Is it just me?

[mothgirl]

My dd is 14, she's got a good attitude when she working with her coaches. When it comes to me it's another story! The bad thing is, most of the coaches around here teach old school HE mechanics. Our PC is great she's a follower of this board and teaches good mechanics. How do I get through to my dd? She used to listen to me and sometimes still does but it's less and less. I tried letting her know, before I open my mouth to tell her anything I ask her PC and research the crap out of it here, so I know I'm telling her the correct thing. I wish I could leave it in her PC's hands but we only see her once a week, so without my input, she's practicing, but not making much progress. I've tried videoing and showing her so she can self correct, that works sometimes, when she willing to watch the videos. Has anyone else felt like their dd just will not let them help her? I try to remind her that every time she let me help, it's helped. I'm just frustrated and wondering if this something other pitcher parents have gone through or going through. I do notice if I give her some tips she will argue whatever I say, but then I see her working what I asked her too.

 

[JJsqueeze]

Not just you. My 13 year old knows everything. I used to just be able to point something out , now I have to show video proof of what I am talking about. Thank God for the IPhone slo mo video.

My girls had the chance to meet and talk to a college pitcher they admire. That pitcher said "listen to your dad, he will be your best friend and best coach but also your worst enemy, but no one will know you better as a pitcher"....they still don't listen though.

Mind you, I encourage teenage dissent in my house and am trying hard to get my older DD to be more assertive in all areas of her life and to question authority....just not during practice. I am not kidding when I say my win/loss record when we have appealed to video during a "my arm was not locked out"- "yes it was" debate is about 1503-1. You would think she would learn by now that father knows best.

But even worse-she still likes bands like R5. Despite a steady diet of good music in our car rides to games. I did get her hooked on a couple of Steve Earle songs though.

 

[FiveFrameSwing]

Honestly, it helps a great deal when the instruction is coming from someone other than a parent.

That said, I have one particular hitter that is extremely stubborn. What I do with that kid is wait for a point when they are receptive and then give them the points of emphasis that they are most in need of.

It's easy to help those that are receptive to being helped ... not so easy to help those that are not receptive to being helped.

Coming from a parent, it can be easily interpreted by a young adult that the feedback is criticism ... and some young adults are not looking for that from certain individuals.

 

[javasource]

One of the things I've heard directly from a kid to their parent is: "You had me doing all that other stuff... now you want me to do this." Sorta hurts the creds factor when your kid is an experimental lab rat of pitching styles. Not saying this is your case. Another thing I see is when kids perform the pitching motion better than their parent... creating the, "you're asking me to do something you can't do" factor.

I find that if you set a single goal... and speak of nothing else critically, you reduce the argument factor by 10. This said, the kid/parent thing is always an issue... with adoption as the only way out...

And then there is music. JJ... I wanna see you "Smile"...

Man, that's rough. I have a One Direction(er)... so I feel your pain... however, I've found that my DD is always wanting me to approve of a new artist she likes... so when she finds one I can stomach... I'm all over it... knowing that every other band I like is one less 1D song I'll have to hear.

 

[sluggers]

How do I get through to my dd? She used to listen to me and sometimes still does but it's less and less.

The best advice about teenage girls comes from Dear Abby: "Treat teenagers like they are outpatients from a mental institution."

It is a phase. Personally, I think a fairy comes along at 13YOA and vacuums out their brains. The brains slowly grow back...usually they are completely grown back after the first year of college.

From a strictly parenting point of view, your DD is "practicing" being an adult with you. She doesn't know it, but she is trying to find the correct way to question things and to "find her own voice".

She knows:

(1) Saying the wrong thing can cause irreparable damage to a relationship.
(2) Blindly accepting what people say can make her unhappy. I.e., "sometimes, adults and friends are wrong."

So, she tries different ways to challenge people, and is using you as the subject of her experiments. If she does this with someone she doesn't know (a coach, teacher, or policeman), she could "burn bridges" and cause some serious damage. So, she tries out different "modes of communication" with you, because she knows you will love her no matter what.

How to handle this:

Do a lot more showing and a lot *LESS* talking. Do *NOT* lecture her. Let her watch the video and have her tell you what she sees.

 

[marriard]

I'm just frustrated and wondering if this something other pitcher parents have gone through or going through. I do notice if I give her some tips she will argue whatever I say, but then I see her working what I asked her too.

Congrats. Like a lot of us on here, you have a teenager. Good luck 'telling' them anything. She'll take direction from her coaches and other 'authority' figures so when you can get them to say things, great (sounds like this is happening).

So you have to be subtle. No matter how much I know or think I know, my DD 'owns' her pitching and hitting.

Have her pitching coach/hitting coach/whoever write down whatever it is she needs to work on. Then when you are practicing away instead of you saying 'you are not doing this" or "lets work on this" you ask "what are you working on today that coach wants you to work on". When you are practicing, you might occasionally ask "How is working on so and so" going and but you can't offer advice even if her answer is not something you would do (and occasionally even if it isn't going to help). You absolutely can't say "What you are working on isn't getting batter" or "you need to do XXXX" no matter how much you want to. Let her drive it - she has drills and skills from her other coaches and if she wants help and advice it is up to her to ask for it. Let her guide it and fix things her coaches have taught her. YOU are not allowed to offer fixes, criticism or coaching - it has to be led be her. Even if YOU know what to say - it is probably not what she is looking for or something she will react as she currently is to. You may be surprised by her asking for help - which she will be receptive to because she asked for it versus you 'forcing' it upon her (her view, not how you view it).

When my DD is hitting in games I am allowed to say 3 'approved' things that her hitting coach said I was allowed to say when she is hitting to 'remind her' of things he taught if she isn't doing them (related to some bad habits she occasionally falls into). I rarely even say these. She 'owns' her hitting. Same goes for pitching - there are two habits she falls back into that I am allowed to point out - and she can fix these on her own - I don't need to tell her how - she 'owns' her pitching as well.

When she was 10 and younger I could talk and she'd listen and do whatever I asked pretty much without question. Now... now I sit there and catch pitches and put balls on tees and barely coach at all - the conversation has changed. It is different from how it was, but it is every bit as enjoyable as it always was.

Note: There was a rough time as we transitioned to this sort of relationship during these individual practices. I needed to change because she was already changing. I could see all the signs - she didn't want to be there as she felt it was entirely driven by me - not by her. It was becoming 'work'. Once I realized I really needed to 'shut up and stop coaching/teaching/point things out/running things' and then actually did that (because it was HARD not to say anything an give up control), it got better quickly.

Now I just remind her she needs to go out there and practice her skills, but she drives the exact time and what she does when she does. A lot of time I am not even needed (pitches/hits into a bownet set up in the garage) - but I do really, really like to be out there spending time with her.

Edit: Sluggers said is about as well as it can be said. My post is hopefully a tactical implementation of what he said

 

[Greenmonsters]

My pet theory is that all kids are born with a parent frequency cancelling mechanism and only really hear a portion of what their parents tell them. As a parent, it makes no difference what hat you are wearing (e.g., chore-nagging, driving instructor, sport coach, meal announcer, casual converser etc.), they still don't listen/hear all that you say. The solution, at least from a sport instructor perspective, is to work closely with their private instructors/coaches and understand what they are working on/trying to accomplish and parrot the same vocabulary and cues and then point out "Here's what I see happening, is that what you are trying to do/work on?".

Now when it comes to music, DW started indoctrinating during infancy. While both my DDs have the full Beatles catalog on their music players, the strategy wasn't nearly as successful with our DS and we resort to ear buds/headphones to solve that failure.

PS They are teenagers and young adults and in truth most don't fully recognize the value of their parents advice/wisdom until they become mature adults, whenever that is!

 

[Sparky Guy]

One of the hardest things in the parent/player/coach situation for the kids is understanding the difference between parenting and coaching. All too often the kids see ANY criticism/correction of their pitching as parenting. Here is where your pitching coach can step in and really help. The PC needs to tell your DD that YOU know what she is supposed to be doing. Your DD needs to be told by the PC to listen. So long as the PC is sure you understand what she is supposed to be doing. What I tell the players is their parents are their biggest fan and want nothing more than to see them succeed.

It is a two way street. You, as the parent, must be able to address the pitching mistake from a coaching aspect and NOT from a parenting aspect. I've had to have that conversation with quite a few parents. Parents need to understand the process as well.

There is hope. I know with my DD the light bulb came on when she was in the 15-16 age range. It may be different for yours. I know there was a learning curve for me as well. Once the both of us matured her pitching development accelerated exponentially.

 

[1bucketmom]

DD is only 10 but we've stepped in this here and there.
1. I learned the hard way to find one focus for fixes per practice. We still look for overall good mechanics but when it comes to fixes - we pick one and done. This helps reduce the frustration factor a lot for both of us.

2. I have wireless headphones. Best purchase every!!!! I wear them when I can't keep my mouth shut or if I am getting frustrated. Yup - parents can bring down a practice just as fast as a player. Maybe even faster. Now - it bugs her when I wear them. She tells me I can't help her if I don't give her feedback on issues.

3. Kids will typically listen to others before us. So if we're with other coaches, I have them chime in. I feed specific comments to them beforehand so it appears to be coming from them only. Tricky - yes. effective -yes.

4. I'm a rat. I'll let her PC know if she's not making the adjustments. She knows this and is usually pretty good.

5. Heart to heart.... We've had a really good conversation about who is truly supporting her and "in her corner". At 10, she understands that while I am not perfect...I'm am perfectly strong in supporting her. When she gets distracted (she's 10) I ask her if her distraction will make her better and help her in a game. This works for corrections and improvements too.... Is what your doing now going to make you better or would a correction help?

Having an older DD..... I can tell you the teen years can be rough! My sister has boys and it was so much easier for her thru the teen years, not so much when they were young. Now that eldest is an adult ....... It's a wonderful place to be. She's even said on several occasions "you were right mom". I even have it in a text - proof. So, stick to your guns.

These players are very smart. Give her a choice - listen or not, you are the one on the mound. How do you want to pitch? This is where a camera comes in handy. The first time you ask this...Her look will be priceless.

Hang in there.....these are the other bumps and bruises of being on the bucket.

 

[ndame88]

What a great thread, please keep the advice coming, I too struggle with both my 9 yo and 12 yo, I have coached both and their teams, other girls on their teams will listen to me and hang on to every word of advice, my own daughters want to resist at every step of the way. During games and practices, I have gotten in the habit of asking other coaches/parents to give feedback and advice to my DDs, and they listen, go figure. I have had success with flat out telling them, "OK, I am wearing my coach hat" or my "Father Hat" on several occasions, which seems to work sometimes, but once in the car after a game I do my best to just be dad. Though it's hard, I have found that often times my kids just want to play catch with Dad, no correcting, no advice, just play catch.