Parental Setback

[softballphreak]

There is only one thing you have control over, and that is yourself. No matter how bad you want this, that, or the other, it is not yours. You are a helper. Do the best you can, but get rid of the thought that this is your failure or success.

 

[PA SB Dad]

There is only one thing you have control over, and that is yourself. No matter how bad you want this, that, or the other, it is not yours. You are a helper. Do the best you can, but get rid of the thought that this is your failure or success.

Absolutely 100% right! I think parents do often get caught up in the competition of their kids' sports teams as if it were their own (myself included!). I have seen Amy post this advice several times and I have found it to be a big help - find your own slow-pitch team to play for, or some other hobby that is yours and can satisfy some of the competitive edge you get from your DD's activity. It will do wonders for your sanity!

 

[CoogansBluff]

I don't think there's anything wrong w/ getting some of our competitive needs met through our children or living vicariously through them -- to a point.

If we're honest, it's just human for most of us. Rather than fight it, I admit it. I don't judge it, I just observe it and be careful not to act on it in ways that harm my daughter. If I admit that my moods swing based on my daughter's performance, then I'm better able to make rational decisions on what to do with those feelings so as not to hurt her.

Here are the things that I remind myself to keep me from crossing the line --

The game belongs to my daughter. It is hers. It is not mine. It is not ours. It is hers. My assessment of her performance is irrelevant. If my daughter wants that assessment, she will ask for it. I'm careful not to show approval or disapproval during her games or after. I don't cheer that much because I don't want her to be concerned about whether I'm cheering or not cheering. She needs to play for herself and her teammates, not her parents.

 

[undergroundga]

I think sometimes comments made on this forum are taken way too seriously. If anyone( like many of us on this forum do) invests as much time, money, and personal energy into anything, like we do the development of our dds, they are gonna feel emotional investment. I think there is something wrong if you don't.
I get bummed out when any of my sports teams lose and I just watch them on tv or buy the occasional jersey. Is that unhealthy? I don't think so. It's called passion.
What is unhealthy is when you berrate your child for a bad game. Just because it bums you out and puts you in a bad mood doesn't mean your gonna be sadistic the next time you are rideing a bucket. I think it means you care.
Why am I allowed to scream and shout and be passionate at a major league game but not my own dd's game.
I put a lot into dd playing softball(as well as many other activities of hers, but yes mostly softball). Why because she loves it and cares about it. If she quit tomorrow I would walk away and be fine. And yes, this is her game. But don't think for one minute that I don't get something from her playing. I swell with pride when she has a great weekend and suffer disappointment when she has a bad one. Does she know I love her no matter what? Yes, she does. If I didn't care I would walk around indifferent.

 

[PA SB Dad]

I think sometimes comments made on this forum are taken way too seriously. If anyone( like many of us on this forum do) invests as much time, money, and personal energy into anything, like we do the development of our dds, they are gonna feel emotional investment. I think there is something wrong if you don't.
I get bummed out when any of my sports teams lose and I just watch them on tv or buy the occasional jersey. Is that unhealthy? I don't think so. It's called passion.
What is unhealthy is when you berrate your child for a bad game. Just because it bums you out and puts you in a bad mood doesn't mean your gonna be sadistic the next time you are rideing a bucket. I think it means you care.
Why am I allowed to scream and shout and be passionate at a major league game but not my own dd's game.
I put a lot into dd playing softball(as well as many other activities of hers, but yes mostly softball). Why because she loves it and cares about it. If she quit tomorrow I would walk away and be fine. And yes, this is her game. But don't think for one minute that I don't get something from her playing. I swell with pride when she has a great weekend and suffer disappointment when she has a bad one. Does she know I love her no matter what? Yes, she does. If I didn't care I would walk around indifferent.

What I am saying is that you need to find a life outside of your DD's softball world. If not, you are going to find it a very lonely place when your DD stops playing softball.

 

[EP Dad]

What I am saying is that you need to find a life outside of your DD's softball world. If not, you are going to find it a very lonely place when your DD stops playing softball.

You could still stay involved in softball. Coach, become an ump. Be a booster for your local college team and go watch the games. Plan your retirement around being in Oklahoma in June every year, etc. etc. etc.

 

[SoCalSoftballdad]

Joe, I think you are well on your way to recovery. You recognized your "syndrome" and are dealing with it in a contructive manner (i.e. on this forum). I think you will be a better parent and fan on a go-forward basis. Chalk this up to a learning experience.

 

[sluggers]

Parents need to keep softball in context.

I.e.:

1) Your DD is not going to make any money playing softball after college.
2) Even a full ride at a D1 school may not be financially worth as much as the parents and DD have invested in it.
3) Very few people care that your DD was a star softball player at any school.
4) Sooner or later, all athletes quit.
5) Children grow into adults.
6) Life is short.
7) The time your DD is a child is much too short.
8) If your DD does what you want her to do, then the parent does not grow emotionally. If the DD does what she wants to do, and the parents help her, the parents can grow and experience new things that they never thought possible.

 

[undergroundga]

What I am saying is that you need to find a life outside of your DD's softball world. If not, you are going to find it a very lonely place when your DD stops playing softball.

I don't see where anybodies post reveal that they don't have a life outside of their dd's softball world.

 

[left turn]

When my DD started the journey of becoming a pitcher, I would take scrupulous notes from the sessions with the PC so I could reinforce later. I was too direct with my DD and focused on the negative – there was so much to learn and so much to improve. The pace of her improvement was low and it sometimes caused discomfort between us.

Several years ago I read a management research article about employees that were flourishing or struggling and they mentioned the Losada Ratio. This is the relationship between positive and negative statements: 3 positive comments to 1 negative comment. Their research showed that an employee was more likely to flourish if there was at least a 3:1 relationship between positive and negative comments.

After a session when there was some discomfort between us, I came to a stark realization. What happens if I create a great pitcher but I damage our relationship? It was a frightening thought.

I am absolutely not perfect, but I try to keep this ratio in mind when I am working with my DD. When I started better controlling how I communicate with my DD, she started improving at an increasingly fast pace. And we have a much stronger and mutually trusting relationship.