Husband isn't insterested--Help Guys!

[RubberBiscuit]

My DH is very involved in DD's softball, comes to every practice, game and takes her out hitting, and to various lessons. I am very grateful. The two of them are very close. However, they each have very strong personalities, and she hasn't over the years taken his "instruction" well. (yes, a lot of eye rolling and then things escalate into a fight between the two of them). He is very analytical, and feels the need to "correct" any issues that he sees with her swing, etc. (I see his point; we pay good money for lessons, and to see her fall back into old habits is frustrating!!!) The problem I have is that he will go on and on and on until she is mad, crying, etc. and then I feel the day is ruined. I feel that after a bad game or tourney, DD feels bad enough, and just try to make her feel better and be supportive. The funny thing is, is that when I tell him that he's being too hard on her, and to "let it go" , she ends up mad at me! They just have their way of dealing with each other. It took me a long time to back away and let them do their thing. I think she really needs and thrives on both parenting styles, as she knows we both want what's best for her.
GG, you may have to be the one who initially plays the bigger role with your DDs sports. Coaching and working with them may not be his thing right now. I agree with others on here that your DH's presence is what is needed, and may grow from there. Hopefully he goes to watch their games? Our roles change in various stages of their lives. Enjoy the ride as best you can, it is a roller coaster for sure! They grow way too fast.

Honey,..is that you????



But seriously - my DW would & has said the same thing like this about me.

The "urgent" thing, from my perspective, that I woke up on a bit too late on is this :

Your DH NEEDS to balance his "attack" (so to speak). Because DD WILL see his criticism as an attack.

The balance that DH needs to find is really not a true "balance". For every criticism, no matter how constructive it might be, it NEEDS to be wrapped in a praise just before and just after the critique. Not saying invent good things to say but make it real.

This is VERY important because I think my relationship could have been sooo much better at this moment in time if she didn't think I was always the bearer of "negativity" in the earlier years.

My 2 cents

 

[11smom]

Thanks RB - DH and I have had many, many conversations (OK, sometimes fights) over this, and I will say that he is trying. He does give positive praise, but will go over any negative stuff again and again until it's "fixed". He always tells her he is sorry and that he is so proud of her, just wants her to reach her potential. They have a relationship that I am actually very happy to see flourish. I wish all kids could be so blessed! I think it is just hard for me to watch the negatives, because our personalities differ so much. I just handle things differently.
Thanks for sharing your insight from personal experience!

 

[Eric F]

What I've found works well when my DD starts getting frustrated with me is that I give her the option to stop whatever we're working - either switch to something else, or stop all together. Most of the time, she gets her focus back and we keep moving forward, but not always. It has taken me a while to program MYSELF how to be like this with her. I've realized that usually the issue is because I haven't done a good job presenting things in a way that makes sense to her young brain. Also, instead of chastising her mistake ("stop dropping your hands"), I try to reinforce the action we're trying to achieve ("keep your hands up"). When I remember to control my own behavior, her behavior is better, and we get more done. Sometimes, however, we both don't do well. Trying to force through those times is never productive.

 

[GatorGirl]

Awesome insights guys! Just an update....our older DD has now decided to try out for the Middle School basket ball team at the end of Oct. She will finish softball this season and most likely won't play in the spring(her choice totally). Husband prefers to work on basketball and is much better at it! I hate basketball. I am glad to help be a guard or whatever, but am so happy he is willing to step into this role.

The pressure to try and help my DD gain softball skill is gone(I just want her in some sport to keep her fit and out of trouble) and I can focus on the younger DD who is more into softball and has more natural tendencies. Now I won't be so frazzled when working with the younger one, thinking that I have to give the older DD equal time. So, things do have a way of working out. We are all much happier.

Thanks to all!
GG

 

[coach james]

OK of topic but based on the name of this thread, how many of you guys thought this was spam that was going to be deleted in about 2 minutes? Just me?

Lol.. I thought that at first too.... bount chic ah wow wow

 

[Easton33]

Awesome insights guys! Just an update....our older DD has now decided to try out for the Middle School basket ball team at the end of Oct. She will finish softball this season and most likely won't play in the spring(her choice totally). Husband prefers to work on basketball and is much better at it! I hate basketball. I am glad to help be a guard or whatever, but am so happy he is willing to step into this role.

The pressure to try and help my DD gain softball skill is gone(I just want her in some sport to keep her fit and out of trouble) and I can focus on the younger DD who is more into softball and has more natural tendencies. Now I won't be so frazzled when working with the younger one, thinking that I have to give the older DD equal time. So, things do have a way of working out. We are all much happier.

Thanks to all!
GG

But was this really her "choice", or a decision she made because DH wasn't involved? Did she make this choice so she could spend more time with him? Or did she make it because she noticed the stress on the family? Did you explain to her how much better she will be next spring if she works during "off season"
. Just playing Devil's Advocate. She is older and may feel she is too far behind to be good, totally not true, but sit down and one on one and find out why. Good luck.

 

[GatorGirl]

Thanks Easton, but she has had little interest from day one. She asked to sign up and we told her it was a three season commitment due to the expense and well we didn't want her just up and quit. This is actually her 4th season, by choice. She may or may not want to do it again. She just NEVER wanted to practice to try and get better and it never bothered her that she was so far behind the other girls. I offered and tried everything and there was just no spark. Last season I finally just accepted that she was just happy being with the girls and if her skill level didn't bother her, I had to get over it.

She does improve when she works, but she just doesn't want to. Who knows a season off might light a fire and bring her back. Since her sister will still play in the spring, it might bother her that she still has to go to the ball field and just sit or it might be her thing. I am just happy there is peace at home.

 

[James Smith]

DD and us are going to have a talk in about a year. She says she wants to play HS ball but she doesn’t put in the work. Neither DW nor I care too much one way or another, but if she really wants to play HS ball she needs to work on it and get better. I do think she will still play SB as she gets older somewhere.

We had a player on our Team last year that was always forgetting het mitt and bat somewhere. She didn’t care if she ever got into the game, she just wanted to be in the Dugout with the other players. Really nice girl. (It is hard not to smile thinking about her.)