How to moderate a perfectionist

[starsnuffer]

After her strikeout, she went to a corner of the dugout to be alone and quietly cried. She didn't make a scene, and wasn't seeking attention. She just cried because she was disappointed and mad at herself. I am concerned this behavoir might make her undesirable for her coaches. As a coach, would you consider this tolerable behavoir? It's obviously not desired or prefered, and something I will continue to try to improve. I grew up in a family of brothers (no sisters), so I'm kind of feeling my way with how girls handle things and what other people can/will tolerate. Thank you to everyone for their help and insight.

This is not acceptable. As a pitcher, she has to be a leader. The mood of the entire team will wax and wane around her, and she has to be aware of that.

There is a GREAT chapter in Hal's "Sneaky Softball Pitching" book about this. I encourage you to share it with your daughter. My daughter has a laminated copy of this page (Sorry Hal) in her bag and I have her refer to it often. She suffers from the same issues as your daughter, and still has a lot to learn about controlling how she behaves. It is fine to feel, and fine to be emotional, but how she expresses those emotions is another matter entirely.

She needs to understand that her teammates care about her, and if she's crying in the dugout, her teammates (and coaches) are going to be worried about her, when they should be focused on their game and doing their jobs. She's distracting her team and thus hurting her team by behaving in such a manner, even though she is not doing it maliciously.

-W

 

[Ivy's Dad]

This is not acceptable. As a pitcher, she has to be a leader. The mood of the entire team will wax and wane around her, and she has to be aware of that.

-W

My DD is not a pitcher. She plays 3B and OF. She is a leader on the team, however, and places so much pressure on herself because she does not want to let her teammates down. I agree that crying in the dugout is not appropriate, and plan on continuing to work with her on keeping her emotions in check during the game. As I said, I have very little experience dealing with 12 YOA girls, so I'm learning as I go. Her coaches seem o.k. with it so far (it only happened once), but I am concerned that it will get old real fast. Thank you all for all of your insight and advice. I do appreciate it.

 

[Lozza]

This was a BIG issue for me at her age. Same reasons, I hated letting my teammates down.

My mother was my coach and if I cried I got one 'pull it together' from the scorer. If I didn't stop I was immediately benched for the rest of the game. (and the cop it the whole way home) It will either break her of it or she won't be able to hack it.

Until I was 15 I would still get teary, it was a reaction I couldn't help, but I wouldn't cry. I'd bite through my lip to avoid it. I've only had one meltdown since (and that was when I was 26! Grand final and my year long shoulder injury decided to go cactus on me in that game. I was in agony and so damn angry at myself I couldn't hold it together. I broke down on the bench and after faceplanting, I just laid on the ground and cried. I still cringe with shame at that) but it does break them of it.

 

[Ivy's Dad]

She needs to understand that her teammates care about her, and if she's crying in the dugout, her teammates (and coaches) are going to be worried about her, when they should be focused on their game and doing their jobs. She's distracting her team and thus hurting her team by behaving in such a manner, even though she is not doing it maliciously.

-W

We had a chat last night. I told her that she was sucking the fun out of softball for herself and everyone around her. I could tell I scored some points on that one. It will be a long process, but I feel better knowing it's not just my DD that has this problem and there is hope that I can correct it. It will be a long road, but I think we're on the right path.

 

[Dave D]

Ivy's Dad, I admire your willingness and ability to see the potential problem and seek out solutions that will make things better for everyone. As a coach, I'm always more willing to take on that player who I think needs some perspective adjustment if I know that there is a parent on board who sees the potential for problems and will hold the player to the same standards I do. If my policy to to sit a player who's crying, I need parents who not only support, but agree that the policy is the right one. It's also great that you're addressing this issue when your DD is younger, rather than hoping she'll grow out of it. There's nothing worse than seeing this kind of behavior on a high school team, and I guarantee you'll NEVER see it on a college team. Good Luck, and kudos to you!

 

[starsnuffer]

Glad to hear it! Sometimes hearing the hard truth helps. It sounds like your daughter really cares about the game, her team, and her performance, and it's probably a difficult pill to swallow for her that the very nature of her caring can also be harmful if not controlled.

Like I said, my oldest is still going through the same thing, and while she's overcome the crying, she still has a tendancy to sit on the end of the bench with a sullen expression after a strikeout, ect. One thing I do that helps a bit is to make sure the whole team is up on the fence rooting for their teammates. Again, it's a perception issue, so even if she's feeling bad, if her team sees her cheering and not sulking, then the problem is adverted. Half the time it "cheers" her up anyway.

Good luck!

-W

 

[51sDad]

2 parts you have to deal with actually. The crying in the dugout is inexcusable. She needs (as someone previously mentioned) to learn the value of having a short memory. Make sure you continuously reinforce the fact that some games she will be 4 for 4 and others she may go weeks without a hit. It's the nature of the game. Make sure she knows she has your support regardless of her performance. Explain to her the "bigger picture" and that one plate appearance as a 12 year old is insignificant to her career in softball and in life in general. In addition, teach her that this is a team sport. She will live and die with the girls in the matching uniforms and there are many, many other contributors to winning a game than her individual performance on the dirt.

As for her competitive nature...I don't see a problem with refusing to strive for mediocrity. If you and your DD are serious about softball, and your coach doesn't appreciate the value of her perfectionist nature, move to Texas and I'll get you in front of 50 coaches that will.
In all seriousness though, as long as that perfectionist in her forces her to strive for perfection, I say it's a good thing. She will learn to control her emotions as time goes on. Good luck

 

[CPSBDad]

I wish the parents of one of our pitchers got tough on their kid. She is always on the verge of tears after she strikes out, hits a popfly and someone catches it, or she's had a tough innning. Sometimes crying in the dugout.

While in a tournament last year she had the toughest time against the opposing team. All the girls were hitting off of her--something she wasn't used to. Needless to say, she started crying on the mound. Coach left her out there and you could see the rest of the team began to crumble. We got beat bad.

 

[Denise]

I am brand new to this site so pardon me for my lack of knowledge for the postings but Dave, yours got to me! Well stated...... Looking forward to reading lots more. I am just a coach's wife

 

[Ivy's Dad]

Update on the situation. My DD has promised me that she will not cry on the field or in the dugout. I told her that if she wants to cry in the car after the game, that would be o.k., but not during the game. Her next game is tomorrow night, so we'll see if she keeps her promise. I think we're making progress, and appreciate the helpful suggestions everyone gave. The best thing about softball and this forum is it really improved my understanding of 12 YOA girls. That alone I consider a win.