Bullying issue

[Eric F]

If there is good chance that something with her HS team may jeopardize her college career the decision is simple, quit the HS team and move on. Nothing in HS is worth losing out on a college opportunity.

This ^^^. Stick with travel ball. Maybe return to the HS team for senior year, after the bully has graduated.

 

[WARRIORMIKE]

Now you all got me thinking-DD needs to befriend a mean brawler type who will meet the bully and take care of business.
duct tape rope and a shovel

This would work for sure .....

 

[ShaPac]

What exactly was your daughter doing in the picture with a pixie stick? If she was "pretending" to snort drugs, it would be important to discuss with her about how things can easily be misconstrued in pictures / social media. There's a lesson here for all of our daughters. Even if you're trying to be funny, it can be easy for pictures or words to be manipulated into something that can be detrimental to their reputation and possibly their future.

That said, I feel for your daughter's situation and wish her the best of luck this season. Hope everything works out.

oh of course she was pretending to snort it!
Unfortunately the snapchat (worse invention of all time) video had other girls doing it with a caption stating that it was a pixie stick dare. This was all cut out of it though so that my DD looked like she was alone doing it without an explanation. Doesn't excuse the joke (we don't raise our children to do something so tasteless trust me) but still...since when can you be a teenager and not do something dumb like that?

In a way it was a blessing because it showed her how dangerous social media is..because even though I have told her 90873094 times NOT to post things on the internet nothing teaches you like something like this. She has since deleted twitter, Facebook. still has an instagram (which I follow) and limited friends on snapchat.

I do feel bad for her though as it has caused her an immense amount of anxiety. She feels as though no one is trustworthy. We put her in therapy over the summer which did help but it's hard to watch my friendly and outgoing daughter become so introverted.

Thanks for the support here though. It's nice to vent and I'll have to let you know how my meeting goes. Karma is a real thing right?

 

[LostinNJ]

ShaPac - it's an unfortunate but a valuable lesson to learn in the long run re: who can be trusted to have your back when it counts. Social media is out of control. I asked DD to make her Instagram profile private since she was posting pictures of her teammates and the organization was easily identifiable via their uniforms. We also blocked a couple of hundred users who she didn't actually know in person. I'd rather her have a small number of "followers" than to make her life accessible to anyone on the planet with an Instagram account. I also follow her. Life isn't a popularity contest.

 

[Eric F]

ShaPac - it's an unfortunate but a valuable lesson to learn in the long run re: who can be trusted to have your back when it counts. Social media is out of control. I asked DD to make her Instagram profile private since she was posting pictures of her teammates and the organization was easily identifiable via their uniforms. We also blocked a couple of hundred users who she didn't actually know in person. I'd rather her have a small number of "followers" than to make her life accessible to anyone on the planet with an Instagram account. I also follow her. Life isn't a popularity contest.

This past Sunday, after our team practice (12U TB), I spent a little while talking to the team about social media, how it can affect college opportunities. I asked them all to apply the "Grandma Policy" to anything they post. If it's not something they would be proud to show their Grandma, DON'T POST IT!!!

 

[CMMom1740]

ShaPac - it's an unfortunate but a valuable lesson to learn in the long run re: who can be trusted to have your back when it counts. Social media is out of control. I asked DD to make her Instagram profile private since she was posting pictures of her teammates and the organization was easily identifiable via their uniforms. We also blocked a couple of hundred users who she didn't actually know in person. I'd rather her have a small number of "followers" than to make her life accessible to anyone on the planet with an Instagram account. I also follow her. Life isn't a popularity contest.

I do the same, but kids are sneaky. Do you know that many (if not most) have two Instagram accounts? Their "main" and their "spam?" They usually seem to use their real names for the "main" account and are more selective about what they post there, but use cheeky/edgy/funny names for their "spam" account and post a lot more and a lot "looser" on the "spam." Most parents probably think everything's fine since they're following the main account, but you need to inquire about a spam account b/c your child may be deliberately hiding it. Source: Mom of a 13-year old social media expert and also Child/Adolescent therapist who has seen it all.

ETA: I've had roughly 6732 conversations with my DD about social media and who can see it. She still labors under the delusion that people won't find her spam account b/c it's not her name as the username. I know about the account and watch it daily. She may even have a third account for all I know.

 

[Eric F]

...kids are sneaky.

Truth!

ETA: I've had roughly 6732 conversations with my DD about social media and who can see it. She still labors under the delusion that people won't find her spam account b/c it's not her name as the username. I know about the account and watch it daily. She may even have a third account for all I know.

I had the same conversations with my older DD (now 18yo), at least that many times. She didn't listen to me one bit. Some of the stuff she has posted - and continues to post - may bite her right in the @$$ when it's time for her to start pursuing her intended career path.

 

[Cannonball]

I can't speak for any other coach/school/state but I can speak for where I teach. We are now mandated to have training on bullying. We are also required to step up and take some action. IMO, this has to been taken to the administration of that school, and, again, I'd have a lawyer with me when I did it. Listen, bullying is not as simple as what it was "back in the day." It now has flight with social media. It can follow a person for their life. Some, like me, tend to get the testosterone up and would not be gracious. That isn't the solution. The solution is to let those WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER take care of it.

Ok, I was almost going to hit reply but then, had that surge of testosterone and so, I'd be damned if I let someone else dictate to me or my child what activity they can do in safety. Ok so please forgive me for that.

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

I'm late to this party - but as a former teen girl (back when we rode around on dinosaurs), I can confirm that stupidity and being "in the moment" were the motto. There are several states in which, had smartphones existed back then, I would not only never be able to run for office but would also probably have had to leave and not return. (Thanks for the memories, Big Easy!)

Anyway - we all tell our dd's the grandma rule. We all harp on them about the evils of social media. Yet, they still succumb because it's an engrained part of their lives that we just can't understand at their level.

What frustrates me here is that the school took something precious (last week and banquet) away from your dd that she can't get back. So, the bullies won.

Therefore, the arguments for letting the girls work it out, kiss and make up, or trusting the coach to separate them won't ever work because it hasn't been fair up to this point and it won't ever be.

Personally, I would never try to even persuade my child to work things out with a jerk family like that. If someone did me dirty as an adult, you can bet I'd practice some serious CYA and see what my legal options are - as well as making sure I don't allow anyone to be coming at me again like that. This family sounds crazy, so keeping your distance but also making sure they get a clear, "WRONG FAMILY TO MESS WITH" message seems important.

Hmmmm. I think maybe I just agreed with WM but in a really long-winded, MAMBM way.

These girls shouldn't ever be pushed to "resolve" it, because that involves compromise and bullies eat that stuff up.

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[MacLobo]

The more I think about this, the more I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with the coach!

This is her team, and regardless of her age or experience, she needs to set a tone with her team.

#1 - everyone on the team is equal. From 4-year senior starter, to freshman back-up
#2 - there will be no bullying, harassing, etc.
#3 - the team votes on the captain, OR, there is no captain. There was no captain on my HS baseball team, and we were a state championship team...
#4 - effort, attitude, and production equally determine playing time - not just seniority

If the bully's mom has an issue with it, then she can take her kid off the team. The policies above benefit everyone except for the bully.
Let the coach know that if thing continue as they currently are, and it stays as an unsafe environment for your daughter and other players, that you will not be playing, and that you know several other parents that share your same viewpoint!

It's time for the coach to stand-up and take accountability for her team!

Also, does the team have a formal parent volunteer group? If I remember correctly, most HS teams I've been associated with in the past have these, with presidents, treasurers, etc. Go to the next meeting and bring this issue up! If things are as bad as they sound, I guarantee that you're not the only one with concerns. If there's any sort of consensus among the group, have the president talk with the coach as well.