Daughter wants to quit travel ball and mom is having a hard time with it

[legalbecky]

I'm a softball mom and this is my first post. My daughter will be 16 in two months. Recently, she told my husband and I she no longer wants to play travel softball and I guess I'm still a little bit in shock. She's has pitched since 10U. She has basically lived, eaten and breathed softball all these years and has said it was her dream to play softball one day in college. She was a very successful pitcher through 14U, but unfortunately, during her second year of 14U, she seemed to have "peeked." While other girls were increasing pitching speed, she wasn't. She lost enthusiasm for pitching and would come home from her pitching lessons discouraged about not being as fast as many of the other girls.

Last summer, after the team she had played with for years fell apart, she moved up to an 18U Gold team and did extensive traveling. The team played mostly showcase tournaments, with 1 or 2 ASA tournaments on their schedule. Although not a superstar on the team, she held her own with the older girls and her coach was quite complimentary. He put her in the pitching rotation, but she also played a lot at third base and outfield, and she actually really played well in the outfield, which was new to her.

While she was in the midst of her high school season, her travel coach had set the upcoming summer travel schedule. I went over the schedule with her and started excitedly talking to her about all the places she would get to go with the team this summer - in addition to tournaments in Florida where we live, they are going to Georgia, Pennsylvania, Louisiana. As I talked to her, she looked more and more miserable, and finally burst into tears and told me she doesn't want to play travel anymore, that it had become too hard, that there was too much pressure and that it just wasn't fun anymore. To say I was shocked to hear that is an understatement. This is a kid who would drag her dad into the yard to pitch every day, who would wake up spontaneously at the crack of dawn on a tournament day because she was excited and wanted to get us all going. I was reluctant to tell her travel coach at first that she didn't want to play, because I was hoping she'd change her mind. I asked her if she would still want to play and just not pitcher, because I know the stress of pitching has been tremendous. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case, so I finally told her coach she wanted to take time off and they have now filled her spot on the team.

So, I guess the point of this post is, I am having a really hard time dealing with this. Softball was such a big part of our lives. I loved spending weekends during the summer at the field, I loved watching my daughter play. We've developed wonderful friendships through softball. It's selfish, I know, but I really hope that after taking this summer off, she'll find that she's missing the game and will want to return. She still wants to play high school ball, because she says it's less pressure and continues to be fun for her. But for now, she is sticking to her guns about travel. Ironically, my husband is taking this much better than I am. Go figure.

My daughter is a great kid. She is an excellent student and her academics will get her into a good school. I am trying to just be supportive and not pressure her about her decision. But my inside "softball mom" is not going down easily. Why am I having such a hard time letting this go?

I'm curious to hear how other parents have handled this, and if any of your players have gone back to travel after taking a season off.

 

[CJ D]

I would suggest waiting a bit and asking her if she wants to pick up on some local teams. It sounds as though she still loves the game, but the exposure team was just a bit overwhelming for her. Let her play, if she wants, on some weaker teams...teams just trying to win a local tourney or two.

But all of this is just only if she has the desire. Many girls fall out of the travel circuit at 14s. Many more again in 16s. She may just be tired of it all. I imagine mine will get to that point at some point too. I don't envy you!

 

[legalbecky]

She did not get much interest from scouts after playing in showcases all summer and that may have a lot to do with her being discouraged. I did try to tell her that pitching speed was not as important as movement, etc., but I don't think she was/is convinced. Also, she was the youngest player on her team, she was 14 going on 15 last summer and had just finished her freshman year in high school, so I tried to tell her to keep things in perspective. The older players were all getting looks and the four seniors on last summer's team were all committed and are currently playing in D1 schools. The four seniors currently on the team are all also committed - one player to a D1 school, the others to D3 schools, although one had been made offers with D1 schools, but then got accepted at MIT, so that is where she'll play and pitch. I think the atmosphere at this level may have not been what she expected. She loved playing tournaments where the ultimate goal was to make it to the championship game on Sunday. The showcase tournaments are all about getting seen by scouts and I think she had a hard time adjusting to that.

 

[legalbecky]

I would suggest waiting a bit and asking her if she wants to pick up on some local teams. It sounds as though she still loves the game, but the exposure team was just a bit overwhelming for her. Let her play, if she wants, on some weaker teams...teams just trying to win a local tourney or two.

But all of this is just only if she has the desire. Many girls fall out of the travel circuit at 14s. Many more again in 16s. She may just be tired of it all. I imagine mine will get to that point at some point too. I don't envy you!

I think you are right when you say the exposure team may have been a bit overwhelming for her. She has said she wouldn't mind guest playing with teams over the summer if needed, so I almost think she wants to play the game without the pressure of trying to attract a college scout's attention.

 

[BobInMadison]

Kids' interests change. She is at an age where she is finding herself.
This could mean she is tired of softball, tired of pitching, or tired of the grind of high level TB, or some combination.
Or, it could mean she wants to try something different.

I am the LAST person who could criticize her. I was really into music, for example, up through my freshman year. By that time my mother was driving me, every Saturday, through narrow, winding mountain roads for piano lessons with a nun in a convent for retired nuns two counties away, since she was the BEST piano teacher in that area. I was also in the school orchestra, and taking private cello lessons. It got to be WAY too much for me. I wanted my evenings and weekends free.

 

[legalbecky]

Did she get a college commitment after all of those showcases? I can understand being discouraged if not. However, if this is about pitching speed, that does not matter at her age. Movement, success in games, and success against batters matter. Colleges may be the ones wanting the speed, but still a D3 college may very well be interested in her. This is where I would take the discussion--I had a senior all county who decided to just play club ball in college and take off from TB her senior year. She is enjoying herself immensely in college.

She did not get much interest from scouts after playing in showcases all summer and that may have a lot to do with her being discouraged. I did try to tell her that pitching speed was not as important as movement, etc., but I don't think she was/is convinced. Also, she was the youngest player on her team, she was 14 going on 15 last summer and had just finished her freshman year in high school, so I tried to tell her to keep things in perspective. The older players were all getting looks and the four seniors on last summer's team were all committed and are currently playing in D1 schools. The four seniors currently on the team are all also committed - one player to a D1 school, the others to D3 schools, although one had been made offers with D1 schools, but then got accepted at an Ivy, so that is where she'll play. I think the atmosphere at this level may have not been what she expected. She loved playing tournaments where the ultimate goal was to make it to the championship game on Sunday. The showcase tournaments are all about getting seen by scouts and I think she had a hard time adjusting to that.

 

[softballphreak]

Let your DD decide. Put her first. Put showcase softball totally out of the picture. If you're not competing (really competing) it can get really boring if you're a competitor.

As far as exciting places to travel most of the time is spent on the road, in a hotel, and in a complex. They all start to look and feel alike.

It's a great time for parents—you're getting to watch the most precious thing in your life, your kid. They may be trying to please the most precious things in their lives—their parents. Hard to tell the difference sometimes for the player where the love is—softball or parents.

Let your DD decide. In the meantime use some travel time to enjoy some of the places you visit(ed). Might even take in a few of those tournaments as a "civilian." Might even rekindle her softball fire.

Above all else, put her first!

 

[RubberBiscuit]

I had a DD that quit then came back to the sport on her own. Right around the same age.

Here is what happened:
Right after last 16U season - a miserable team experience - she says basically the same thing (my DD a pitcher forever too) - "I don't want to play anymore - it's not fun".
I thought I would implode but I told her she can choose what she wants and mom/dad will support (as long as she is doing something requiring personal investment).
It took her 3 months to figure out that the grass was not greener and wanted right back into the TB life.

My assessment:
DD thought she was missing out on being a "regular" girl in HS and doing "regular" HS kid things.
DD started to spend more time with these "regular" HS kids and found out they were not focused, not as productive, and not so much fun. By now at 16 yrs old and spending her previous 8 years working hard towards a goal my DD was a very different young lady from most in HS.

Moral of the story - If ya love it let it go....... If it was meant to be it will come back.

 

[redhotcoach]

My dd is about the same age. She really doesn't know the "Gold" travel ball situation because of our other kids sports/ financial cost of that much travel (plus 2 other kids), lack of teams, and dynamics of the area and high school season. She is often told she is an rear kicker and deserves better, but what is better? She is having a blast! I tell her and the rest of our daddy ball team about living for the moment. Enjoy each and every pitch in each and every game! Not enjoying it because the team you are playing for doesn't have "GOLD" attached to the end of the team is not living for the moment. Thinking about where this is going to take you in 4 years is not living for the moment. Playing each and every pitch for your competive best and enjoying being your best is living for the moment, respecting the game, and trusting the process. When she is 40 years old should she remember playing softball until she was 18 and having a blast, or remember playing softball until she was 21 and being constantly stressed out?

I will now get off the soap box, sit down, and remember all the issues this game is stressing me out about.

 

[legalbecky]

Let your DD decide. In the meantime use some travel time to enjoy some of the places you visit(ed). Might even take in a few of those tournaments as a "civilian." Might even rekindle her softball fire.

Above all else, put her first!

That's exactly what our plan is for the summer. Visit some places over the summer as spectators and dial it down for a change, see what happens. And you're right, putting her first is the important thing.