Dealing with gay/bi players

[whiporee]

It’s not a problem until you make it one. There is as much chance of players leaving because they have a falling out with a BFF than if a relationship fails. Whether a player is gay should have zero impact on if that coach offers the player a spot on the team. And if it does that’s a coach I wouldn’t want my kid playing for

No one suggested discrimination or keeping gay kids off a team. I’m mostly wondering about policies and rules, and if that’s something coaches ought to consider. I've always considered team sports a place where kids could get away from romance and romantic expectations/pressure. Kids today have different views on sexuality and gender ID, and it makes the dynamics of things like sports teams different than it used to be.

And I think it’s wrong to think that a romantic breakup is no worse than a BFF one or an argument over a boy. Teenage romances, no matter the gender, can be devastating, and force a team into choosing sides.

 

[_MIA_]

I’m mostly wondering about policies and rules, and if that’s something coaches ought to consider.

And I think it’s wrong to think that a romantic breakup is no worse than a BFF one or an argument over a boy. Teenage romances, no matter the gender, can be devastating, and force a team into choosing sides.

Sounds like you already had an opinion formed, which is ok of course. If so, and the coach's opinion isn't aligned with yours , then treat it like you would any other situation where a rule is implemented (or not in this case) which you do not agree with

 

[whiporee]

Actually, I don’t at all. the subject only came up because my DD was talking to her best friend (Who is gay or asexual) about it on a drive home, and that they were getting tired of the two who were a couple only doing couple-ly things all the time, especially at team bonding. And it got me wondering about the nuances of the situation and if anyone had dealt with it before. To me, at least, it’s pretty complexed and something fairly new. Thought it could be an interesting topic.

As for our coach, this is the first time she’s had to deal with it because it’s just now the girls are getting to a potentially sexually active age. She doesn’t want to limit anyone’s version of themself, but she also remembers herself at that age and all the confusion that came with it. And she worries that because she’s both gay and a role model —and a person of authority — that she might be helping to Inadvertently nudge girls in a direction that she knows can be very hard. So I thought I’d see if anyone had advice I could share with her.

i have let my daughter know what her mother and I consider appropriate behavior, and I’ve let her know I trust her judgement. But other people’s viewpoints can often inform my own, and just thought I’d toss it out.

 

[Quasimodo]

Hi. I'm starting to feel a bit like a drama queen on this board, but this is a subject that's recently come up on my daughter's club team and I wondered how other people dealt with it. I'm going to preface this by saying I don't care about someone's orientation. And also that my DD is not gay or bi (or if she is, she's not told me that and I think she'd be open with me about it).

We're on a second year 16U team. Most of the girls drive. On a club team of 12, we have three players who are openly gay around the team (I don't know what, if anything, they've told their parents). A few times last year, they asked other girls on the team out on dates. One of them is now dating a teammate who calls herself bisexual, but they have been dating for a month or so. And that's all fine, except I know about their relationship (they aren't shy about PDA around me) and I don't know whether their parents do. But I do wonder about team dynamics when there's a romantic relationship. Our coach is out and married, so it's not like there's a stigma on the team about it, but it seems like it's all pretty new territory. But how do you protect against team damage from breakups and things like that? Or is it just another version of the friendship that girls and teammates have, where fights happen and they are just dealt with.

And then when you get to travel in teh spring, it opens up a lot of doors. I'm not suggesting that gay teenagers are any more predatory that hetero teenagers, but they are still teenagers and I don't know if they are any less predatory.. Are sleepovers all right? late night swims at the hotel pool followed by late-night hangouts in someone else's room? I wouldn't let my DD do that with boys, but is it all right to allow it with gay girls? My daughter responds to these kinds of questions like you'd expect a 16-year-old girl to respond to them -- saying I'm over reacting and being homophobic and no one is hitting on her and I'm sure that's true, but I feel like a parent ought to at least advise some restraint of their child's behavior.

I know that for years, softball has been joked about as a gateway into the gay community (really any women's sport, I guess. Which sucks but that's a different topic). A decade ago, it's not an issue. Everyone stayed closeted. But that's not the case with young people today, and while it's good that people are being open, I still think it's a topic coaches ought to address. How do they see romantic relationships on their team? Are they banned? Discouraged? Ignored? Has anyone had any experience with this kind of thing?

All sexuality should be left off of a team. Rules should be no personal relationships period among the teammates. If they do, it can become disastrous. I coached a team of 13 once where only 2 girls were not gay. They switched beds like a chess board. By 2/3 of the season's end, the team fell apart mentally, emotionally, and performance wise. A few girls left. Instead of the 2nd best team in the State, we were nothing! Now this was in the day before softball became an acceptable game for "girls". I also don't care about orientation. I coach a lot of gay girls here in the Philippines. Probably 1/2! But there are rules. No dating on the team period! No displays or sexual orientation through flirting, etc.

I would never reject a player for being gay. I would never treat a player different for being gay. The difference is, boys are not on the team. I have had drama at the University over "bad" boys dating our players and creating drama with drugs and even violence. The team comes together to support them. In the same sex relationship ON THE TEAM it is drama that effects everyone, not just an individual.

 

[radness]

No one suggested discrimination or keeping gay kids off a team. I’m mostly wondering about policies and rules, and if that’s something coaches ought to consider. I've always considered team sports a place where kids could get away from romance and romantic expectations/pressure. Kids today have different views on sexuality and gender ID, and it makes the dynamics of things like sports teams different than it used to be.

And I think it’s wrong to think that a romantic breakup is no worse than a BFF one or an argument over a boy. Teenage romances, no matter the gender, can be devastating, and force a team into choosing sides.

To comment towards a couple things in whiporee original post...



Also going to add sounds like you are a little naive or unaware of the presence of gays in your daily life that have been in our community the entire time of our community. Including going to school together and growing up in the same classrooms.
In compairison~
There are tons more heterosexual players on teams that those drama episodes far eclipse lesbian topics on teams.
Probably you cant imagine being the only lesbian, or 1 of say 3 lesbians, on a team listening to
( and having to 'deal with')
the tons of heterosexual chitter chatter and junk brought into the duggout and out onto the field for decades!!!.

If there is a conversation to be had...shouldnt it have started years ago,
( while the closet door was still shut...as previously commented)
Because the hetero's were drama'bombing it up ? !!!!!!!!
Shouldnt this 'deal with it' have started previously?!!!

To further some 'different perspectives'

Isnt anger an emotion?
That has a negative effect towards eachother?
How about Jealousy?
Manipulation?
Liars?
Backstabbing?
Mean people?
Along with other assortment of playing issues like
Players who get treated differently by coaches?

I would much rather have anyone as a teammate who enjoy's and cares for eachother.
Than the petty indifferences of negative emotions and actions crudding up the dynamic on a team, workplace & life!

 

[OsDad]

It's always strange to me that people seem to operate under the impression that homosexual people are just out on the prowl to get in bed with everyone of the same gender that they can get their hands on.

 

[BradyC87]

Are boyfriends allowed to attend practice, tournaments, or games and be in the dugout? No? Then any inter-teammate relationships should be kept out of team activities also. Don't care if you're gay, straight, or want to marry a tree, the players are there to play a sport and that is it.

 

[whiporee]

It's always strange to me that people seem to operate under the impression that homosexual people are just out on the prowl to get in bed with everyone of the same gender that they can get their hands on.

I think it’s kind of strange that people expect teenagers not to be teenagers BECAUSE they are gay. Teenagers are horny, they’re curious, they are often shortsighted and reckless when it comes to sex. Being gay doesn’t change that.

Also going to add sounds like you are a little naive or unaware of the presence of gays in your daily life that have been in our community the entire time of our community.
In compairison~
There are tons more heterosexual players on teams that those drama episodes far eclipse lesbian topics on teams.
Probably you cant imagine being the only lesbian, or 1 of say 3 lesbians, on a team listening to
( and having to 'deal with')
the tons of heterosexual chitter chatter and junk brought into the duggout and out onto the field for decades!!!.

I’m not suggesting that. I am asking about team dynamics. i told DD about a former teammate who might guest for her team at a Halloween tourney and she cringed. When I asked why she said it was because this girl hit on everybody on the team last year. theres nothing wrong with it, but made people uncomfortable. That’s different from having to listen to gossip.

 

[_MIA_]

I’m not suggesting that. I am asking about team dynamics. i told DD about a former teammate who might guest for her team at a Halloween tourney and she cringed. When I asked why she said it was because this girl hit on everybody on the team last year. theres nothing wrong with it, but made people uncomfortable. That’s different from having to listen to gossip.

No different than bringing in a kid who talks about her teammates behind their back..if a player's (known..not predicted..) behavior causes team dynamic problems don't take her to begin with or get rid of her if it develops and cannot be resolved.

 

[OsDad]

I think it’s kind of strange that people expect teenagers not to be teenagers BECAUSE they are gay. Teenagers are horny, they’re curious, they are often shortsighted and reckless when it comes to sex. Being gay doesn’t change that.

Then I assume you don't let your teenager have ANY sleepovers, or ANY swimming parties, or be alone with ANY other teenagers, regardless of gender? After all, teenagers gonna teenage. However, if you don't worry about your teenager experimenting with sex with their (as far as you know) heterosexual friends, since they aren't attracted to one another, why would you worry about them doing it with a homosexual friend? If your DD isn't homosexual or bisexual, she isn't going to be "turned into one"/talked into it by someone else just because THAT teenager is.

If your DD was homosexual, would you not allow her to participate in things with her friends, that the other girls were involved in, just because she's homosexual? How would you feel if she was told she couldn't? If I were in that position, I feel like the implications would be extremely offensive to me.