this out of character for her? Has she done something like this before? What about lies? Does your gut tell you she has a problem with honesty? I would answer some of these questions... then I would seek out information about the other girl from her parents... has she done this before? Is it normal for her behavior...? what are both girls grades? I just think you should execute a bit of caution before throwing your daughter out with the garbage (yes, that is excessive)... but, if this is way out of normal, then perhaps the real lesson needs to be on identifying when she exposes herself to potential risk. Maybe be thankful that this lesson could be learned at the small price of a lie that didn't cause any real damage. Her friends could get her into a lot more trouble in the future, and then it won't be mom and dad applying the discipline.

It is out of character for her, she has been honest and to my knowledge has not done this before.

I am very thankful this did not cause and irreversible issues, and it has been a life lesson for our family.

We asked her last night what she thinks the punishment should be, and we will see what she brings back this evening.

Thank you all for you suggestions.

 

[CoogansBluff]

I'm confused about why she did it. I'd have to know that before knowing how to proceed. Whey I say 'why,' I don't mean 'to spend the night with a friend.' I mean what was so attractive about doing this for your daughter that made her do something so out of character? Did she ask to sleepover and you said no? Or did she assume you'd say no?

I think the punishment thing here is overrated. Punishment doesn't change a person except to keep them from doing things that they'll be caught doing it. I'd be more interested in why she thought this was a good idea. I'd want her to think 'I'm not going to do this again because it causes my parents not to trust me, and it's dangerous, etc.,' and not 'I'm not going to do this because I'l probably get caught and be grounded.' Sometimes the latter is the only thing that works, but that's usually for more hardened criminals than your daughter.

 

[NorthMS]

Good luck to you. Here are a couple of points...

1) The elapsed time wouldn't help her cause, it would hurt it imo. She had to know the other parents knew and still kept it quite. I'm by no means parent of the year material, but we have PROVEN to our kids that incorrect behavior has consequences. More importantly, covering up the behavior has even more punishment.
2) Take softball out of the decision making process.

DD#1 was the model kid until she hit 12. Since then, it's been a struggle. I can't say ground her for "x", because every kid is different. For mine, taking her phone away for a few days didn't address the issues. Find the punishment that gets her attention and go beyond that.

I do wish you the best. For me, it's always a struggle to separate the disappointment I have, and the appropriate punishment to make them think about the consequences to their actions. They are not always the same.

 

[JAD]

To a 16 year old a cell phone is like crack cocaine, so losing it for an extended period of time would be painful.

 

[BrianMonk]

I don't know how much I can offer given the limited background but I will offer some opinions

Holding someone "accountable" has the be the most overused word in today's American Lexicon. (DF needs a barf emoticon). That phrase is everywhere.

Given this is a 16-year old, I find what she did to be quite common. At least having a desire to experience life while being able to make some independent choices. There's a little bit is thrill in doing this. Maybe a lot of thrill. It's part of growing up.

I'm probably one of the few parents that wished my girls would actually go out a little more often. Not to engage in illegal activities (beyond curfew) but experience life and figuring out making some of those "risky" choices isn't so glamorous.

I had quite a few high performing classmates that were teetotaling HS students and would never go out. Some of them really struggled early in college and one dropped out and went home and another almost slept (not sleeping) her way through college. They were lost when it came time to figuring out how to manage their new found independence.

I actually spent my 21st birthday in Milner library. I had no desire to go to the bars, been there, done that and going out on that night was quite low on my priority list.

I'd simply have a very open honest conversation with my daughter. I'd let that discussion lead me to what, if any, punishment to dish out.

I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing - Thomas Jefferson.

 

[Momo'sDad]

Regardless of what your response would have been, the fact that you weren't informed by either your DD or the other parent does have me raising an eyebrow. Even if nothing happened, the fact that she wasn't where you thought she would be for the entire length of time she was supposed to be there is something you should have been made aware of.

That being said, on the surface, I don't see a couple of good kids "sneaking out" as being a bad thing at all. If they went out to engage in dangerous behaviors like smoking, drinking, illicit sex, etc. then I'd have a very real problem with it, but even then, I'm going to be more focused on trying to get them to understand why certain behaviors can be dangerous. I don't need them to feel guilty or remorseful, but I do need them to think about their life choices. Maybe they'll pause and think before proceeding down a potentially dangerous path in 4-5 years from now when the temptations and risks will be far greater.

 

[1696]

It took me years to learn: be careful not to go to "life imprisonment, with no possibility of parole". You've got nowhere to go if/when there's a next time. And she's got no incentive to change her behavior.

 

[NorthMS]

Regardless of what your response would have been, the fact that you weren't informed by either your DD or the other parent does have me raising an eyebrow. Even if nothing happened, the fact that she wasn't where you thought she would be for the entire length of time she was supposed to be there is something you should have been made aware of.

That being said, on the surface, I don't see a couple of good kids "sneaking out" as being a bad thing at all. If they went out to engage in dangerous behaviors like smoking, drinking, illicit sex, etc. then I'd have a very real problem with it, but even then, I'm going to be more focused on trying to get them to understand why certain behaviors can be dangerous. I don't need them to feel guilty or remorseful, but I do need them to think about their life choices. Maybe they'll pause and think before proceeding down a potentially dangerous path in 4-5 years from now when the temptations and risks will be far greater.

The other parents didn't tell about it for fear she wouldn't play HS ball. I think it's safe to say they didn't sneak out for a stroll to the library. The sneaking out in of itself, may or may not have been dangerous, but how can dishonesty EVER be anything but bad?

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I am showing my age, here - but "nothing good ever happens after midnight.

I suppose you have an alarm on the doors and windows, at your own home. My kid was actually sneaking people IN.