Introverts, Unite! Separately. In your own homes.

[BobInMadison]

Two of my kids are introverts, the other two are extroverts. The extroverts played softball, so people who've known my family through softball don't always know about my introverts.

People do change. My DD 2 is getting a lot less introverted as she gets older.

Interesting: my biggest extrovert is DD 1. She no longer plays team sports. She likes to run by herself for some alone time.
My biggest introvert is DS. He loves rowing, and is renting an off campus apartment with a couple of other rowers. He needs time with friends.

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

I think coaches, that are into this team bonding, should stick it up their a$$.I guess my introvert is showing. I want them to play softball together, not have to be best friends. We don't need to get together and have dinner as a team and have sleep overs. My dd doesn't do any of the team bonding crap, one we don't live near the teams she plays on and guess what? Her teammates like her, even though she my only say a couple things to them the whole weekend. I would rather have a whole team of introverts. At least they will tell me when I screw up, then a bunch of but kissing, look at me girls. Oh by the way, I'm never politically correct. I guess I will be sent to Hillary's reeducation camps, if she wins.

My DD is reading this thread and says that shirt post is favorite #1, this is favorite #2.

 

[Tom]

"Hey, how about looking like you DON'T want to stab someone in the eyeball with a fork?" seems a little aggressive.

In regard to tryout situations that is exactly what I would suggest you tell her.

In working with C level executives in regard to interviewing, it never ceases to amaze me how many (especially the introverts) are totally unaware of the "vibe" they give off until someone points it out candidly. It may sound corny, and a 15 year old will really think its corny (unless she's also in drama classes), but have her practice talking to herself by herself, or when shes on phone, in front of a mirror so that she can feel what she looks like while she is seeing what others see. Another interview (or tryout conversation) tip for an introvert is to get adept at throwing a conversation back to the other party by "answering specifically then asking generally". That way an introvert can communicate more comfortably while being perceived as being engaged in a conversation, but actually is letting the other person drive the conversation, ie:

(coach after tryout to DD) "well, what did you think about the team?"
(DD to coach) "I had a great time and really liked X drill, it looks like you have a great team here, how do you think I would fit in?"

That's obviously a very general example, but if shes gets the idea of this, her introversion can be made a non issue. If her introversion is a problem for her in all situations I would suggest getting her into some uncomfortable situations now like, a drama or speech class, doing a reading at church or for an organization, making an introduction for a speaker etc. If she has aspirations of playing in college she is going to have to get comfortable person-ably engaging in a conversation, especially if she has to talk to a scout or coach extemporaneously. Being able to communicate effectively is a must in life and practicing now will give her an advantage in college interviews, job interviews etc.

With the idea being prevalent that all players need to be the rah-rah type, I would suggest she will be at a disadvantage to an equal player who is an extrovert (or who is at least is perceived as being more engaging). My DD had an issue of not making eye contact. She was fully engaged in conversation but was being perceived as being easily distracted. Being direct with her about it and making her see what others see, then teaching her to maintain eye contact has stopped that misconception others had of her.

In regard to team bonding, I definitely agree with you and your daughter that contrived events really don't accomplish that at all. True and meaningful team bonding (especially with females) happens spontaneously through shared experience and develops more deeply as that happens over time.

 

[Strike2]

I tend to be a bit introverted, and my kid follows that. If you want to ALWAYS be that inward looking, somber, "ALL-business" personality, golf or tennis will suit you well, but don't be surprised if you have trouble on a TEAM. This goes double for fastpitch softball. I'm able to hide that tendency both as a coach and a parent interacting with other parents, and I don't like players who are overly introverted. I've dealt with a few, and communication with these personality types of players can be very difficult, and they do little to help team cohesion. I encourage my kid to engage with her team mates and coaches even if they are not and will never be besties. Dinners? Fine. Sleepovers? Great. Good teams aren't made up of individuals in their own little worlds, and I'd argue that the best teams are made up of players with talent, strong work ethic, who are ALSO good friends. A positive personality playing alongside of you builds confidence, provides a backstop to the inevitable failures, and typically produces better overall outcomes.

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

In regard to tryout situations that is exactly what I would suggest you tell her.

In working with C level executives in regard to interviewing, it never ceases to amaze me how many (especially the introverts) are totally unaware of the "vibe" they give off until someone points it out candidly. It may sound corny, and a 15 year old will really think its corny (unless she's also in drama classes), but have her practice talking to herself by herself, or when shes on phone, in front of a mirror so that she can feel what she looks like while she is seeing what others see. Another interview (or tryout conversation) tip for an introvert is to get adept at throwing a conversation back to the other party by "answering specifically then asking generally". That way an introvert can communicate more comfortably while being perceived as being engaged in a conversation, but actually is letting the other person drive the conversation, ie:

(coach after tryout to DD) "well, what did you think about the team?"
(DD to coach) "I had a great time and really liked X drill, it looks like you have a great team here, how do you think I would fit in?"

That's obviously a very general example, but if shes gets the idea of this, her introversion can be made a non issue. If her introversion is a problem for her in all situations I would suggest getting her into some uncomfortable situations now like, a drama or speech class, doing a reading at church or for an organization, making an introduction for a speaker etc. If she has aspirations of playing in college she is going to have to get comfortable person-ably engaging in a conversation, especially if she has to talk to a scout or coach extemporaneously. Being able to communicate effectively is a must in life and practicing now will give her an advantage in college interviews, job interviews etc.

With the idea being prevalent that all players need to be the rah-rah type, I would suggest she will be at a disadvantage to an equal player who is an extrovert (or who is at least is perceived as being more engaging). My DD had an issue of not making eye contact. She was fully engaged in conversation but was being perceived as being easily distracted. Being direct with her about it and making her see what others see, then teaching her to maintain eye contact has stopped that misconception others had of her.

In regard to team bonding, I definitely agree with you and your daughter that contrived events really don't accomplish that at all. True and meaningful team bonding (especially with females) happens spontaneously through shared experience and develops more deeply as that happens over time.

Wow, thank you for this response. I am reminded of why I frequent this board and how valuable the advice is. I will share this with her - and it definitely gives her some perspective on how to overcome her conversational challenges. Thank you again for the well-stated, sound and intelligent advice.

 

[CoogansBluff]

In regard to tryout situations that is exactly what I would suggest you tell her.

In working with C level executives in regard to interviewing, it never ceases to amaze me how many (especially the introverts) are totally unaware of the "vibe" they give off until someone points it out candidly. It may sound corny, and a 15 year old will really think its corny (unless she's also in drama classes), but have her practice talking to herself by herself, or when shes on phone, in front of a mirror so that she can feel what she looks like while she is seeing what others see. Another interview (or tryout conversation) tip for an introvert is to get adept at throwing a conversation back to the other party by "answering specifically then asking generally". That way an introvert can communicate more comfortably while being perceived as being engaged in a conversation, but actually is letting the other person drive the conversation, ie:

(coach after tryout to DD) "well, what did you think about the team?"
(DD to coach) "I had a great time and really liked X drill, it looks like you have a great team here, how do you think I would fit in?"

That's obviously a very general example, but if shes gets the idea of this, her introversion can be made a non issue. If her introversion is a problem for her in all situations I would suggest getting her into some uncomfortable situations now like, a drama or speech class, doing a reading at church or for an organization, making an introduction for a speaker etc. If she has aspirations of playing in college she is going to have to get comfortable person-ably engaging in a conversation, especially if she has to talk to a scout or coach extemporaneously. Being able to communicate effectively is a must in life and practicing now will give her an advantage in college interviews, job interviews etc.

With the idea being prevalent that all players need to be the rah-rah type, I would suggest she will be at a disadvantage to an equal player who is an extrovert (or who is at least is perceived as being more engaging). My DD had an issue of not making eye contact. She was fully engaged in conversation but was being perceived as being easily distracted. Being direct with her about it and making her see what others see, then teaching her to maintain eye contact has stopped that misconception others had of her.

In regard to team bonding, I definitely agree with you and your daughter that contrived events really don't accomplish that at all. True and meaningful team bonding (especially with females) happens spontaneously through shared experience and develops more deeply as that happens over time.

How do you define an introvert?

I don't object to your advice per se, but I think we have a different definition. I see introversion as a personality trait that is neither good nor bad. It describes people who are simply more inwardly focused. As a result, they might actually be better at observation, or better at 1-on-1 relationships. They might be more direct and less superficial, better at working alone, more creative, etc. They might struggle with non-stop group activity. They need time to recharge. They probably don't prefer to be engaged in social activity with the team constantly. They might prefer to retire to their hotel room or even eat alone rather than go out to dinner after having played 3-4 games.

I'm introverted. For every way that it might've held me back, it probably helped me in other regards. I don't have trouble in interviews. I don't have trouble looking people in the eye. I think I communicate pretty well. I can engage people pretty well 1-on-1. I'v coached, captained and managed sports teams. It's probably an asset that I enjoy doing a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff by myself. But I hate parties. Would much rather spend time with just 1 or 2 people. I can only take so much group activity. (Keep in mind that a road trip w/ a team doesn't have to be a group activity. Let them have their headphones.)

Being introverted, IMO, doesn't mean that you are withdrawn and lack confidence, assertiveness, social skills, self-esteem, etc. … You can improve on all those things and still be an introvert.

 

[CoogansBluff]

On more thought - Write down a list of the 5 worst teammates your DD has ever had. The ones your DD would say, 'Oh, gawd, please, could she leave the team.'

How many of those were extroverts?

 

[Me_and_my_big_mouth]

How do you define an introvert?

I don't object to your advice per se, but I think we have a different definition. I see introversion as a personality trait that is neither good nor bad. It describes people who are simply more inwardly focused. As a result, they might actually be better at observation, or better at 1-on-1 relationships. They might be more direct and less superficial, better at working alone, more creative, etc. They might struggle with non-stop group activity. They need time to recharge. They probably don't prefer to be engaged in social activity with the team constantly. They might prefer to retire to their hotel room or even eat alone rather than go out to dinner after having played 3-4 games.

I'm introverted. For every way that it might've held me back, it probably helped me in other regards. I don't have trouble in interviews. I don't have trouble looking people in the eye. I think I communicate pretty well. I can engage people pretty well 1-on-1. I'v coached, captained and managed sports teams. It's probably an asset that I enjoy doing a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff by myself. But I hate parties. Would much rather spend time with just 1 or 2 people. I can only take so much group activity. (Keep in mind that a road trip w/ a team doesn't have to be a group activity. Let them have their headphones.)

Being introverted, IMO, doesn't mean that you are withdrawn and lack confidence, assertiveness, social skills, self-esteem, etc. … You can improve on all those things and still be an introvert.

So what is an introvert? Good question - and I'm sure there are varying degrees. This post really beautifully describes my DD, except that she does also have difficulty having conversations with people she either wishes to impress or doesn't care for. I suspect that is also because of her age, as she's gotten better about it over the last couple years.

She does not have a poker face. If she isn't confident, it shows. If she finds you distasteful, it shows. She doesn't suffer fools. I can't believe I found a place to use that. Always wanted to, never seemed to fit!

In life, candor is not always a good thing. There are times when one must simply "Suck it up, Buttercup," and make nicey-nice with others - even if they aren't your particular cup of tea. She is working on this.

I loved the advice about answering specifically, asking generally. She used this technique yesterday around new people and it worked for her!

The advice to list the 5 players she wished she hadn't played with was eye-opening and validating. And the part about having to recharge by being alone was perfect. We should just print that out and hand it to her team, so they know it doesn't mean that she doesn't love them all when she no-shows to dinner; it just means she needs quiet time. We've always called her, "processing time." And then we are asking her to try to push beyond her comfort zone every so often, to help her grow. She's been surprised, as she's actually enjoyed herself a few times!

 

[grcsftbll]

The main difference is that introverts gain energy from solitude. We are drained by being around people even when we enjoy it. We have to take time to ourselves to recharge. Extroverts gain energy from being around people and are more likely to feel drained by too much alone time.

Introverts are not necessarily shy. Some are, some aren't, just like extroverts. But introverts do not enjoy small talk or conversations we view as meaningless or superficial. Engage us in something that interests us and you may have a hard time shutting us up. But having to make light conversation with people we don't know is torture. We get good at it anyway sometimes since society requires it of us but we won't ever enjoy it.

I don't believe either is preferable, objectively. There are benefits and down sides to both. I like to think either type player can work within her own style and use the strengths to her advantage.

 

[Cowdogz]

I want them to play softball together, not have to be best friends.

Remember Tinker to Evers to Chance, the double-play combination that was so deadly they wrote a poem about it? Tinker and Evers didn't speak to each other off the field for years.