Introverts, Unite! Separately. In your own homes.

[CoogansBluff]

Being quiet does not win you any favors in softball, especially at tryouts and on road trips. Being part of the team is a big deal, on and off the field. Coaches want happiness and bonding off the field, and girls who are seen as "loners" are generally not well accepted, at least from my experience.

Being quiet doesn't mean you're a loner or that you're unhappy. Not that you said that, but it seems you're lumping all that together. If you don't like your teammates and don't like being around them, then sure, that's problem whether you're quiet or loud. But as long as you get along with everybody and can hang out with your teammates and have basic social skills, I think you can be pretty quiet and be fine.

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

"She wants to please her coaches more than anything, and she's terrified of letting them or the team down. "
I'd address this with her if you haven't already because she will actually play worse than her potential of she's uptight trying to please others... If she shows on the field what she can do, the coaches will notice her and she'll be fine at tryouts... DD's coaches thought she was shy for a.couple weeks because she was so quiet, but now her coach says he can't get her to shut up. Point being, she did enough at tryouts despite being really quiet and it all worked out great.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk

She really does like her teammates, for the most part, and we have tried to discuss her interaction and her "uptight" demeanor with her. She's 15 - so our discussions aren't always smooth. She sees it as us being critical of her performance. "I *am* smiling. What else can I do?"

 

[Cannonball]

There is a good chance that your dd will kind of sort of grow out of it. I was that way as a child. One day in school, one teacher told me I looked like a Wolf seeking prey. She said I was the single meanest student she had ever taught. The reality was that I never did one thing out of line in her class. Not one! In fact, I got straight A's in HS. College was tough because they waned all of the "group" work. So, if you were in my group in college, you won the lottery. I was going to do all of the work and you were going to get an A. I know two Principals and one Superintendent that never once had to do any work because when it came to group work, they always made sure they were in my group. LOL Now, we're friends. Somewhere along the line, I softened up. I am quite certain your dd is a very nice young lady. Being an introvert doesn't have anything to do with what is in a person's heart. It is just so hard to talk to people and to be involved with them. It also isn't like you hate anyone. It is more like you can't open up. Give it time.

 

[CMMom1740]

I count myself in the introvert camp, although my DD is the opposite. We have not had one progress report on her since Pre-K that didn't mention "volume control" or needs to stop distracting others. She's very well-liked, but she can freeze up too. For the first two months of her TB season this year, I was nervous because she would stay in the corner on her phone during tournament downtime while the others (who'd already been together a year or two and mostly go to school together) were goofing off. Come spring, she was right there in the mix. If your DD is not stressed about it, you don't need to be either. If she is stressed, that could be affecting her performance on the field. Now, there's a difference between feeling like you're a bit of an outsider vs. feeling bullied or as if others don't like you. If it's the former, she may need to come out of her shell and assert herself more. If the latter, I'd look for a new team.

I would possibly consider (if feasible) a "carpool" situation with one other family with a friendly daughter. I personally prefer getting to know people one-on-one, and get super intimidated if I'm trying to infiltrate an already established group all at once. I always panic a bit when I go to "Mommy" events at my kids' school if I don't see one or two Moms I know well. I suck at small talk and will go to the bathroom eight times or pretend there's something really important I need to do on my phone. But, if one friendly person approaches me, I'm golden. So, your DD might respond well to trying to get to know one girl at a time. JMHO

 

[slugger3]

2 of my 3 DDs might not be as introverted as your DD, but they hate BS and are very straight forward as your DD is.
Gaining new friends is one thing, but if she doesn't want to hang out and take 117 fake BFF pics and post them on Snapchat, good for her.

It's almost as bad as the butt sniffing some parents do, trying to pry gossip or info out of other parents. ( yes like dogs do, checking each other out, setting the hierarchy among the parents)

If I was a head coach I would appreciate a girl who was very straight forward and blunt at times...no BS.

If your DD is worried about tryout season, does she have the courage go up to a prospective coach in a tryout and tell them that she is, "here to play the game the best she can, as hard as she can....and I'm not here for coloring book bonding time..."?
I'd think a coach would love that straight forward attitude...

Good luck!

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

My daughters are both pretty quiet by nature. Being quiet does not win you any favors in softball, especially at tryouts and on road trips. Being part of the team is a big deal, on and off the field. Coaches want happiness and bonding off the field, and girls who are seen as "loners" are generally not well accepted, at least from my experience.

DD1 has had to make an effort to join in at team breakfasts, parties, etc. Last season she was pretty miserable since the girls who were friends on the field typically hung out a lot off the field, and she was not one of the chosen ones. This year she has made a concerted effort to put herself out there and it has paid off to some extent.

DD2 is very down-to-business on the field and very much a team leader during game time. But she's not everybody's bestie off the field, to the point of being shunned by some of the girls because of her all-business demeanor at games. Her coaches have told her that they appreciate her intensity, but she needs to tone it down a bit if she wants people to follow her example. She's as serious as a heart attack when she steps between the lines.

If your daughter can't find ways to be outgoing and social, my best advice is for her parents to be as social as possible. Even if she's not seen as a "team player", you will be, and coaches love to see harmony on the sidelines as well. Just a thought.

Boy this is what I'm afraid of. The other girls are hanging out, posting tons of social media stuff, texting, whatever - and mine seems like she's really take-it-or-leave-it about that. She loves playing with them, but she doesn't want to be involved with their lives outside of ball. She says she has friends from school for that - and she likes it that way. She doesn't want to go to meals or sleepovers much. She says she's just awkward and never knows what to say.

So taking it a step further, then: What exactly is a team being "bonded?" If she's played with the same girls all season, enjoys their camaraderie on the field, likes them and trusts them - isn't she bonded, too? Large group events actually stress her and make her tired. After big tournaments, she wants to go straight to a quiet room and be alone to process. Car rides home are the same way, win or lose. She puts on the headphones and goes into her own space for a bit.

And I'm a pretty social person - dad isn't at all. She doesn't understand how I genuinely like people and get energy from being around groups. I know this is all a learning experience for her, and she is growing and getting more confidence. I just don't really know what to say.

"Hey, how about looking like you DON'T want to stab someone in the eyeball with a fork?" seems a little aggressive.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Boy this is what I'm afraid of.

I wouldn't be too worried about it.

Is she worried about not fitting in? Do other players not like her?

I don't quite share Scott's view on this. Maybe some teams are like this. In fact, DD's last team had a head coach who seemed to want everybody on the team to be best friends and planned a lot of activities together. Current team is more about softball. If you can play ball and respect your teammates, you are valued. DD much prefers current team. The previous team, where coaches and parents really encouraged all the bonding, got along less well than the 'we're-here-to-play-softball' team.

You also talked about your DD as being a people pleaser and anxious not to disappoint coach, etc. Mine is like that. Wish she wasn't, but she is. I accept it and don't judge her. She already judges herself, so I don't need to. I just encourage and support. Kids like that tend to operate on irrational beliefs. They think coach is mad, or that their own mistakes are somehow worse than another players. I think it's important for me to re-set reality. I point out bad plays that her teammates made and ask what she thinks of them. She'll say, 'Everybody makes mistakes. She's cool.' Or half the time, she won't even remember someone else's mistake. I try to show her that this is how her teammates respond to her mistakes. They are forgiving and forgetful, just like her, as long as it's a teammate who gives 100 percent. And DD knows she does that. (It's called cognitive therapy. Over time, I think it helps.)

 

[maksoftball]

My DD's favorite tank top.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

My DD's favorite tank top.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I must have this for my daughter! That's awesome!

 

[nanotech14]

I think coaches, that are into this team bonding, should stick it up their a$$.I guess my introvert is showing. I want them to play softball together, not have to be best friends. We don't need to get together and have dinner as a team and have sleep overs. My dd doesn't do any of the team bonding crap, one we don't live near the teams she plays on and guess what? Her teammates like her, even though she my only say a couple things to them the whole weekend. I would rather have a whole team of introverts. At least they will tell me when I screw up, then a bunch of but kissing, look at me girls. Oh by the way, I'm never politically correct. I guess I will be sent to Hillary's reeducation camps, if she wins.