Desperately need some advice!!!!!

[ssbtbs15]

My step daughter is 11 and has been playing fastpitch since she was 6. She started out slow but my wife and I has always been able to see that she had talent. Her father is also in the pitcher and is one of those over critical father. It seems that nothing my dsd does is ever good enough for him. At times he compliments her and tells her that he is proud of her. However more so than not he costantly berates her at practice in front of other parents and teamates. Same goes for games. He also after every game or practice has to give her a lecture on what she is supposed to be doing right on every aspect of the game win or lose.

She wanted to be a pitcher and he consisted that she would never be a good pitcher because she is too soft and doesn't have the right mindset to do it. Also because he believes that she is much better at other positions on the field. However she kept begging my wife and I that she wanted to learn how to pitch. So I decided to do my research and find a good pitching coach in my area that would be a good match for my daughter. I found one and took her for lessons, she has been with him for a lil over a year now.

Being a step dad and also having a child of my own I never ever wanted to cross the boundaries with her father and also kept a few steps back from the situation. Even when she asked for pitching lessons my wife and I consulted with him and asked if he would mind. She told him thats what she wanted to do and he approved of it and gave me his blessing to work with her. He also at that time got involved in a major project that took up most of his time and then asked if I would mind working with her on her softball fundamentals. I of course said yes and then we began to train and work almost every night. I never pushed her I would always ask and she would beg for me to go out and work on hitting and pitching drills. Needless to say I am no savior but I have coaches youth football for five years and always had the knack to bring the best out of my players. So while I began to work on her she began to blossom into a really above average player for her age. Of course she had a few flaws and was never elite but she began to flourish under my positive encouragement and training.

We put her in a softball camp with girls raging from her age and older last summer and she held her own against girls older than her. I was honestly impressed as was my wife also. We then put her in travel ball and her team was young and struggled against older teams. She started slow and then towards end of the season she started to fair well. Her dad at that time completed his project and then came back into the picture. Nothing changed with how he treated her even though it was clear she had became a much improved player. At times he would praise her but the minute she made a error or a mental mistake he would always be pulling her aside or trying to get at her ear to let her know he wasn't happy.

My wife and I have recently noticed that her performance had continued to decline and we knew exactly why. On top of her performance her desire to improve and go out and work on her skills also declined. My and I tried to have continuous civil conversations with him but made very little progress with him. He would be fine for a game or two until the wins went away or she got into a slump and that the ugliness in him reappeared.

Just recently I was asked to be a part of the coaching staff of the team she was on. I know I loved to work with kids but didn't want to make my dsd feel uncomfortable so I was going to decline. However my wife asked my daughter how she would feel if I was to join the staff and she was so happy that she was practically begging me to do it. I agreed and just recently we had our tryouts and began coaching. Our club team like most has a parent and player contract that is handed out to all parties. On that parent contract it says no parent shall interfere or coach their daughter from the stands. Apparently I guess because her father thought that I was on the staff that these rules didn't apply to him. During our most recent tournament my daugther was on the mound and she was struggling. We used two other girls in a previous game and knew she had the mound toughness to get through it even if she was getting hit around. It was a few innings in when I noticed she altered her mechanics to a totally different style than what we have been working on with her pitching coach all spring and summer long. Also I now noticed she kept looking at her father between each pitch and started throwing different pitches then what was being called.

I kept my cool and called time to go to the mound. I asked her knowing the answer already why she kept looking at her father and not concentrating on the catcher and throwing the pitches that were called for her. She wouldnt answer so I told her that if she keeps this up she will be pulled from the mound and would find a nice spot on the bench. All of sudden she was throwing the pitches that were called and she completely lost the strike zone. Needless to say we were mercy ruled and the game was over after the next half of inning.

My wife and I saw the look she had on her face and let her be for the night before we confronted her with what was wrong. She at that time said for the first time ever in her career that even after our first game that we won that she had no fun because her father kept her away from the rest of her friends/teamates to lecture her on everything she did wrong. Absolutley killed my wife and I too see her so upset that we knew the issue had to be addressed but being how crazy her father gets over her games, we decided to take our time and think of how to approach this issue in a civilized manner. We did and not only did it blow up in our faces but my dsd face also. He completely demeaned her to the point that when she got off the phone with him she was hysterical crying and saying that she is done with softball and that she wants to quit. This broke our heart because we know how much the game means to her and how much it helped her gain confidence and raise her self esteem the past year. However all her hard work seemed to go down the toilet in one phone conversation.

I am sorry for the long post but I didnt want to be fair and not leave out any details. If someone experienced this before or any coach can offer some advice we would greatly appreciate it. It would kill my wife and I to see her give up on the game that she loves so much. Thank You!!!!!!

 

[nanotech14]

There are always two sides to every story. You have to remember, you are the stepfather, not her real father. You coaching just might have been the wrong thing to do. Helping her at your house practicing is great and taking her to lessons and stuff, when her father is working is great too. When the shoe is on the other foot it sometimes is hard to understand.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

Boy, I think we all know this ex. It is not about softball. It is about his need to control.

I had to smile when you went from calling the girl your step daughter, to daughter. Good for you!

Don't tell him when the games are.

I come from a divorced family. And my DD is divorced. When one parent blows it, they lose parts of the children's lives. I am speaking of my granddaughter, now - I don't know what happened in your wife's case.

 

[Alsmygal]

I can understand what your'e going through to a point. My husband can be a lot like your step-daughter's dad. Our dd does a great job when she plays ball, and her dad knows it. She loves the game. If she isn't absolutely perfect on the field, her dad gets mad. We've talked to him about it....tried to explain to him that she's only 11 years old, and that even the pros make errors, and I know he understands this, but when it's an actual game situation, he can't control it. She played in a tournament last weekend and pitched a no-hitter, and in three games, she had no fielding errors, and she only had one at-bat where she got out. It just happened to be her last at-bat that she lined out to the short stop. Her dad wouldn't talk to her the whole way home....over an hour drive. Her team got first place and she even did well playing third base, which is a position she has never played before. She was so proud and happy until she saw the look on her dad's face after the game. That game was Saturday evening, and finally, last night (Wednesday), we sat down and had a talk. We all agreed that he needs to stay away from her games for a while. He is under an enormous amount of pressure from his job, and he just doesn't handle stress very well. He did tell her that he was proud of her and he loved watching her play, but he knows that he cannot control his emotions when she's in the heat of competition, and until he learns how to destress himself, he will stay home and let me update him from the tournaments.

It was a huge step for him to admit that he isn't fair to her when she plays ball, and an even bigger step for him to come to the conclusion that he needs to stay home from her games for a while.

I think I would suggest that if she can't talk to him in person without him blowing up, that your step-daughter needs to write a letter to her dad explaining how he makes her feel when she's playing a "game" that she loves.

 

[James Smith]

I think I would suggest that if she can't talk to him in person without him blowing up, that your step-daughter needs to write a letter to her dad explaining how he makes her feel when she's playing a "game" that she loves.

That is a good idea.

 

[JJsqueeze]

wow...this is a tough situation. I am curious, how did you approach it with him? Did you kind of make it a "you need to improve for your daughters well being" type of conversation or did you take a backdoor approach to the effect of "DD is becoming an awesome player, if we team up to give her the best instruction, I think we can get off the hook for tuition in 10 years?". I know if I was in his situation and the step dad and ex wife took approach 1, I would go friggin nuclear. Approach 2 would have a much better chance of success.

 

[canyonjoe]

I have no advice except to keep doing what you are doing. She may not be your biological daughter, but it seems like she thinks of you as a father. Kids need adults to support them. I sincerely help it works out for her.

 

[nanotech14]

Boy, I think we all know this ex. It is not about softball. It is about his need to control.

I had to smile when you went from calling the girl your step daughter, to daughter. Good for you!

Don't tell him when the games are.

I come from a divorced family. And my DD is divorced. When one parent blows it, they lose parts of the children's lives. I am speaking of my granddaughter, now - I don't know what happened in your wife's case.

okay Amy, I agree with you most of the time, but this one I don't know. The ex is always the bad person when it the other one talking. Sometimes the step parent has to know where the boundries are and not to over step them. I know how this works to. I was the worse father ever according to my ex, thats was fine, she wasn't the one that I had to raise, my dd is. This is the worse subject to talk about, when a child is in the middle nobody wins, but it is the child that loses the most. I still say that there are two sides to this story.

 

[CoogansBluff]

That's hard. It's very difficult to watch adults tear kids down over sports. Add to that the family dynamics, and it's very challenging to know what to do. I'd love to try this experiment - Make a pact that all three parents are not allowed to discuss softball with your daughter unless she asks for it, or unless the comments are one of four things: 'have fun', 'good game,' 'I like watching you play,' 'I love you'.

 

[JJsqueeze]

okay Amy, I agree with you most of the time, but this one I don't know. The ex is always the bad person when it the other one talking. Sometimes the step parent has to know where the boundries are and not to over step them. I know how this works to. I was the worse father ever according to my ex, thats was fine, she wasn't the one that I had to raise, my dd is. This is the worse subject to talk about, when a child is in the middle nobody wins, but it is the child that loses the most. I still say that there are two sides to this story.

I agree with Nano....there is no way to tell what is actually going on...two sides to every story...for every crazy ex husband there is a horrible ex wife...The best you can do is agree to try to put aside the crazy and do what is best for the kid in the middle. For all we know the kid is the type that needs a kick in the pants and the father is on target with riding her a bit...no way to tell. I know that I get on my DDs pretty good sometimes. I have high expectations in school and sports and failing due to lack of effort or mental focus is simply not acceptable in either. I reinforce it all the time, after they get Bs, after they run back to a base in a force out situation ....when they don't clean their room etc. I also praise then GENUINELY when they do a good job at something....but they know that when I say "good job" it is a GOOD JOB. That is my parenting style and my kids rock, they know they are loved and they get a lot of pride from the success they have achieved on and off the field. They are accountable for their actions so they own their successes and failures. When I see other kids that are coddled and told good job when they clearly did something poorly (beneath their abilities), or they cry every time they make a mistake, I shake my head and think of how abusive it is to set up a kid for failure by not showing them that in life you have to earn it, be tough when you fail and not let it get you down and move on. The results are that my daughters make mistakes all the time and they roll past them like nothing happened.

I say this because if for some reason my wife and I got divorced and she remarried, that guy better think very long and hard before he decides to say word one to me about my fathering of my daughters. The only way I would accept it is if I had a relationship with him and he had won my respect or if he approached it from the standpoint of teaming up to make sure my daughter was getting the best parenting round the clock. If he came at me from the perspective of "you are doing something wrong" I would not react nicely.