My DD Snuck out, I am at a loss how to deal with this.

[onkyo]

Oh, the late night riding around. I remember it well. It was fun and it was dangerous 40 years ago.

I have no idea, why the mom decided to run her mouth to everyone. Yikes. This reminds me of the saying "You find out who your friends are."

I think that the punishment you are doling out, is appropriate. I bet travel ball works it's self out. It seems like it always does.

I think it will be great, one of the greatest things about TB, and the team being a distance away is all of the girls are very dedicated, work hard, and have little time to get involved in this kind of bs.

 

[BobInMadison]

OK, I am ready to start with the Devils Advocate. I will do 3 parts: the coach, the 3rd party mothers, and the friend's parent. Part 3 will be the hardest, and I may not get to it today.

Remember, take this with a grain of salt. I am trying to put myself into their shoes. Not necessarily how I feel.

Part 1: Coach.

Hey, this is a HS coach, not a baby sitter. Coach has certain goals, such as winning games, being a mentor for the girls when they want one and need one.

So, was there an athletic code violation? Sounds like....... no. No alcohol, drugs, theft. The only possible offense may or may not be a driver's license restriction violation.

Coach hears some rumors. Maybe coach did worse as a kid. Didn't seem like a big deal. Certainly not worth tearing the team apart. How does coach know if the rumors are true? Stories fly around, some get made up out of whole cloth, some get wildly exaggerated. For all coach knows, this is a settled matter. Unless someone goes to coach for advice, not coach's business.

 

[BobInMadison]

Part 2: Other parents---

Well, some interesting stories going around, about two girls sneaking out! Known these girls since they were knee high. Spreading their wings a bit, testing their limits. Let the parents deal with it on their own. Not going to interfere, not going to tell my friends how to raise their own kids. These girls seem to be turning out really well, with a few minor things.

I am a little surprised. That one girl's parents seem awfully strict. I thought they would ground their girl, or even pull her off the softball team for punishment. I guess they decided not to. Anyway, not my job to stir the pot, mess things up between these kids' parents.

Not going to talk about it at all. Not going to be the one to spread gossip. Hey, there's Mary. She hasn't gone to a game for a while.

Oh, Mary, did you hear the news?

 

[Easton33]

These parents put your child's welfare and your relationship a distant 2nd to softball. Cut all ties because they betrayed your trust as bad as, if not worse than, your dd.

As far as the child goes; if you were 16 and had just gotten caught sneaking out what would you say you did? I was caught and said something similar, went to get something to eat. Did I? Of course not. It is your child and you know her better than anyone here but to expect a truthful answer in that situation is a bit of a stretch. You had to ask, I know I would have too but believing it is a totally different matter. If it were mine, she would be on lock down until graduation or 18th birthday. Kids are going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them but it only takes making a mistake once to alter a life forever.
Besides lock down a few other things I would do.
If GPA is not 4.0 definitely give her an attainable goal to bring it up to so she could earn some freedom and trust back.
Suspend any and all driving priveledges and put her on the bus for school. If she isn't driving yet, delay that by 6 months.
Take her phone, (this will kill her) and give her another goal to earn it back. A long term goal.
On Sat night, when all her friends are out, have her right a reports on teenage pregnancy, DUI, the #1 cause for deaths for high school age kids, AIDS &HIV, and any other useful info you can dream up.
She is your kid and your punishment here could set the tone for what she does or doesn't do the rest of her HS life.
BTW, did you guys win State?

 

[JJS]

How has her attitude and actions been since the "night out"? When you look back on the month that you were in the dark how has she been acting? That will tell you a lot about if she learned her lesson. I did things as a kid that were really dumb, and pretty dangerous. I was a lucky one. Just realizing that straightened me up and matured me. I can't say the same for some of my friends.

The main concern I would have as a parent would be wondering if she had learned her lesson, or if I thought she would do this behavior again. If you believe that she has learned her lesson, then move on. If not, then punishment is needed to further deter her from those actions.

 

[Rocketech1]

The other family decided to let me know directly after our last game at state. I was packing my chair out to my car and the mother came up to me and in a matter of fact way said, “Just so you know your daughter snuck out when she stayed the night.” She also expressed speaking with several of the parents on the team.
I got my DD, the other girl that stayed the night, and the host family together, and asked my DD if this was true, she said yes. I then expressed how it was unfair for her to have put them in that situation, and told her she needed to apologize to them for doing that, and then told her she needed to get in the car.
I then thanked them for that information and asked how on earth they could think this was the time to have this discussion, as well and the preferred time would have been when it happened.
She “The Mother” said she didn't want it to affect softball. I expressed I could care less about softball. I care about the safety and wellbeing of my child. I also said that had the roles been reversed I would have called either parent immediately after I finished chewing the child’s butt if it happened at my home.
She told me that I did not have that experience so I cannot know what I would have done if I were in that situation. I expressed, there is zero question what I would have done regardless of the outcome my child or any child in my care is my highest priority regardless.
At this point the parent of the other girl that stayed interjected and started apologizing immediately; he said “you are absolutely right, if it were my daughter I would have wanted to know immediately.”
The mother said, you would have pulled her out of softball and would have ruined the season. I said you are right she would not have been playing as a result of her choices.
Now I have left out some things that I said, a lot of which are 4 letter words that begin with F, most of which were said at a pretty good volume.
On the drive home I called several of the families and apologized about how I handled this and for my daughter’s actions if they somehow had an impact on them during the season. In speaking with the parents I learned that the “mother” had already let most of the team know that my DD had snuck out.
I called the Coach and talked with him, and asked if he knew he said he found out “Friday Night” “last game was Saturday “in the hotel parking lot, when he came across the mother talking to several of the players about it, so it was not limited to the parents but also the other players.
So to make things more interesting, we play TB on a team that is 120 miles away, and the Host family’s DD is a pitcher on that same team.
There is still more to this, but it becomes almost too complex to type out. OMG what a mess.

I did not want to post this whole mess in the beginning because it would have muddied the water so to speak, the threads intention was to get assistance with how to handle my daughter. Thanks to the responses I feel I got the best possible advice.

A little different perspective. I don't really see this as a softball issue. Your DD snuck out from a friends house. The parents and your kid didn't tell you for a month, but several parents knew before you.

I think your punishment of no phone or car for two weeks is appropriate (if not a little light).

What confuses me is that somehow the mom who didn't tell you thought that softball would be taken away from your DD as punishment and therefore she didn't tell you. In general, I think being part of organized sports keeps kids preoccupied so they are less likely to get in trouble, etc. I just don't see any real correlation to your kid sneaking out of the house and her playing softball. Sure, take away sleepovers, going to parties, staying out late with friends but why would parents take away softball as a form of punishment? Softball didn't cause the situation, poor choices did.

Regarding the other parents and coaches, this is none of their business, it's a family issue between you and the parent who was in charge of watching your kid who was in her custody. I would not be able to trust this parent ever again. I hold adults to a higher standard. Punish your kid, but that is why they are still considered minors because they sometimes make stupid, immature mistakes but this parent cannot be trusted, they should know better than waiting a month to tell you. Totally irresponsible and reckless.

 

[quandofloo]

Man, I'm glad I wasn't raised in some of your houses and I'm afraid of how hard I would have rebelled if I would have been.

My DS is recently 16. He is good about telling me where he is going and who is going with. He knows I can track his phone and that I do periodically if I feel a need. He goes out every Friday with some friends to play Magic at a card shop in town and the games usually run until around 11:30-11:45. He knows that is pushing our boundaries so he is to come straight home. We have had one instance where he ran past Midnight getting home. I texted him at 12:15 and didn't get a response and called him and he didn't answer. At 12:30ish he called me and the first words out of his mouth were, "I'm sorry." I could tell he was terrified. I told him, "I don't care where you are or what you are doing. If your mother or I call you or text you then you answer. Get home now but do it safely." He knew he screwed up and he was probably trying to drive his Jeep 100 mph to do it. Fortunately, it will only go 65 mph.

When he got home I sent him to bed and told him we would talk later because I was too angry and would say something that was more hurtful than I meant it to be. We sat down the next day and talked it out. He drove a friend to the tournament that didn't want to leave. He knew he was past the time to come home but his friend was not cooperating. This friend is 16 also. I told him the next time it happens he can give his friend the choice of calling his parents and explaining to them why they need to drive the 15 minutes to this place at 12:30 in the morning to pick him up or he can leave when you have to come home. It is not his responsibility to wait for his buddy to decide he wants to leave and he is responsible for his choices. I explained that he used his one get out of jail free card and if he does anything like this again he will get reminded very harshly who really owns his Jeep.

These kids are going to make youthful mistakes. They aren't always nefarious. Sometimes, they are just kids being idiots because they don't yet have the emotional or psychological capabilities to handle situations and it is our jobs to give them the tools. If the OP's DD is a good kid that screwed up for the first time I think a 2 year lock down might be a bit overboard.

 

[JJsqueeze]

These parents put your child's welfare and your relationship a distant 2nd to softball. Cut all ties because they betrayed your trust as bad as, if not worse than, your dd.

As far as the child goes; if you were 16 and had just gotten caught sneaking out what would you say you did? I was caught and said something similar, went to get something to eat. Did I? Of course not. It is your child and you know her better than anyone here but to expect a truthful answer in that situation is a bit of a stretch. You had to ask, I know I would have too but believing it is a totally different matter. If it were mine, she would be on lock down until graduation or 18th birthday. Kids are going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them but it only takes making a mistake once to alter a life forever.
Besides lock down a few other things I would do.
If GPA is not 4.0 definitely give her an attainable goal to bring it up to so she could earn some freedom and trust back.
Suspend any and all driving priveledges and put her on the bus for school. If she isn't driving yet, delay that by 6 months.
Take her phone, (this will kill her) and give her another goal to earn it back. A long term goal.
On Sat night, when all her friends are out, have her right a reports on teenage pregnancy, DUI, the #1 cause for deaths for high school age kids, AIDS &HIV, and any other useful info you can dream up.
She is your kid and your punishment here could set the tone for what she does or doesn't do the rest of her HS life.
BTW, did you guys win State?

You forgot the part where you made dancing illegal. This is a 16 year old. She is 2 years away from being able to do whatever she wants ALL THE TIME. Far better to discuss this from the perspective of trust, decision making, and give her tools and freedom to not feel like she has to sneak out than to restrict her so much that she feels the only way to spread her wings is to keep things from you.

In this case it is the not telling the parent about it that is the bigger crime not the sneaking out. Any punishment I would give out would be for the cover up.

 

[Easton33]

You forgot the part where you made dancing illegal. This is a 16 year old. She is 2 years away from being able to do whatever she wants ALL THE TIME. Far better to discuss this from the perspective of trust, decision making, and give her tools and freedom to not feel like she has to sneak out than to restrict her so much that she feels the only way to spread her wings is to keep things from you.

In this case it is the not telling the parent about it that is the bigger crime not the sneaking out. Any punishment I would give out would be for the cover up.

Remember she had that freedom before she felt like she needed to sneak out? She had the trust and freedom then too. So let's talk about it until we all feel warm and fuzzy and attach no real punishments. In a 2 years when she can make those decisions legally will she realize there are consequences besides a long talk? Trust is a valuable thing and to give it back freely and easily after it's lost does not give the true value of trust and what it means to lose it. Just my .02 but if my dd loses my trust she will realize it has consequences and she will have to earn it all back.

 

[Rocketech1]

These parents put your child's welfare and your relationship a distant 2nd to softball. Cut all ties because they betrayed your trust as bad as, if not worse than, your dd.

As far as the child goes; if you were 16 and had just gotten caught sneaking out what would you say you did? I was caught and said something similar, went to get something to eat. Did I? Of course not. It is your child and you know her better than anyone here but to expect a truthful answer in that situation is a bit of a stretch. You had to ask, I know I would have too but believing it is a totally different matter. If it were mine, she would be on lock down until graduation or 18th birthday. Kids are going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them but it only takes making a mistake once to alter a life forever.
Besides lock down a few other things I would do.
If GPA is not 4.0 definitely give her an attainable goal to bring it up to so she could earn some freedom and trust back.
Suspend any and all driving priveledges and put her on the bus for school. If she isn't driving yet, delay that by 6 months.
Take her phone, (this will kill her) and give her another goal to earn it back. A long term goal.
On Sat night, when all her friends are out, have her right a reports on teenage pregnancy, DUI, the #1 cause for deaths for high school age kids, AIDS &HIV, and any other useful info you can dream up.
She is your kid and your punishment here could set the tone for what she does or doesn't do the rest of her HS life.
BTW, did you guys win State?

I don't think anyone is suggesting no punishment, but there is a difference between punishment that fits the "crime" and punishment that is draconian....