How to moderate a perfectionist

[Ivy's Dad]

My DD had a good game last night, but was highly upset afterwards. She was 1 for 2 (strikeout and single), and made all of the plays in the field that came her way. Her two points of contention were the strikeout and a fly ball to right field she felt she should have caught. The opposing pitcher was very good, and every girl on the team struck out at least once. The fly ball would have been catchable with a full speed diving catch, but playing it safe and keeping the runner to a single was a good, conservative play. Both her coaches and us (her parents) emphasized to her that she played well. Objectively, she played a good game but she has played better. She was probably 80% of her best.

My concern is the possibility of her coaches becoming fatigued of a "high maintenance" player. My DD is a perfectionist, and places more pressure on herself than her coaches or we do. How do I get her to relax and enjoy the game, while still maintaining the competitive fire? I've gained a large understanding of 12 YOA girls from this board, and I am very appreciative. Any additional insights on this particular issue would be greatly appreciated.

 

[sluggers]

My concern is the possibility of her coaches becoming fatigued of a "high maintenance" player. ... How do I get her to relax and enjoy the game, while still maintaining the competitive fire?

There are a lot of aspects to your question...so:

(1) When she starts griping about someone making a mistake, ask her if she walked anyone. Ask her if she threw any balls. Ask her if anyone got a hit off her. Every walk is her mistake. Every hit is her mistake. She needs to understand that everyone makes mistakes, including her.

(2) During the game, she has to "let go" of what happens and focus on her job. My DD got some great advice from a former pro baseball relief pitcher (he has a World Series championship ring). He said, "When you are out there, all there is is the ball, the batter and the catcher's mitt. Nothing else exists."

For a pitcher, all that exists is the pitch. The situation may dictate which pitch is thrown, but after the pitch is selected, the pitcher's job is to throw the ball to the best of her ability. Nothing matters as far as the pitch is concerned.

(3) As to being upset after the game--She can't control how she feels. You can't control how she feels. She can control how and when she expresses herself, and you can help her learn the appropriate time and place.

You're an adult--you know what you can and can't say about co-workers. You know it is one thing to come home to your spouse and say, "Bill is an idiot. He cost us $10,000 today." It is another to go into the company cafeteria and scream it. The same rules apply for sport teams. So, you teach her the rules, just like you taught her all of the other rules of social interaction. You tell her, and then call her out when she doesn't follow the rules--and you do so very clearly.

I raised two DDs who played in college. Both were very successful. During the game, they were calm, focused and relaxed. After the game around the players and coaches, they were calm. As soon as they were away from everyone in a "safe environment"--usually around me--then they would scream, curse, and cry until they were over it.

DD#3 played for a national champion basketball team at a religious school. After a loss, the coach would come into the locker room, give the normal "well, you played a great game" speech, and then the coach would leave the locker room. They would scream, yell and throw stuff around the locker room. But, when the team left the locker room, everything that could be said had been said, and they all moved on emotionally to the next game.

People are going to say, "Hey, it is a game, and everyone makes mistakes." Really competitive people live and die on the field. The stress is real, but without the stress, it isn't a whole lot of fun.

 

[Ivy's Dad]

There are a lot of aspects to your question...so:

(1) When she starts griping about someone making a mistake, ask her if she walked anyone. Ask her if she threw any balls. Ask her if anyone got a hit off her. Every walk is her mistake. Every hit is her mistake. She needs to understand that everyone makes mistakes, including her.

(2) During the game, she has to "let go" of what happens and focus on her job.

I raised two DDs who played in college. Both were very successful. During the game, they were calm, focused and relaxed. After the game around the players and coaches, they were calm. As soon as they were away from everyone in a "safe environment"--usually around me--then they would scream, curse, and cry until they were over it.

People are going to say, "Hey, it is a game, and everyone makes mistakes." Really competitive people live and die on the field. And, sometimes a person's mistakes does cost the team the game. She has to learn a way to deal with the stress--and it is difficult.

Fortunately for me, she is always supportive of all of the other girls on the team. Other parents and the coaches have told me what a joy it is to have her on the team, encouraging the younger girls. She's the team cheerleader. Unfortunately, she holds herself to much higher (unrealistic) standards.

I think a good approach is to see if I can have her postpone her emotions until the car ride home and focus on the job at hand during the game. It will be tough on me, but at least the coaches won't have to deal with it. I think the reason she was so upset about the fly ball was typically she would have made the diving catch. The play happened shortly after her strikeout, and she kind of admitted that she wasn't as focused as she should have been and got a late start on the ball. Hopefully it will be a learning experience, and she won't let a negative event in the game distract her in the future.

 

[SoftSocDad]

All that matters is the moment. Teach her the value of having a short memory on the playing field.

High achievers - and to be clear, not all perfectionists are high achievers, but I suspect your daughter probably is - don't excuse themselves for making mistakes, but neither do they allow past mistakes to dictate all future actions. I was probably twice her age before I figured that out, though.

I would gladly take a team of kids who hold themselves to exceptionally high standards of personal excellence. Consider your daughter's coaches lucky.

 

[Ivy's Dad]

I would gladly take a team of kids who hold themselves to exceptionally high standards of personal excellence. Consider your daughter's coaches lucky.

After her strikeout, she went to a corner of the dugout to be alone and quietly cried. She didn't make a scene, and wasn't seeking attention. She just cried because she was disappointed and mad at herself. I am concerned this behavoir might make her undesirable for her coaches. As a coach, would you consider this tolerable behavoir? It's obviously not desired or prefered, and something I will continue to try to improve. I grew up in a family of brothers (no sisters), so I'm kind of feeling my way with how girls handle things and what other people can/will tolerate. Thank you to everyone for their help and insight.

 

[SoCalSoftballdad]

After her strikeout, she went to a corner of the dugout to be alone and quietly cried. She didn't make a scene, and wasn't seeking attention. She just cried because she was disappointed and mad at herself. I am concerned this behavoir might make her undesirable for her coaches. As a coach, would you consider this tolerable behavoir? It's obviously not desired or prefered, and something I will continue to try to improve. I grew up in a family of brothers (no sisters), so I'm kind of feeling my way with how girls handle things and what other people can/will tolerate. Thank you to everyone for their help and insight.

Maybe some girls need to get emotional and cry sometimes to get over it, but I recently worked with a HC who would ask a crying player if they are hurt? If the answer was no, than he would tell her to pull it together, basically "there is no crying in softball" according to his coaching philosophy. Kinda harsh but got his point across and was generally effective.

 

[3'sDad]

Showing the frustration DD did in not being successful in an at-bat does happen. She is how old? When I coached, I had players who would show their emotions if not successful, as they felt terrible they let their team mates down. This past season one of my kids needed a shoulder to cry on as she was that upset (I checked with the parents before doing that, given what our society can think in today's world). This feeling of letting down the team if not successful is what makes coaching girls a bit different than boys and took a little to become accustomed to.

There have been times where coaching friends of mine (in 12U) had to call a time out and go calm down their pitcher who was in tears over walks, hits etc. It happens and the girls grow out of this about 2 nd year 12U or so.

 

[Dave D]

I've gotta say, as someone who's coached girls at a number of levels for a lot of years, tears, even "quiet" ones, are bad for the team. If boys see one of their teammates crying, they'll probably give him a hard time, or just ignore him. Girls, God bless 'em, are not wired that way. They will shift their attention to their teammate, cheering her up, making her laugh, etc., until the situation is resolved and then, if they're lucky, get back to the game.

I have a couple of players right now who will cry after a strikeout, etc. They know that, for sure, they aren't going out into the field until they've got it together. Mostly, the other girls on the team are learning to tune it out.

Ivy's Dad, what I would say is yes, over time, your DD's level of perfectionism is going to get under the skins of her teammates and coaches. She sounds like a really fine player, one I would like to have on my team, but only if she can accept that subpar performances, mistakes, and the occasional outright failure are part of the whole experience. Sure, it's good that she wants to, even expects to, perform flawlessly, but it's rarely going to happen. When she goes into the corner and weeps quietly after a K, she's doing damage to the team, and putting her own issues ahead of the success of the team. I'll bet she doesn't see herself as selfish, and from what I read, you don't see her as that, either, but that's what she's being.

DD is a pitcher who has had her share of subpar and outright disastrous performances. She may have a tear or two in the car on the way home occasionally, but she refuses to go there on the field or the court. A couple of weeks ago, I looked away from her volleyball match for a second or two between points, then looked back and she was bawling. Turned out that she had stepped on the side of a teammate's foot and rolled her ankle over completely (grade 3 sprain). I realized that it was the first time I'd ever seen her cry on the field of play. (Biggest bummer for her is missing the last 2 Sundays of fall ball).

 

[abbygale]

Dave, I'm speechless in a very good way. Bravo.

 

[mudbug]

Its best described by the saying "Leave everything out there on the field" . When its over, its over. move on. If their coach , parents, teammates take that approach, they likely will too.