As a coach of my DD TB team, spectator to her VB team, and my DS sports, there is one thing I always remember..."Enjoy the ride" it won't last long, but as it does, enjoy the living crap out of it. Because there will be a day when we will all miss "hey dad" or "hey mom" coming from the back seat of the car.
How do you not live vicariously through your kid?
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- Feb 3, 2011
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This is her game, not mine. And it's just another item in the toybox of life for her.
That being said, I (and her mother) put a lot of hours in as well. She's a strong player on an above average team and she typically contributes however she can every day.
But there are times when I don't think she's giving everything she's got. I'm not talking about playing her position. I'm talking about not always stepping up and taking charge when the team is looking for a vocal leader to wipe out the funk. That's not something that should always have to come from the coaches. As a coaching staff, we want players to take the lead in that and my personal expectation is that my DD will be the one to take the lead when no one else will. I can't tell her what her personality should be, but when she's behind the plate, I can tell her what's in her job description.
Because it's just softball, I am pretty good at keeping all my emotions in check. My sore spot is the called 3rd strike, but all the players get the same response from me on that.
In basketball, she plays for someone else and no matter what's going on (they've lost every game this season), I just sit there and film the games. I have almost no investment there, so there's pretty much no emotion from me at all. Mom, not so much.
That being said, I (and her mother) put a lot of hours in as well. She's a strong player on an above average team and she typically contributes however she can every day.
But there are times when I don't think she's giving everything she's got. I'm not talking about playing her position. I'm talking about not always stepping up and taking charge when the team is looking for a vocal leader to wipe out the funk. That's not something that should always have to come from the coaches. As a coaching staff, we want players to take the lead in that and my personal expectation is that my DD will be the one to take the lead when no one else will. I can't tell her what her personality should be, but when she's behind the plate, I can tell her what's in her job description.
Because it's just softball, I am pretty good at keeping all my emotions in check. My sore spot is the called 3rd strike, but all the players get the same response from me on that.
In basketball, she plays for someone else and no matter what's going on (they've lost every game this season), I just sit there and film the games. I have almost no investment there, so there's pretty much no emotion from me at all. Mom, not so much.
Ultimately, parents are responsible for the raising of their children. At some point in time, the parents need to trust that those children are ready to shoulder more of the responsibility on their own. That can be incredibly difficult for some parents to accept.
When DD first started her softball career, she was a mere 7 years old. At that point in time, she was very reliant on me as a parent and a coach. Looking back on those years, I have learned that due to my fear of being labeled a "daddy ball coach", I mistreated her. There were several times when in my heart I knew that she was the better pitcher and the one I needed in the circle for a particular game, but I decided to pitch the other girl in order to avoid perceptions. That was not fair to my DD. That was my problem, not her problem. With the help of several posters on this site, I have been able to work beyond my own fear, and I believe it has made me a better coach (I guess that can be debated...).
The 2013 season was very difficult for my DD. She had left a team that she was very happy with and joined another team. Without getting into details, I will just say that it was a mistake and she had a miserable summer. Fast forward to 2014... We received our schedule for a tournament and noticed that her previous team (2013 team) was on our schedule for pool play. She immediately said "I want to pitch". Instead of making that decision on my own, I asked her to approach the other coaches to make that request. After our final practice before the tournament, she asked to speak privately with the coaching staff. She explained the situation and stated that she was ready for the challenge. Even though I knew she could handle the situation, I was a nervous wreck until game time. The nerves quickly dissipated as I could tell from the first pitch that she was completely focused and less nervous than me. The result = a 1 hitter!! Ultimately it was my proudest sports moment of her. Not because of the result, but because of how she handled herself during the week in practice and the meeting with the coaches, up to pre-game warmups and even throughout the game.
At that moment I realized that she was ready to face this journey on her own terms. I am still there to support her every step of the way, but she is the boss!!
When DD first started her softball career, she was a mere 7 years old. At that point in time, she was very reliant on me as a parent and a coach. Looking back on those years, I have learned that due to my fear of being labeled a "daddy ball coach", I mistreated her. There were several times when in my heart I knew that she was the better pitcher and the one I needed in the circle for a particular game, but I decided to pitch the other girl in order to avoid perceptions. That was not fair to my DD. That was my problem, not her problem. With the help of several posters on this site, I have been able to work beyond my own fear, and I believe it has made me a better coach (I guess that can be debated...).
The 2013 season was very difficult for my DD. She had left a team that she was very happy with and joined another team. Without getting into details, I will just say that it was a mistake and she had a miserable summer. Fast forward to 2014... We received our schedule for a tournament and noticed that her previous team (2013 team) was on our schedule for pool play. She immediately said "I want to pitch". Instead of making that decision on my own, I asked her to approach the other coaches to make that request. After our final practice before the tournament, she asked to speak privately with the coaching staff. She explained the situation and stated that she was ready for the challenge. Even though I knew she could handle the situation, I was a nervous wreck until game time. The nerves quickly dissipated as I could tell from the first pitch that she was completely focused and less nervous than me. The result = a 1 hitter!! Ultimately it was my proudest sports moment of her. Not because of the result, but because of how she handled herself during the week in practice and the meeting with the coaches, up to pre-game warmups and even throughout the game.
At that moment I realized that she was ready to face this journey on her own terms. I am still there to support her every step of the way, but she is the boss!!
How do you tell?
We all love our DDs and wish them success. We all are competitive and passionate about the game, but:
Are you following DD's plans and passions, or is she following yours?
Do you have your own interests and accomplishments, or are your personal feelings of self-worth dependent on your DD's success?
We all love our DDs and wish them success. We all are competitive and passionate about the game, but:
Are you following DD's plans and passions, or is she following yours?
Do you have your own interests and accomplishments, or are your personal feelings of self-worth dependent on your DD's success?
- Feb 12, 2014
- 244
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WOW - this small statement hit me !
- Jan 3, 2014
- 336
- 18
Me too. My eyes got a little wet the instant I read it. Parenthood is such a blessing, I decided a few years ago to redirect my focus as a man to enjoying things with my kids a lot more, being a better father. My life is much richer because of it. I realize the things I "gave up" were far less important than the things I've gained. It's a work in progress though; one day at a time.
I think there is a huge difference between living vicariously through your kids (as you describe) and having your self worth dictated by your children. That's when I see a problem, when a parent gets embarrassed by how his/her child plays. Those who rant and rave when JR is on the bench and that hurts the parent's feelings. When a dad gets mad and yells at his kid for swinging at a bad pitch or making an error. Its as if the kid not being a superstar affects how he/she is perceived.
My dd is a great kid with a ton of accomplishments, I am proud of her for a multitude of reasons. I brag on her on here because its mostly anonymous and I can get away with it without feeling like a schmuck. But what she does, does not make me a better person. I never understand when people congratulate me for what she has done, I don't get it. I say thank you but I usually make sure to point out that she is the one who deserves congratulations.
Be proud, be supportive and be happy. Don't think for a minute that your dd makes you any better or worse. Your reactions to what she does however do define you.
My dd is a great kid with a ton of accomplishments, I am proud of her for a multitude of reasons. I brag on her on here because its mostly anonymous and I can get away with it without feeling like a schmuck. But what she does, does not make me a better person. I never understand when people congratulate me for what she has done, I don't get it. I say thank you but I usually make sure to point out that she is the one who deserves congratulations.
Be proud, be supportive and be happy. Don't think for a minute that your dd makes you any better or worse. Your reactions to what she does however do define you.
I swear you just wrote about me there. That is a huge problem I faced. I have really backed off being as a coach when I realized I was a lot harder on her than the rest and I wasn't fair to her. With that said, sometimes no matter what you do, parents will still think you are favoring your own DD over the rest.
My daughter is now a first year 14U. We were at a fall tourney and they had 8U teams warming up beside us. I just couldn't get over how small they were and looked at my team and some of the players I have had for the last 5 years and was like...OMG...where did it go. I miss 8U softball and when it is all over, I would do it again. My avatar is of my DD when she was 8U looking up at me talking to her about her at bat. That picture is one of my favorites as it shows just how much they pay attention soak it in at that age. (I better stop typing about that, it's dusty in this room and my eyes are starting to water)
I think we all live for the best of our kids no matter what and we share the joy and the sadness they experience whether it is on the field or in life. When my DD got cut from Cheerleading...I felt horrible, I was just as upset and I didn't know what to do.
So we all feel when our kids feel.
Good points. And a corollary is that our daughters are not any better or worse for being good softball players. They are not their batting averages and ERA's.
chrispots - I appreciate your response. As a coach, it's different, though. As a coach (which I no longer am), I wanted the best for every kid on the team because I picked them, and they picked me. Maybe I should go back to coaching.
The president of our organization is coming back through for a 2nd time! Get on your horse and giddy up! You have FAR too much to share to keep it to yourself!
I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...just remember how very rewarding the whole experience is...even if it's just an 8U rec team
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