When and how to talk to coach

[SamG]

DD attends a brand new middle school (6-8 grade). Softball coach is in her 1st head coaching job. There are about 20-25 girls on the team. There's an A & B team. We're not quite halfway through the season. DD is the #4 pitcher on the team. I get that. I agree with that. Earlier in the season, DD asked coach if she could work another position also. Coach said she doesn't want to chance her pitchers getting hurt. OK fine. We've had 9 games. DD has pitched (not exactly successfully) six innings (I think). OK, fine. Had no issues when DD was pulled. She's played two other innings in the OF. She's had 4 AB. The last two games she's been on the bench the whole game. There's one girl starting (referring to the 'B' team) who (I'm told) has never played before this season. And aside from running speed, she doesn't seem to be any better than DD. Another girl hasn't played in two years and actually missed a couple weeks because of a broken arm. This girl does NOT have good mechanics at the plate or in the field (plays 2b, doesn't even move toward the bag on a steal or back up throws, etc). The other three pitchers ALL play a 2nd position when not pitching. (remember coach telling my DD she doesn't want her pitchers to get hurt?). And the real kicker... every game, about 4-5 players will play the entire A game AND the entire B game.

The mother of the girl who had the broken arm told my wife she doesn't understand why our DD isn't playing. Apparently other parents have talked about it too. My DD when not playing is in the dugout leading cheers (she's got a loud mouth... like her dad), she helps clean up and carry equipment, she's missed all of two practices this season... approved by coach ahead of time (one for academic team, one for chorus).

There's a game Monday night. Assuming DD doesn't play, I'm about ready to talk to the coach and simply ask what DD needs to work on in order to play. If she gives me something to work with, fine. But what if I get the "it's hard to play everyone/there are players better than her/<insert "coachspeak" here>"? I REALLY don't want to cause problems. I'm not a parent that thinks DD deserves playing time. I want to know what to work on so she CAN play.

In the category of full disclosure, wife and I aren't around the games and practices as much as other parents because work and other family (two younger siblings) commitments. We haven't been able to volunteer for concession stand/scoreboard/gate work because we can't get to the games until right before the B game starts. I feel that shouldn't affect DD's playing time (don't know that it is).

On a side note... DD pitches OK at home or at pitching lessons. Get her in a game and she immediately "tightens up" and goes back to her bad habits. I can see the fear in her face that she's worried about getting pulled. Any tips I can give her to help her relax?

 

[mudbug]

I think you really only want to know why shes not playing more, when some others are.

What to work on? simple. Pitching, hitting, fielding. A strong hitter will always have a place in the batting lineup, a weak hitter will always have a place on the bench waiting for her.

Everyone needs to work other positions. A lot of pitchers will play 1B as a second position. Worried about #4 pitcher getting hurt is a joke, a very good #1, yes, a strong #2 also..maybe, after that no, thats a poor excuse.

All coaches want to win. Some will play only 9 to try to accomplish that. Some will play everyone. In school ball,the coach doesnt have to answer to any parent, the main goal is to win. Whether or not the coach has a clue what they ar doing is a different story.

Unfortunately too, sometimes a coach may just not like a player, something subtle, personality conflict , etc and the player gets the short end of the stick. My personal view is that if a kid is good enough to be on the team, they are good enough to get a decent amount of playing time. If they are not, they should not be on the team.

 

[SamG]

mudbug, I agree with everything you said. But do you suggest talking to the coach? And what's the best way to do it? Or do I just let things go and watch my DD get discouraged because she's not playing.

 

[travelingman]

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I just went through a very similiar situation. My wife approached the coach at apparently a bad time. Coach went ballistic and daughter sits on the very end of bench now. Unhappy with lack of playing time but happy she doesn't gets yelled at all the time. You never know what's going on inside the head of a coach, or a parent for that matter. Do what you thinks is best for your daughter not necessarily what will make you the happiest and everything will be ok.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

There is no excuse for a coach going ballistic on a parent. Hopefully, this wasn't a man. I wouldn't want my DD around him/her.

My DD spent seasons where she wasn't on the starting 9. I never really knew why, but we moved 1500 miles away and she suddenly became "invaluable."

I don't know your coach, so I don't know if he is approachable.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't waste my time with MS coaches that can't coach. I would let DD take every lesson, camp, and clinic, that she wants and just attain other goals, rather than MS.

 

[Sweet Pitch 96]

Since she is still in middle school, I would actually try to talk to the coach. Keep in mind the coach is probably also a teacher and should have somewhat decent parent communication skills. I would send an email and see about setting up a conference or phone call time to talk. Just let coach know that you want to talk about what you need to do to help your daughter develop to the point where she can be an asset to the the team. Phrasing it this ways communicates a few important things:

1. You're not looking to discuss the performance of any player other than your own.
2. You are not criticizing the coach's decision not to play your dd.
3. You are putting the needs of the team first.
4. You are seeking feedback and advice so that you can help your dd improve.

You might be surprised. We've been in a situation where our dd was sitting more than we thought she should, and I struck up a conversation with the coach online. He gave us some specific things he was seeing and even offered ideas for drills to improve. Did she play more? Maybe a little bit. But, it did open up a line of communication and let him know that we were somewhat sane parents. After reading some of the stories posted recently, I think coaches have to assume all parents are crazy until proven otherwise.

 

[sluggers]

Everyone says, "Softball teaches life skills." OK--here is a teaching opportunity. Start teaching.

What would you do if you were being passed over at work for a project that you felt that you could do? Help her understand the approach that you would take in this situation.

What you would do at work:

(1) Go talk to the person making the project assignment and find out "why" you weren't assigned to the project. You would *NEVER* run down a co-worker and talk about her weaknesses.
(2) Find out what skills you need to develop in order to get the next assignment.
(3) Find out where the person assigning the project needs help.
(4) Figure out how you can help the person now with something he needs.

If your DD was older, she should do talking without you. But, at this age, it would be OK for you to go with your DD so you can direct her in her conversation with the coach. Before the meeting, sit down with your DD, come up with plan, and share your wisdom with your DD. Explain "why" you say X but not Y. It will be great.

 

[mudbug]

Asking the coach directly why your daughter recieves so little playing time is a fair question, just do it respectfully and be prepared for the obvious answer from the coach. Do not attack the coach, it will only make things worse, or un-repairable. Its pretty much a given that a coach is playing the players that they think give them the best chances of winning, right or wrong.

I wouldnt worry a bit about middle school ball. My DD would be playing year round travel ball if possible, not middle school ball.

 

[SamG]

Thanks for the thoughts. I had no plans to attack the coach. I was thinking more along the lines of "what does DD need to work on in order to get more playing time?" For all I know, DD is a terror at practice and talking back to the coaches or something (I doubt it, but it is possible). If there's an attitude adjustment that needs made, I think my wife and I should be told. If it's a lack of skill set (much more likely), let us know so we can work at it.

I thought about setting up a time, but I'm out of town Tues-Sunday of this week. If DD doesn't play Monday night, I really don't want to wait a week to talk to the coach. If she plays Monday night, I'll just let it go for a while and see what happens.

Sluggers, I was thinking about having DD with me when I talked to the coach, but if I did that, I don't know that she's old enough (almost 12) to really do any of the talking. Maybe that's just me being the overprotective parent.

Amy, I don't have a problem with DD not starting. I actually don't have a problem with her not playing in A game. What I'm concerned about now is it's been two games in a row.

Oh, and mudbug... I'd love it if DD could play travel ball. I'm don't think the skill set is there (hopefully YET).

 

[mudbug]

Oh, and mudbug... I'd love it if DD could play travel ball. I'm don't think the skill set is there (hopefully YET).

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Girls dont play travel because they are good, they get good because they play travel. It takes coaches that care and are knowledgeable, and want to put in the necessary time and effotr to turn young ladies into good players, and young ladies and parents that want to put that time in as well.

I see all the time on this board, "we need another year of B ball to be ready for A", "we need another year of rec ball to be ready to play travel ball", etc. Not usually true IMO.

The truth is, many players just need to be taught the right things for a change . It is not difficult, and can happen in just a couple weeks or months at that age.

That doesnt mean they will become great players automatically, you cant teach ability, but does means that they will learn to swing the right way, field the right way, throw the right way, pitch the right way, turn double plays the right way, etc. and become the best that they are capable of being. They will at least look like they know what they are doing, and also be confident that they know what they are doing in all situations.