Helping a heartbroken daughter

[Tatonka]

I'm sorry that your DD (and your family) is going through this. I met your DW the night after this happened as she was waiting to talk with the coach and honestly felt horrible for her in that moment as I knew exactly what she was about to face. Most other parents and coaches just don't have the balls to face up to these asshat coaches and will lie and deny even when pressured under oath. They view this limited opportunity to play HS so important they will put up with just about anything. Sadly, I have first hand experience watching this type of shirt show unfold and I'm still extremely pissed and bitter about.

For clarification purposes - my DD's do not attend the school that the OP is speaking of but they are direct rivals and I know many of the parents, athletes and this coach in question. If I wasn't under a gag order I would love to share what we endured with our HS program over the past 4 years as a result of a POS coach who thought she could say and do anything without consequences.

As hard as it may be....run, don't walk from this situation. There are better things to do with your time, better life lessons and role models to learn from. I wish you and your family all the best! You know how to reach me if you ever want to talk further. Good luck, stay strong and be tough!!

 

[flash277]

Well

why would you jump through hoops to play for such a terrible person? Go bust your butt for 11 months just to make it so the coach can't ignore you? To hell with that. Don't give that coach the benefit of having a good player on the team. Quit the damn team and tell them to get a life. Life's too short to bend over backwards for a condescending jerk coach. Tell her to stick it, don't enable her further by allowing her actions to be unpunished. I applaud him for taking a stand against the bully coach.

well, I was looking at it from the viewpoint of DD wanting to play school ball. If she doesn’t want to play, then I agree with you.

 

[Tatonka]

This cat is really blowing this out of proportion. Get the superintendent and school board involved for a coach telling at your daughter? This would just label you and DW "problem parents". In the district. And switch schools over this?

Varsity is a year away. Hammer away at travel ball, and make it so next year the coach cannot ignore your DD.....Although if you keep pushing it, that is exactly what will happen, if it hasn't happened already. The coach may look at your DD next year and say " ah I screwed that kid last year, she's better now so I'll give her a chance" or she may say" screw that kid again, her parents keep breaking my chops"......

Wrong. Some coaches just should NOT be allowed to be around kids. If everyone continues to ignore these situations then the evidence of abuse, harassment, bullying, etc., are so obviously on full display then this treatment of our kids will also continue. Tell the kid to stand up for themselves and then watch as they suffer the vicious, retaliatory treatment...no thanks. Some HS coaches are awesome people and we'd all be glad to have them involved in our kids development both in their chosen sport as well as with life's lessons. But the way some coaches treat these kids would never be allowed in a classroom or in a home...that aspect needs to stop!

 

[bmakj]

This cat is really blowing this out of proportion. Get the superintendent and school board involved for a coach telling at your daughter? This would just label you and DW "problem parents". In the district. And switch schools over this?

Varsity is a year away. Hammer away at travel ball, and make it so next year the coach cannot ignore your DD.....Although if you keep pushing it, that is exactly what will happen, if it hasn't happened already. The coach may look at your DD next year and say " ah I screwed that kid last year, she's better now so I'll give her a chance" or she may say" screw that kid again, her parents keep breaking my chops"......

" varsity head coach unloaded on her for 10 minutes, telling her "you can't learn" " this to me BY ITSELF is fireable on the spot for anybody in education, especially when they try and cover it up and intimidate others into lying for them. telling someone you want improvement is one thing, or they are currently not varsity material is one thing.. this treatment to be is abusive, 100%, no doubt, and unacceptable from an educator. this is from someone in authority in an organization that is supposed to prepare our children for the future first and foremost.

your comments are why people like this are allowed to fester within public service organizations, dont make waves, dont cause issues. BULLSHIT! this type of person needs to be EXPOSED, harsh public scrutiny is the best way to rid ourselves of them.

 

[quincy]

Good luck with that.

DD was told she was not allowed to attend school because of the medication she was on, let alone softball . DW is a nurse turned it over to me.

I went through the channels which took weeks.

School nurse is arguing with one of the best nuraligist in the country, I gave nurse all DD's medical information hoping they would leave DD alone.

She is still there.

 

[joe720]

Sorry to hear it, seems like a bad situation. Personally i'd remove my daughter and wouldn't let her play school ball. It's pretty much a joke in my area anyway.

Our school ball coach is pretty bad. Just there for the check. Crushed pretty much every team we played by 10+ runs and she played the same 9 kids every single inning. Had 6 girls sit on the bench EVERY game for the season. My DD was not one of them but i was horrified by it and almost yanked my DD in the middle of a game to force her to play the other kids.

Moral of the story you can pick you friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family or your school ball coach.

 

[BobInMadison]

To the OP:

Your DD will encounter abusive people in her life.

What lesson do you want her to learn?

A. If you are being abused it is your fault and if you just try harder not to make them mad it will all be okay.

or

B. If you are being abused, run!

 

[whiporee]

I think I'd rather her learn that if she's being abused, to be willing to take a stand than either of those options.

And that the people in her life who care about her will have her back.

And that her parents always have her best interests at heart, even if we sometimes make it worse. Because standing up is important, even when it seems like it's not.

 

[BradyC87]

This cat is really blowing this out of proportion. Get the superintendent and school board involved for a coach telling at your daughter? This would just label you and DW "problem parents". In the district. And switch schools over this?

Varsity is a year away. Hammer away at travel ball, and make it so next year the coach cannot ignore your DD.....Although if you keep pushing it, that is exactly what will happen, if it hasn't happened already. The coach may look at your DD next year and say " ah I screwed that kid last year, she's better now so I'll give her a chance" or she may say" screw that kid again, her parents keep breaking my chops"......

This is ridiculously wrong. Your viewpoint on the whole situation is why coaches like this are allowed to stay in this sport or any sport. You do not treat players like this at any level and especially not in front of the whole team.

 

[whiporee]

Here's the last update, because DD finishes her season tonight.

She went to every varsity practice this season and never got called up. Everyone in the same position as she was in was -- sometimes multiple times -- but she was not. She was put in a rotation with two freshmen girls for the season, even having one a 1/3 inning relief appearance in a game they were losing 8-0 count as one of her appearances. In all, she pitched two regular season games against teams that brought down their varsity players. Her confidence was shot and she got rocked, but she pitched okay. She won her last game of the season in a JV tourney this weekend. She ended up breaking out of her hitting slump and went 11-13 with three doubles, a triple and a homer in her last three games. For the first time ever, she's delighted that this is the last game of the year.

After we talked to the AD and the principal, the county investigated the coach and the program. We'll see how it goes. Even though it was supposed to be anonymous, everyone knows and my daughter has been ostracized, to the point where the JV coach told other two girls who had gone to also gone to varsity practices to sit last Friday's out as to not let my DD know the reason, but the varsity coach "couldn't stand to look at her" once the news leaked last week. Several varsity girls instructed the team to "make sure they stood by (coach)" but I know at least a couple told the truth about the event, and other stories for previous years have arisen. I don't know how much difference it will make. After the last JV practice yesterday, the JV coach told the team that half at least half of them could expect to be cut next year because the varsity coach wanted to free up spaces for her club team girls who'll be freshmen next season. My daughter laughed, but several of them were in tears. The younger girls adore my daughter -- which is neat -- and she's proud that she's shown them how to be a teammate and a role model. I'm extremely proud of the way she handled this season, more proud of her than I am furious at the adults who were entrusted to help her and instead seemed to delight in tormenting her.

I had hoped that the season would be ending for everyone this week, but it looks like the varsity will slip into the playoffs next weekend. They can't hit, but they've got a stud pitcher so maybe they'll do some damage. I hope not, but the damage to my daughter is done. Something she loves has brought her a lot of pain and self doubt this year.

Fortunately, her club team has a scheduled tourney for Halloween. Maybe that will take a lot of the sting away.

I wish I had a good moral to tell about all this. The best advice I'd give anyone is to suck up to your high school coach if you want to play high school ball, but that's paramount to advising people to pay off county inspectors when they are building a house. I'd also say to be wary of considering other team parents friends; you can be friendly, but at the end of the day they are focused on their daughter and her PT, and not much else. Maybe they'd say the same of me.

We all get caught up in this stuff a lot; I know I've been guilty in letting it be way more important than it has any right to be. So, while I'd never say any of this has been good -- it's been a horrible six weeks -- maybe it's been important. Because it's given me the chance to tell her -- and for her to start to believe -- that other people don't get to define her. That just because someone abuses her, it doesn't mean she deserves abuse. Just because someone doesn't value her doesn't mean she doesn't have value. And if that's the lesson she can carry from all of this, maybe it will ...

No. It sucked.

Thanks to everyone for listening to my various rants. I appreciate it.