struggling with DD's motivation and love of the game…advice?

[KneeHighSocks]

Sorry in advance...This will be long

DD is 11 and plays on a 12U C level travel team. This is her second year playing Travel ball and she played 2 years of little league before her travel team. Her team this year consists of 9 girls that also moved up to 12U with her from last years 10U team. She LOVES these girls. We are very lucky in the sense that we have great families on this team and no drama really.
Here's the technical part. DD is an *average* player. Not a standout and not on the bench. Last year she took a while to really warm up to the competitive level of travel ball so she played usually right field and was Ok with it mostly.
She's always been a strong hitter and has been with a hitting coach for over a year and just continues to get stronger in that area (her fall average is .351). Last year she always "wanted" to play 3rd base, but her coach had told her no and that the girl that started at 3rd "owned 3rd base". (in our opinion she wasn't a whole lot better than DD so that really hurt her feelings, especially since that girl is younger and still playing 10U this year). Anyhoo this Fall she finally got her crack at 3rd base. She would start half of the games at 3rd or rotate in in the 3rd inning after another teammate started at 3rd (shared position). She was "ok" needed to be quicker to the ball and not afraid to go after the ball (sometimes would let the shortstop take what could have been hers)SHe really improved over the Fall season and the last few games she played really well and aggressive. She came out of the dugout with a huge smile and I told her to remember that feeling as that's the type of playing we were going to work on and toward over winter. Her coach had told her it's her position to win full time if she wants it. So now over winter we've got a private coach and all they do is 3rd base drills. Foot work, glove work, getting the ball out fast, accurate throws to first etc. Needless to say this was a little daunting for DD as she had never really done most of this or been instructed "how" to do this since before she mostly played outfield in the past. It's been like drinking from a fire hose. Every time she improves on a skill she's shown how to do it faster or taught another one. I get it. She's 11 and its HARD!! But now she's starting to say she wants to quit after the Spring. She's anxious about Spring and if she will be good enough. She says she doesn't love it like she did before. She wants to "play volleyball"( where'd that come from??). I think this must be sort of normal. I was a dancer for 10 years in my youth and totally remember wanting to quit several times when it got hard. I also think 12U/14U may be a time where it's a make it or break it for a lot of girls. A lot of girls start to get really good and excel, and the gap widens with the ones who just aren't good or don't work hard and it can be discouraging. in my area if you don't excel you may as well not play, and rec isn't competitive at all. It's all about the travel teams.

Just looking for other experiences. I sort of feel like I need to push her just a little because she can be lazy. But trying to figure out if we as parents want this more than her. is this normal?

thanks for any advice.

 

[FP26]

This is obviously my personal opinion, and I am sure you are likely to hear/read a lot of those. But at 11 years old, are you really sure she knows what she wants to do "after the spring is over"? When my DD was 11, she had difficulty figuring out what she wanted to do after dinner... We learned very quickly that there is a significant difference between LL and TB. This could be just a matter of some growing pains. I understand your reason for asking the question, but I would not be surprised if her mind changes again by the time the end of spring rolls around. And if her mind doesn't change, there is probably a reason for it. Maybe it just isn't something she is truly passionate about. Good luck!

 

[KneeHighSocks]

yes good points LOL

I guess I could have said she'd quit now if I let her. But I told her she made a commitment to the team and can't abandon that mid year. She also loves the team like a family and realizes that quitting also means losing a big part of her life as we know it. I think her feelings for the game are just waning and by her saying she may not want to continue after this year is her safeguard that she doesn't need to let go "right now"... but it could be on the horizon as she's "just not feeling it right now"…Like she's preparing for the possibility
Does that make sense?

Thats why we are working over winter. I want her to finish strong in Spring so she can make the best informed decision possible. Knowing she did all she could and if she still doesn't love it then so be it.

just trying to gauge if other girls do this or not. because if you ask the other girls on her team they eat drink and sleep softball

 

[CoogansBluff]

This is obviously my personal opinion, and I am sure you are likely to hear/read a lot of those. But at 11 years old, are you really sure she knows what she wants to do "after the spring is over"? When my DD was 11, she had difficulty figuring out what she wanted to do after dinner... We learned very quickly that there is a significant difference between LL and TB. This could be just a matter of some growing pains. I understand your reason for asking the question, but I would not be surprised if her mind changes again by the time the end of spring rolls around. And if her mind doesn't change, there is probably a reason for it. Maybe it just isn't something she is truly passionate about. Good luck!

That's pretty right on. When my DD was 11, I wouldn't give much thought to what she predicted she might do several months down the road. I'd just reassure her that it's her sport, and she can do with it what she wants. Playing travel softball is a huge commitment. Most kids do not engage in something that encompassing and demanding, so it's only normal that their interest may ebb and flow, and that they question what they're doing. It's not unusual that they are not driven to get better at this age. You use the word 'lazy,' but I bet that if you compared how much time she spends on softball vs. the time that the average kid that age spends on something, it would provide a new perspective. At 11, the typical player does what is asked of them by the coach, and not a lot more. Many do work hard at that age on their own, but most don't, especially at the B/C level. It's important that they understand it's a choice and there are many other options for her to spend her time, including volleyball. It's normal and healthy that she think that way.

 

[FP26]

Makes sense to me. Just keep in mind that many 11 year old boys and girls view practice as "homework". Playing the game is fun. But the practice required behind the scenes can be difficult. My DD was/is no different. At 11, it took some prodding to get her to practice. I did my best to make it fun for her, plus I gave her some control over what we did. Some nights we would work on hitting, pitching, fielding.... whatever. She is now 14, and her level of commitment has improved dramatically, but it can still be a challenge at times. There are two things I tell her all the time. 1) you control your own destiny. you will only be as good as you want to be. 2) i love spending time with you. Whether it is softball or something else, that won't change.

I realize I am rambling a bit, but I do believe that this is very common. Especially at that age...

 

[KneeHighSocks]

You use the word 'lazy,' but I bet that if you compared how much time she spends on softball vs. the time that the average kid that age spends on something, it would provide a new perspective..

absolutely!! And now I feel bad for calling her lazy. She's not. She's very hard working at practices and she amazes me every day. She can do things I never even imagined. especially at age 11. She can be just not very motivated/practice is always initiated by her father or myself (normal I'm sure) and if given the opportunity she'd rather sit on the couch and read or watch her Kindle (also normal I'm sure)

I just don't want to become what's keeping her in. I want her to want it. Trust herself and her skill and feel good about it. I've always told her when it stops being fun we are done. And I think she's saying it's not fun right now. :-(

 

[riseball]

If she is not passionate about softball then what is she passionate about? If the answer is nothing or worse yet watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians then I would be concerned. Kids learn about commitment, hard work, perseverance and a whole bunch of other life lessons by pursuing their passion. All 4 of my DD's wanted to quit softball at some point. But they were not allowed to quit "just because" they had to quit in order to do something else that provided a similar benefit. This BS about letting kids wander about and just being kids is just that, BS. If you are not committed to something you are committed to nothing. Maybe a break is in order but in the end she needs to be doing something if not softball.

 

[JJsqueeze]

maybe all the focus on getting better all of the time is bumming her out? Not every kid wants to improve everything all of the time, some like to just play, some like to compete like maniacs. The biggest mistake we make collectively as parents of young athletes is the constant improvement treadmill. Would you like it if every time you nailed a project at work the boss said "great work, now here is how we do it faster?"...sometimes it just has to be "good job, keep it up".

As I go through this journey with my kids, I mix in times of just practicing what they already do well with no focus on getting better, I also let them choose skills they want to improve sometimes, sometimes I tell them that a certain skill is lagging others and it needs to improve now. Sometimes I am a ruthless drill sergeant, sometimes a goofball dad, The point is that you gotta mix it up a little and at the end of the day, they will dictate how much they want to improve and then we have to recognize this and put them in the best situation to ENJOY the game. It is a game after all.

Another thing you will notice is that many of the skills players develop come at their own pace as they mature, not everything can be taught via drills and abstract instruction, players need to make their own mistakes, feel things, and naturally refine them. Truth be told, much of what my daughters do well has nothing to do with coaching by me or anyone else, it is just them naturally gravitating towards the best way to do things and using their natural gifts.

Recent story-

Older DD is a pitcher, I had ben working with her over the last six months to "own her pitching" meaning don't rely on dad to ask you to practice, after giving her some heads ups that someday I would stop asking her to practice, one day I just stopped asking her. As a 12 year old, she of course then stopped practicing, maybe once a week she would say dad let's practice. This went on for about a month and her game pitching really suffered, she did not like this at all but I simply told her that practicing once a week just will not lead to improvement, she will probably not get worse, but that she can expect to always have those game results with a 1x a week practice regime. The practice requests started going up, the game results got better and now she is asking to practice daily and I have to tell her to take days off. This is all really recent so I do not expect it to last forever but I do think she understands that it is not just dad talking, you really do get out of something what you put in. She is pitching better than ever right now and really wants to keep this momentum. The results are great but the important part is that she now owns it, I am no longer responsible for being the practice scheduler I simply grab my mitt when asked and try not to get injured while sitting on a bucket.

 

[BobInMadison]

People change their minds a LOT when they are young. I spent a lot of time on certain hobbies as a HS freshman, but by the time I waas a junior I had completely different hobbies, which I no longer pursue.

I konw of cases where the relationship between parents and their kids has been strained because the parent pushed the kid to remain in a sport the kid no longer enjoyed. DD #1 thought I pushed her a little too much in softball, but things are fine between us now. DD #3 is a good player, and is fairly dedicated to softball, and could be a great player if she really wanted to. But, I can't push her too hard without really straining things.

 

[KCPRK]

if she is not passionate about softball then what is she passionate about? If the answer is nothing or worse yet watching keeping up with the kardashians then i would be concerned. Kids learn about commitment, hard work, perseverance and a whole bunch of other life lessons by pursuing their passion. All 4 of my dd's wanted to quit softball at some point. But they were not allowed to quit "just because" they had to quit in order to do something else that provided a similar benefit. This bs about letting kids wander about and just being kids is just that, bs. If you are not committed to something you are committed to nothing. Maybe a break is in order but in the end she needs to be doing something if not softball.

^^^^amen!!