Introverts, Unite! Separately. In your own homes.

So my 15 yo DD is an introvert. Tough to get to know. Told for the last several years that she has RBF. She kinda does. They say she has a face that says, "I will cut you." When you ask her what she's thinking? She says, "Oh, probably what we're gonna eat later. I was really hungry." When she was first offered a position on a 12u team, the coach looked at her expectantly and she was frozen. He finally broke the silence by saying, "Would you like to smoke a cigarette and think about it?"

DD keeps her mouth shut. Works very hard, and is known for being intense and direct. Sure she smiles and will have a good time - but it's fleeting, especially when there's work to be done. She genuinely hates "team bonding" events that involve games and crafts, and she isn't a joiner.

The last team bonding event, I asked her how it went. "Good, I guess, if by good it means that the same 4 socially awkward girls hung out together being quiet and watching everyone else be fake. Honestly, I'm over it. I know how much smack-talk goes on behind everyone's backs and it's so stupid." I really didn't know how to answer. Finally, she said, "Why do we have to be besties? I mean, throw the ball. Catch the ball. Hit the ball. Do your job. Then you're my bestie. This stuff always makes me feel so awkward."

She's a genuinely nice person in reality. She is extraordinarily loyal to people who have her back - and she does enjoy laughing and cutting up as much as the next teenage girl. She just doesn't do well in groups, and she absolutely shuns attention. So when a girl like that is competing with girls who like the spotlight, are well-spoken, and unafraid to ask for what they want, it is tough to watch. I think coaches believe she has an attitude - which couldn't be further from the truth. She wants to please her coaches more than anything, and she's terrified of letting them or the team down. That's why she freezes when she's put on the spot. She doesn't want to give the wrong answer.

My question, during this fantastic tryout season, is: How often does personality affect a girl's chances on a team, when skillset is equal? Will the girl with the big, "leadership" personality always be chosen over the quiet one?

We've encouraged her to talk, and she's trying. But you can't force someone to be who they aren't, and we want her to be with a team who understands her and appreciates her quiet intensity. Is that unrealistic?

We're thinking she needs one of these:

I have no idea as far as your questions go, just want to say she and I would probably get along very well. I can relate to almost everything you said about her. It's an extrovert's world, that's for sure. It's not easy being introverted; people think you're snobby or stupid or (fill in the blank). I absolutely hate group activities, "team building" of any kind, etc. I turned 40 last year and have decided I'm just going to embrace it. I'm not going to be apologetic about my very nature anymore. Of course I don't know how that type of attitude would affect all the things you're concerned about in the context of a team.

Warriormike, did I post this in the wrong place? Or is that a funny about my introvert?

Don't know the answers, but my DD was 0n the most quiet, most introverted team she's ever been on this summer. They're all business. They're nice, but quiet. Might be a coincidence, but this team had zero interpersonal drama/conflict. In every other team DD has been on, she wishes she was on 'Survivor' and could vote at least 1 person off the team. But current team, all is good.

Good teammates come in all personalities. But if you're going to have a bad teammate, I'd rather she be introverted. Extroverts w/ bad attitudes can do more damage.

Me_and_my_big_mouth said:

Warriormike, did I post this in the wrong place? Or is that a funny about my introvert?

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NO.............




Just talking smack. LOL Calm down

WARRIORMIKE said:

NO.............




Just talking smack. LOL Calm down

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Who ME? CALM DOWN????

"She wants to please her coaches more than anything, and she's terrified of letting them or the team down. "
I'd address this with her if you haven't already because she will actually play worse than her potential if she's uptight trying to please others... If she shows on the field what she can do, the coaches will notice her and she'll be fine at tryouts... DD's coaches thought she was shy for a.couple weeks because she was so quiet, but now her coach says he can't get her to shut up. Point being, she did enough at tryouts despite being really quiet and it all worked out great.

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My daughters are both pretty quiet by nature. Being quiet does not win you any favors in softball, especially at tryouts and on road trips. Being part of the team is a big deal, on and off the field. Coaches want happiness and bonding off the field, and girls who are seen as "loners" are generally not well accepted, at least from my experience.

DD1 has had to make an effort to join in at team breakfasts, parties, etc. Last season she was pretty miserable since the girls who were friends on the field typically hung out a lot off the field, and she was not one of the chosen ones. This year she has made a concerted effort to put herself out there and it has paid off to some extent.

DD2 is very down-to-business on the field and very much a team leader during game time. But she's not everybody's bestie off the field, to the point of being shunned by some of the girls because of her all-business demeanor at games. Her coaches have told her that they appreciate her intensity, but she needs to tone it down a bit if she wants people to follow her example. She's as serious as a heart attack when she steps between the lines.

If your daughter can't find ways to be outgoing and social, my best advice is for her parents to be as social as possible. Even if she's not seen as a "team player", you will be, and coaches love to see harmony on the sidelines as well. Just a thought.

iMlearning said:

"She wants to please her coaches more than anything, and she's terrified of letting them or the team down. "
I'd address this with her if you haven't already because she will actually play worse than her potential of she's uptight trying to please others...

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How would you address it with her?