struggling with DD's motivation and love of the game…advice?

[John T]

KHS,

Sounds like a good amount of time, "Short and Sweet", keep it moving and keep it fun!

 

[KneeHighSocks]

thank you !!

 

[JAD]

I am a big proponent of letting kids "find their niche". If your DD made the transition from REC to TB and did not like the increased level of competition, I would rather find that out now vs. 4 years from now when I have spent lots of $$$ and have nothing to show for it but a closet full of used softball equipment. I am sure there are stories of kids who hated softball at 10U and became great D1 college players, but for every one of those there are 10K kids playing a sport because their parents will not let them quit. If your DD does not want to play softball, fine, but make her do some other activity to take its place - volleyball, basketball, art, dance, cheerleading, piano, guitar, sewing, ect.

I have one of each, DD1 is a very good athlete while DD2 is my "artsy" kid who never never liked competitive sports.....my kids are so opposite it sometimes makes me wonder if both are mine! LOL

 

[KneeHighSocks]

she's my artsy one. Then fell in love with softball. I think she hit a few bumps in the road in the past and her confidence took a hit. I'm just trying to get it back up. If she comes out strong in Spring she may fall in love again. If not, then she can quit after Spring is over. She needs to find whatever it is that makes her happy. I'm just trying to teach her that it's normal to not always love something like you did when it was brand new. To see her successes and how far she's come. If she stops having fun we are done. But I think part of her "not having fun" was her not playing the way she wanted to play. And she won't ever do LL again. It's all beginners and would totally frustrate her. I just hope that I am doing everything I can to make this positive and teach her good values…it's been good to hear other's perspectives

 

[Ken Krause]

I'm with JJ (I think). It could be that the "relentless pursuit of perfection" is a bit much for her right now. Softball is a game, and games are supposed to be fun.

In the winter, especially in the north where we're indoors, practice can get to be a grind. Individual lessons even moreso because the instructor is focused on one person for the entire time. It can be difficult for kids that age to put in the work today and not see a payoff until months later. Remember that at age 11, one year is 1/11th of her entire life. That's like 4 years to someone who is 44. That would be a long time to wait for a benefit on something you're working your butt off on right now.

When she's at lessons is there ever time for conversation or laughter? Again, something that would allow her to just have fun. There are drills, games and competitions you can do to break up the monotony. Maybe offer a prize afterwards if she reaches a certain goal or fields a certain number of balls successfully. The purpose isn't the prize itself but to give the practice context, i.e., give her some sort of an immediate goal or gratification that also lets her measure her progress. This isn't about rewarding kids for showing up; it's about giving them perspective when they need it.

Find some ways to build some fun into it and it's likely she'll forget all about wanting to quit after the season. That way when she starts playing games and it's fun there are no nagging thoughts or bad memories to color her thinking for the next year.

And after all that, if she still doesn't like it anymore let her find her own passion. It's pure joy to see your kids doing things they really love to do.

 

[WARRIORMIKE]

Tell her if she doesn't play then she doesn't eat! It's been working with my daughter for years now. lol.

 

[Sparky Guy]

she's my artsy one. Then fell in love with softball. I think she hit a few bumps in the road in the past and her confidence took a hit. I'm just trying to get it back up. If she comes out strong in Spring she may fall in love again. If not, then she can quit after Spring is over. She needs to find whatever it is that makes her happy. I'm just trying to teach her that it's normal to not always love something like you did when it was brand new. To see her successes and how far she's come. If she stops having fun we are done. But I think part of her "not having fun" was her not playing the way she wanted to play. And she won't ever do LL again. It's all beginners and would totally frustrate her. I just hope that I am doing everything I can to make this positive and teach her good values…it's been good to hear other's perspectives

I work with a lot of young pitchers. One of the first things I do with them and the parent(s) is to set some ground rules and expectations. The same is true of kids moving into competitive levels of sports. They need to understand that perfection is desired. Their best effort is expected.

They need to know that it's OK to not get something the first, second, third or more times when trying to learn a skill. They need to know that mistakes are part of the learning process. I let them know that failing at something does not reflect upon who they are and the only time they are a failure is if they quit on themselves. As others have said. Too often kids are worried about letting their parents down with a bad performance. Sometimes parents can inhibit the learning process. Parents need to know that sometimes getting close is a great step in the right direction. No two players learn at the same rate.

Your DD's situation isn't confined to younger players. I have a HS girl I've been working with for a number of years. She has all the tools to be a good pitcher. However, she has what I call a 6" problem. The space between her ears. She's competing for circle time with another girl who throws slightly harder than she does and she doesn't see herself beating the other girl out. I asked her if she wants to beat the other girl out and she says yes. But I don't see/feel the swagger from her she needs to get there. As a coach, I haven't found the internal button to push yet to make it happen. So I know how frustrating it can be.

 

[KneeHighSocks]

….... It could be that the "relentless pursuit of perfection" is a bit much for her right now. Softball is a game, and games are supposed to be fun.


When she's at lessons is there ever time for conversation or laughter? Again, something that would allow her to just have fun. There are drills, games and competitions you can do to break up the monotony. Maybe offer a prize afterwards if she reaches a certain goal or fields a certain number of balls successfully. The purpose isn't the prize itself but to give the practice context, i.e., give her some sort of an immediate goal or gratification that also lets her measure her progress. This isn't about rewarding kids for showing up; it's about giving them perspective when they need it…...

thanks! And to be clear, her practices aren't a pursuit of perception. We started them merely because she had very limited infield experience and wants to be confident there. To be honest Even I am surprised at what goes into being a good infielder. The more she practices the more confident she is becoming which is what I think will be the key to her success. She LOVES her instructor and they do have a lot of fun joking etc. She has been frustrated at times, but last night at her sisters batting lesson a 14U team was practicing next door, doing infield drills, and I pointed to them and said "look , you can do all of that just as well as them, and they have 2 years on you…" and you know what happened next? she grabbed a ball and went in an empty tunnel and asked me to throw to her….so I saw that spark again and it was great.I think she will be Ok once she actually starts playing again.. I like your idea of incentives. I never want this to feel like a chore or a source of frustration.

thanks again

 

[AndyS]

It may be well meaning but you just reminded her of the competition and pursuit of perfection again. Confidence = (or comes from) extra practice (to get perfect!)--that is often a mistake that parents of young players make. I have seen parents bring kid to field while our practice is going on. They start practicing. I ask when their game is, and the answer is 2 hours later, but they want to get ready.....

Remember they want to please adults, and we have to be careful with the power we have in that regard.

I disagree completely. As I mentioned my DD went through this going into 14U. Interestingly enough one of the things we did is go watch a 14U indoor tournament late in the winter and that was the start of the eye opening process. My DD saw how much further along she had come that winter. So for Socks to point out "Hey you are every bit as good as those older girls and you are getting better with every practice is the exact message that worked for my DD".

I will say again Socks just keep doing what you are doing and keep giving her examples of how far she has come. Good luck!

 

[KneeHighSocks]

actually you both may be correct.

I identify more with what AndyS has said as the stories about our DD's have a lot of parallels. Andy, it was just like you describe last night. As soon as she saw those 13 year olds and recognized she could do every bit of what they were doing it made her feel awesome and finally, for the first time since winter started, see her progress.

Out in left field you are on to something though. And I don't want her to feel like she is in "bootcamp" at home. I promise you I am not living through her as I don't have an athletic bone in my body and never played sports (never wanted to), I just want her to succeed (to her own standards). It's hard to watch your kid feel defeated and deflated after games because she didn't play the way she wanted to play. I am trying to give her the tools she needs to do that. And have told her to quit when she stops enjoying it. Is now that time? or is it just a slow period…thats what I've been trying to gauge.Which is why I asked my original question. I am not pushing her but more recognizing a talent she possesses and encouraging her to continue. It is a hard balance

I appreciate everyones input. A lot of good insight and advice. thanks again