Coaching Boundaries

[Momo'sDad]

It doesn't matter ''why'' it crosses a line. The line can't be defined without somebody saying, "OK, but how is that different than that?" Infinite debate. What matters is whether it crosses a line. That line is drawn by the parents on a particular team.

There are many 14u teams that are coached by a dads or moms who have a daughter on the team. Regardless of whether other parents care about a subject, the coach does has a right to act in the interests of their own child, whether a concern is real, perceived, or simply imagined.

Again, I'm a major believer in "her body, her life, her choices", but a parent coach can choose to limit what will be acceptable in their softball environment.

 

[PA SB Dad]

Again, I'm a major believer in "her body, her life, her choices", but a parent coach can choose to limit what will be acceptable in their softball environment.

Hmmm, here's one for you - I know players in the area who are openly gay (I also know of some closeted players). If she tried out for my team, if she is good enough, she makes the team. If not, she doesn't. And she is subject to the same rules regarding boyfriends/girlsfriends at practices and games. However, in some parts of the country, this might be an issue. Should a coach address this with a player if they object? My point is that when you start involving yourself in the private lives of your players (and families), you are potentially shaking a hornet's nest.

 

[Easton33]

It's your team, feel free to address any issue you want with any player. Just be prepared for the different responses you have received here so far. Some parents may appreciate it, some may not. I personally don't believe in blanket no tolerance policies, and I think I exercise good judgement when dealing (or not dealing) with my players. I won't judge your approach to coaching so please don't judge mine.

Not judging anyone's approach at all, not sure what post made it seem that way.

 

[Easton33]

It doesn't matter ''why'' it crosses a line. The ine can't be defined without somebody saying, "OK, but how is that different than that?" Infinite debate. What matters is whether it crosses a line. That line is drawn by the parents on a particular team.

We can assume that parents do want and expect the coach to address behavioral issues. You don't allow players to throw their helmets in the dugout, or have their jerseys not tucked in. You can assume parents will endorse that.

Do you tell players they can't drink soda at tournaments? When you start telling them what to eat and drink, that pushes the envelope a little bit, but parents might go along. Do you have Christian prayer circles? Chances are somebody would prefer that you not, but most will not object too much. Do you discuss a player's weight with her? ''You need to lose 20 pounds because it reflects poorly on our team and affects your performance.'' Now, you're probably going to get some push back. Do you ask a player to leave because she's gay and you believe that's immoral?

We could debate all day about ''why'' something is or is not appropriate, but it all comes back to what your parents are wanting and expecting. The OP isn't sure what his parents expect, so he polled the DFP Forum to help him predict their response. Better yet, he could poll his own parents. They are the constituents. And if the coach still believes strongly enough in an unpopular opinion, the coach may take a stand and make his case. But ultimately, the coach answers to the parents. This thread seems to suggest that most parents are not asking for that particular intervention. For any particular team, the answer might be different.

What is the reasoning behind having players tuck their shirt in? Appearance, correct? If it is ok to regulate the outward Appearance of some thing then is it should be ok to regulate on other things.

I think that our differences on this issue all start with perception. Last paragraph you say the coach answers to the parents, I do not subscribe to this. The players answer to the coach, and the parents get to decide if they want their dd on the team or not. On the team means that they are subject to a coaches rules. Like it or not, pull the dd or not, this may just be one of those scenarios where a parent realizes this team is not for them and/or the coach realizes it also.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Why does a coach not want one of his 14U players to sport a hickey? Not saying that I do, but I haven't yet heard what the real concerns are. Some have said they don't like the image that it presents. What image is that? What are your concerns about a 14-year-old player with a hickey?

The players answer to the coach, and the parents get to decide if they want their dd on the team or not. On the team means that they are subject to a coaches rules. Like it or not, pull the dd or not, this may just be one of those scenarios where a parent realizes this team is not for them and/or the coach realizes it also.

My point was simply that a coach must find 12 girls whose parents agree to let their kids play for the coach. Lose the parents, lose the team. Sometimes a coach must take a stand that risks the team. Parents have a right to question me. I hope my response would not be, my way or highway. Main point of previous post was that all teams are different. Morality is local, or something like that.

 

[Momo'sDad]

Hmmm, here's one for you - I know players in the area who are openly gay (I also know of some closeted players). If she tried out for my team, if she is good enough, she makes the team. If not, she doesn't. And she is subject to the same rules regarding boyfriends/girlsfriends at practices and games. However, in some parts of the country, this might be an issue. Should a coach address this with a player if they object? My point is that when you start involving yourself in the private lives of your players (and families), you are potentially shaking a hornet's nest.

I do not disagree with you.

In answer to your question, I'd be disappointed if a coach opted not to select a player because of her sexual orientation (whether known or suspected) because of the facts that 1) it doesn't matter and 2) even if it does matter to someone, it has nothing to do with softball or a person's ability to perform their job. But if a coach does make that choice in the interest of "protecting" his/her daughter from possibly being in the presence of a gay couple - and to be clear, a LOT of people who claim to "have no problem with gays and lesbians" do respond differently when in the presence of same-gender *couples* - then as much as it pains me, I'm fine with them having the right to make that choice.

 

[Momo'sDad]

Attendance at practices would be tricky, not because of the same-gender relationship, but rather because of my personal preference against having boyfriends/girlfriends at practice. I obviously can't tell someone they aren't allowed to visit a public park and of course, we'd hope they would attend the team's games. Having peer support at practice can be a good thing for some players, so that's another factor that would make it difficult for me to say I've got to take a hard line against having them present.

It's my opinion that having a boyfriend/girlfriend attend a practice is more a show of support than statement of "she's my property" or "I belong to him/her". I know there are presumptions in my position that cover only a portion of relationships and certainly do not apply to all, but I'd rather err on what I consider to be the side of caution rather than to open a door I'd rather not have open during games and practices.

I also pretty much fully understand the position of those who feel that's getting out of my lane or wading into a realm that's strictly a family matter. I'm only saying that my family matters, too, even if I'm the only other parent who feels a certain way.

 

[riseball]

Attendance at practices would be tricky, not because of the same-gender relationship, but rather because of my personal preference against having boyfriends/girlfriends at practice. I obviously can't tell someone they aren't allowed to visit a public park and of course, we'd hope they would attend the team's games. Having peer support at practice can be a good thing for some players, so that's another factor that would make it difficult for me to say I've got to take a hard line against having them present.

It's my opinion that having a boyfriend/girlfriend attend a practice is more a show of support than statement of "she's my property" or "I belong to him/her". I know there are presumptions in my position that cover only a portion of relationships and certainly do not apply to all, but I'd rather err on what I consider to be the side of caution rather than to open a door I'd rather not have open during games and practices.

I also pretty much fully understand the position of those who feel that's getting out of my lane or wading into a realm that's strictly a family matter. I'm only saying that my family matters, too, even if I'm the only other parent who feels a certain way.

I always tell my players that I have no problem with a significant other so long as people watching think they are your brother or sister.

 

[Sparky Guy]

Frankly, I don't think a kids' grades are the coaches' business, either. But that's fairly innocuous and not many will take issue with that sort of rule.

They are when you have older girls who are trying to get recruited. If you're a coach who is talking to a college coach about players you need to be sure the players you are pushing their way are strong candidates to remain academically eligible in college. No coach wants to have the reputation of sending players who can't make it at the college level. That's why the coaches trust many of the top name coaches. They've proven their player judgement will workout most of the times.

 

[Sparky Guy]

I didn't read the closed thread. But after reading this one, everyone is making the issue bigger than it is. As a coach if I had a player show up with a "neck bruise" and it was causing issues with the other other girls the solution is simple. The conversation would go something like this.

ME: "Suzy, the mark on you neck needs to be cover up. Please go to the Med Kit and get a bandage large enough to cover it. If you need help get one of your teammates to help."

Suzy: "Yes Coach."

Me: "If it happens again please make sure it's covered before you get to practice."


I am not the moral compass for every player on the team. That job is up to their parents. My job is to run the team. If there is something that I feel as a parent/adult that needs to be addresses I will speak to the parents about it. I will not offer my input unless asked for it by a player.