Coach/Player/Parent Issue

I learned many years and 6 kids ago to not get in a pissing match with kids or parents. You are being disrespected. Players see this. If it were me, I would give the HC a choice, either player and parents go or I go. Don't be surprised if the other parents ask you back in the spring.

I've asked the head coach to meet today to discuss our options dealing with the situation. I appreciate everyone taking their time to offer some fantastic feedback.

grcsftbll said:

Yikes. Hate to say it but if your story is the full story and your head coach won't cut this player, I'd go elsewhere. There's tons of drama in softball that you just have to deal with but that type of behavior is beyond what's even marginally acceptable to me. I will never understand why coaches put up with this kind of thing.

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I agree, nobody should put up with this behavior from players or parents.

Sparky Guy said:

The one piece of advice I can give you is to NEVER, EVER be alone with this girl, mother or boyfriend. If you talk to them make sure another coach is there, even on the field at practice. It sounds like she's well on her way to being her mother by your accounts.

If you're going to be the HC in the spring then cut her loose at that time. There are some players who are not worth the player/parent drama and problems. No matter how talented they are. Remember. The team comes first before any player or coach. If the current HC doesn't have the spine to stand up to the kid and the parents then the best thing may be to leave. There are always teams looking for players.

It's not just kids sports where there are issues. You hear about college players with discipline issues all the time. There are problems with professional athletes all the time. When a team gets to the point of frustration they release the player. If a player becomes too big a headache none of the teams will put them on their roster. Professional and college sports history is rife with many a player who've ruined a possible great career through bad behavior off and on the field.

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Great advice every coach new or seasoned should read and heed. If I take the team, she will not be a part of it, with no exception.

Top_Notch said:

I hope you have a code of conduct for the parents and players, signed by both parties, before anyone steps on the field. Rationally explain (which at times is difficult) that there is a 24hr cool-down rule. Issues are not addressed during games or in the parking lot. We will certainly be receptive of your email detailing the issues (get it in writing what their beef is), and then we can set up a meeting discuss with the coaching staff. Otherwise, don't engage, because they aren't there to solve a problem, they are there to create one.

As for next year, sounds like either you or she needs to find a new team. Keep your distance the best you can.

Best of luck.

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HC had the players sign one this year, understanding the expectations and establishing ground rules. I do not believe the parents signed it. We our governed by a recreational league so our bylaws will protect us in reference to the player and parents.

Easton33 said:

Spring ball is just around the corner.... bide your time, keep your distance, and kick her off the team when you are head coach. Gives you ample time to find a pickup.

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We've got 2 tournaments, local, left and 5 weeks of practice. I would love to get this resolved ASAP to keep some of the team together less a few girls for the Spring.

GunnerShotgun said:

Can you kick a player out of the dugout? Depending on the rule set it's my understanding that all players must remain in the dugout. It just strikes me as odd as I have never done that or seen that done before. Where do you expect the player to go and who is supervising that player? At that age we would have a bench coach or scorekeeper in the dugout when the other coaches are coaching base.

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quincy said:

I have kicked a player into the stands, probably illegal.

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She went behind the dugout. I felt it necessary to react immediately before the umpire tossed the player and a coach. It was done deliberately to show up the umpire. At the time, I was not aware the parents were not in the stands.

quincy said:

If it gets to OP is stating I would leave or player needs to leave.

I know I am not supposed to be with player alone, it happens still.

If I am in RF with her, 30 people sort of around, I can not say anything?

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I'm rarely alone with my own kid at practice or games. I will be instructing HC I will not run practice on my own until girl is gone. I am fine with stepping away and pulling my kid from the team today.

reagansdaddy said:

I've always said you cut more parents than players. Sounds like these parents need cut. It's harsh, but it's reality.

Also, listen to Sparky Guy, NEVER be alone with any of the people in question and I wouldn't let your daughter near them either.

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They go to school together, and they're very zero tolerance on harassment. She's been given dirty looks, but it stops there. My kid's got very thick skin.

SB1221 said:

Do you have a team agreement? Our organization has a team agreement that has a policy of 1. 24 hour rule about any issues. 2. If players or parents are a problem (excessive drinking, verbal abuse to coaches, etc etc) it's grounds for removal of the player. Parents and players sign it.

We have a parent meeting before the year begins in mid August. I give them (parents and players) clear expectations about what we expect. You follow it, or you get asked to leave. I want to spend my time coaching, not baby sitting players and parents.

If your organization does not stick up for you as a coach and figurehead, I'd look elsewhere and fast.

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See above. I believe only players signed it. We came to this team after moving after it was formed. I have and will continue to build teams with strong athletes, with strong parental support and academics.

I have to agree with the other posters, never be alone with anyone in this family and either you or she should go. If you are looking forward to being HC in the spring and she doesn't go before then, bide your time until you can remove her from your team. That being said, I do think that you acted inappropriately to begin with. I would not be happy with my assistant coach yelling from across the field for a girl to vacate the dugout. There are a few reasons for this. There was at least one other coach closer to the player that should have handled the situation. ANYTHING you are yelling from across the field to the dugout is going to come across as angry or too loud, since you literally have to scream to be heard. Also, you cannot kick an active player out of the dugout without removing her from the game. And that wasn't your place as you pointed out, because you are not yet the head coach. From what you have shared with us, I think you acted out of frustration because the other coaches didn't address the behavior how you thought it should be handled. And that is completely understandable, considering the attitude and behavior the girl has demonstrated. So she handled the situation poorly, you handled the situation poorly, the parents and coaches handled the situation poorly. But coaching is all about making mistakes and learning from them, and there are a lot of lessons to be learned here! Best of luck moving forward either with this team or forming a new team in the spring.

Am I missing something here? I don't see that it was said that the AC yelled across the field? He was the 1st base coach - why are we assuming that the team dugout was on the 3rd base side of the field? Perhaps the dugout was the 1st base dugout?

gamommax3 said:

I have to agree with the other posters, never be alone with anyone in this family and either you or she should go. If you are looking forward to being HC in the spring and she doesn't go before then, bide your time until you can remove her from your team. That being said, I do think that you acted inappropriately to begin with. I would not be happy with my assistant coach yelling from across the field for a girl to vacate the dugout. There are a few reasons for this. There was at least one other coach closer to the player that should have handled the situation. ANYTHING you are yelling from across the field to the dugout is going to come across as angry or too loud, since you literally have to scream to be heard. Also, you cannot kick an active player out of the dugout without removing her from the game. And that wasn't your place as you pointed out, because you are not yet the head coach. From what you have shared with us, I think you acted out of frustration because the other coaches didn't address the behavior how you thought it should be handled. And that is completely understandable, considering the attitude and behavior the girl has demonstrated. So she handled the situation poorly, you handled the situation poorly, the parents and coaches handled the situation poorly. But coaching is all about making mistakes and learning from them, and there are a lot of lessons to be learned here! Best of luck moving forward either with this team or forming a new team in the spring.

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As nikkilugi pointed out, there is no indication that the OP was "yelling from across the field". However, if that was the case, it would be inappropriate, as you said.

More than a few times, I have asked a player to step out of the dugout. Most often this is because they have returned to the dugout after a strikeout or error and are crying, pouting, or behaving in another way that is distracting the team from the game on the field - step out, calm yourself down, find your focus again, and come back when you're ready to cheer on your teammates as they did for you. There are also instances where I have had a player have a one-on-one conversation with me outside of dugout.

My bad, I did assume that he was across the field. I must have misread it because that was the scene I was seeing in my head while reading it. If he was the closest coach, it does make it less of an issue.

Just to clear up any confusion, we were on the 1B side and I was coaching 1B about 25 feet from the middle of the bench where the girl wad sitting. I'm naturally a loud guy, but there was no anger in the situation, it was just a quick reaction to a volitle situation in a close game. We had 3 coaches in the dugout that did not react to the situation before, during or after. Another pain point for me.

Spoke with the HC in person Tuesday. Agreed that the boyfriend is no longer allowed at any team events. I'm to have no contact with the girl. Last night at P/C practice, my daughter broke down in tears in the truck when we left. The awkwardness and feeling of being under the microscope was too much. We've made our decision and will be moving on.

MG83 said:

Just to clear up any confusion, we were on the 1B side and I was coaching 1B about 25 feet from the middle of the bench where the girl wad sitting. I'm naturally a loud guy, but there was no anger in the situation, it was just a quick reaction to a volitle situation in a close game. We had 3 coaches in the dugout that did not react to the situation before, during or after. Another pain point for me.

Spoke with the HC in person Tuesday. Agreed that the boyfriend is no longer allowed at any team events. I'm to have no contact with the girl. Last night at P/C practice, my daughter broke down in tears in the truck when we left. The awkwardness and feeling of being under the microscope was too much. We've made our decision and will be moving on.

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It sounds like you are making the right decision for you and your DD.

We had 3 coaches in the dugout that did not react to the situation before, during or after. Another pain point for me.

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It sounds like everyone is scared of the girl, mother and BF. You're in a no-win situation. The HC has some type investment in the girl, so she won't be let go. You made the best choice for your DD and yourself to find another team.

It might best for your DD if you step back from coaching. Let her be a regular girl on the team and it'll give you more time to work with her alone. You'll be surprised how much she can improve if you're directing all of your efforts towards her alone.

I hope you have a code of conduct for the parents and players, signed by both parties

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I don't know that these documents are often worth much beyond the sentiment of them.