Helping a heartbroken daughter

flash277 said:

My wife was the only one who wanted to get our kids school rings, Son didn't want it, never wore it, DD didn't want it, doesn't wear it, I didn't want them, but wifey always win, and they got their rings. At least DD's has a softball on it!

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Same here.
Its a racket, and im sure the school gets a kickback.

Because they stage the" ring ceremony" at my kids schools, you wouldn't want your poor baby to be left out would you?

Werent no ceremony in my HS. They just delivered them.
All pot metal and plastic. The rednecks got a confederate flag under their see-thru plastic colored "stone" That was actually most people.

Very sorry to hear what happened to your DD.
Reading your post it absolutely seems like she was treated unfairly. And the peer pressure that happens at HS is real and difficult to deal with.
As a dad of an undersized and underestimated DD I can't begin to tell you how many times I've said to DD "Everything that happens to you is an opportunity to learn and grow". I hear those words often when a set back occurs. The hard part is to embrace this principle. If took DD years to fully understand and still today I can sometimes see a glimmer of self doubt but only on rare occasions.
I wanted to share a quick video from one of my favorite authors Joshua Medcalf. He has published several books on growth and development of athletes including my favorite "Chop Wood Carry Water". I credit this book with helping DD reach goals and when falling short, understanding why and how to rebound. Good luck to your DD. She will soar!

Quick update From the first games of the year.

Varsity team got no-hit, but only lost 1-0. DD pitched all right (4 K, 1BB, 4 hits, 4ER in 3 IP, including two that slid over the CF fence, which I was now told is 180 feet, was the only one whose pop fly didn’t drop out of her glove), but seven errors behind her made it a blowout. Varsity coach was nice to her afterwards and said she did good. Former JV head coach who found out she was demoted at game time promised to get her a real catcher and that the defense would get better.

The other parent who is in my situation is livid, even more than me. The parents of the girls who got moved up came over and asked “how is she?” which made me want to punch them. My wife probably won’t go another game.

But DD is fine. Disappointed in her performance, but glad to be playing. So I guess it’s all working out. Thanks for the kind words and support, everyone.

Remember how I said it was working out? Not so much.

They've had two games since the first one (JV looks like they are going to have a total of six games this season). DD hasn't pitched in either of them, the new JV coach deciding to throw a couple of freshmen who look like they might cross 35 on a good day. DD has been practicing with both teams, putting in about four hours of work a day. Last week, during cut off drills, the varsity head coach unloaded on her for 10 minutes, telling her "you can't learn" and "this is why you'll never make varsity," "and "You're just not good enough. That's the cold hard truth, "screaming these things in her face in front of the whole team. DD didn't say anything about it, but finally told me after I heard her sobbing while doing her homework.

I was trying to downplay it,. but DW heard us talking and took it much differently. She called the coach, who did not return her calls. She called the replacement JV coach, who said there was some "intense coaching" for my DD and five other girls about their effort, and then refused to say anything else and hung up. Thinking it might be being overplayed, I asked a few other parents if I could talk to their daughters, and they told me that their daughters had told them how the coach had unloaded on my DD at practice. It had been significant enough that their daughters had told them about it without prompting. But they also refused to let me talk to the girls, saying they didn't want them to get in trouble for saying anything.

My wife went to the varsity game that night to talk to the coach and ran into the AD. She told him about it. He told her she needed to talk to the coach first. She tried to talk to the coach, but she couldn't get her alone. So finally the head coach called us at home that night, and she refused to talk about it on the phone, saying that it needed to be in person with the AD. So the next day DW, the coach, the new JV coach and the AD had a meeting, where the head coach and JV coach denied anything had happened. Said she barely raised her voice. (the old JV coach wasn't invited to the meeting, albeit she had not seen the incident). She said my DD asked to attend the varsity practices, that it was all optional and she never told DD she had any chance of playing varsity this year. (the old JV coach who was at those meetings say that is absolutely not what she said). That she had planned for her to play first this year, but DD spent all summer pitching and didn't work on that. (never told DD that at the end of last year, though). That she loves DD, and is always here to help with anything (when DD asked for help after the teams were announced, the HC said "get better.")

She then had a meeting with the old JV coach where she reiterated what she had told my wife. When the old JV coach disagreed, she for all intents and purposes fired her.

So here's my current problem. I don't like my DD getting screamed at and humiliated in front of her peers, but I can live with that. That's the way sports goes sometimes, and I've been around enough high school coaches to know how they can sometimes be. But I can't deal with an authority figure telling her that something bad that happened to her didn't actually happen. That's a bad pattern to set for teenage girls because it refutes their experience, and tells them that they must have been overreacting, that they just have to take abuse because the other person can just lie about it. That's not okay. It's how girls learn to justify abuse. It's flat out wrong.

I could deal with the idea that a coach who apologized or explained or even owned up to their actions. But to just lie about it? And then got another adult -- a teacher for God sake -- to also lie about it? Remember, I had other parents tell me they daughters told them about this event. One of them told me their DD told them how proud they were of my DD for not crying while it was going on. I feel very confident it happened. And the coach says she barely raised her voice.

So that's where I am right now, trying to figure out what to do next. I'm disappointed in the people I thought were friends being more interested in protecting their daughter's status than standing up for what's right (or even being willing to tell the truth), but I'm also sure the coach is rallying her forces to make sure her narrative is the only one told if it goes farther. I'm devastated for my DD who now knows she'll never get to play varsity and won't letter this year despite lettering last year, and she probably won't get to as a senior. DD wishes we had just never said anything, and part of me does, too/ But I also see DW's point -- things like you can't learn go beyond the crux of coaching. Humiliation goes beyond the crux of coaching. And then when you add in the lying -- the old saying that the only thing evil needs is for good people to do nothing may seem extreme, but if we didn't say anything where would it stop?

To quote Crash Davis, f this f-ing game.

Not my personally but I would walk away. Does not seem like you can do anything to make the situation better.

Asked DD to leave a Team she said no so I understand a little bit anyways.

Let it go, you went as far as you can with it. And don't bring other girls into it, if this coach is a tyrant, she will punish them for siding with you.

ask the coach to go for a drink . . . get them a molotov cocktail (jk)

seriously, i would pull my daughter yesterday, and put in writing to the AD and the superintendent and the school board why. explain that several other witnesses confirmed your DDs version privately, but were afraid to come forward for fear of retribution. copies of all letters to local papers as well. these miscreants must be exposed to bright sunlight so they wither like the scum they are. explain to all those parties above that this coach has obviously let power go to their head, and creating a culture of fear and intimidation.

see if you have any recourse to switch schools as well. if you can document a case of a hostile learning environment, you might be able to with no penalty. because if they do nothing, this goes beyond one coach, and is a toxic culture throughout.

bmakj said:

ask the coach to go for a drink . . . get them a molotov cocktail (jk)

seriously, i would pull my daughter yesterday, and put in writing to the AD and the superintendent and the school board why. explain that several other witnesses confirmed your DDs version privately, but were afraid to come forward for fear of retribution. copies of all letters to local papers as well. these miscreants must be exposed to bright sunlight so they wither like the scum they are. explain to all those parties above that this coach has obviously let power go to their head, and creating a culture of fear and intimidation.

see if you have any recourse to switch schools as well. if you can document a case of a hostile learning environment, you might be able to with no penalty. because if they do nothing, this goes beyond one coach, and is a toxic culture throughout.

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This cat is really blowing this out of proportion. Get the superintendent and school board involved for a coach telling at your daughter? This would just label you and DW "problem parents". In the district. And switch schools over this?

Varsity is a year away. Hammer away at travel ball, and make it so next year the coach cannot ignore your DD.....Although if you keep pushing it, that is exactly what will happen, if it hasn't happened already. The coach may look at your DD next year and say " ah I screwed that kid last year, she's better now so I'll give her a chance" or she may say" screw that kid again, her parents keep breaking my chops"......

What does your DD want to do? How does your DD want you to be involved with any further actions? What are the possible repercussions of taking action to cut down the HC, and how will that affect your DD? I don't need to know the answers to these questions, but you should.

flash277 said:

This cat is really blowing this out of proportion. Get the superintendent and school board involved for a coach telling at your daughter? This would just label you and DW "problem parents". In the district. And switch schools over this?

Varsity is a year away. Hammer away at travel ball, and make it so next year the coach cannot ignore your DD.....Although if you keep pushing it, that is exactly what will happen, if it hasn't happened already. The coach may look at your DD next year and say " ah I screwed that kid last year, she's better now so I'll give her a chance" or she may say" screw that kid again, her parents keep breaking my chops"......

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why would you jump through hoops to play for such a terrible person? Go bust your butt for 11 months just to make it so the coach can't ignore you? To hell with that. Don't give that coach the benefit of having a good player on the team. Quit the damn team and tell them to get a life. Life's too short to bend over backwards for a condescending jerk coach. Tell her to stick it, don't enable her further by allowing her actions to be unpunished. I applaud him for taking a stand against the bully coach.