Fine line between encouraging, guiding, and pushing our kids

[SoftSocDad]

When do you encourage something and when do you stay out of it? We were watching one of those national televised dance competitions and this early 20's women who won it all thanked her mother for making her continue dancing when she fel like quitting at a young age. What if the mother said fine, quit when this girl was young, she would have missed out on pursuing dance which is now her passion and career choice in life. Its not an easy decision.

I know there's a chance I'll wrestle with this issue going forward, but at the end of the day, all I can really do is to give her every opportunity to succeed at whatever she's happiest doing.

Our story: I wasn't going to make our 7yo play softball this past season, but my wife said she had to, that it wasn't her choice.

That was about 6 months ago and as of today, the kid has a greater fire for softball than ever before...played a great rec season, requested pitching lessons, and then jumped at the chance to go to a college softball camp and plans to play up a division next spring.

If I'd forced mom to join me in allowing DD to quit in order to focus on soccer, there is a chance she may have left softball altogether.

Of course, this could all change in the next couple of years, but her mother knew softball was something she really enjoyed and didn't want to see her give it up just because of her previous year's experience, when I held her back for a 3rd year of t-ball/coach pitch instead of appealing to the league to let her play up a division.

I'm always quick to acknowledge that every kid is different, but I've received some outstanding advice from many of the members here on how to effectively manage things moving forward. There will still be bumps in the road and I've still got plenty of mistakes left to make, but thanks to what I've learned here, I feel a lot more confident about how to help my little girl pursue her dream if she does decide to stick with softball over the next 3-5 years.

 

[druer]

Great topic as this is certainly one of the hardest decisions to make.

Glad things worked out for your daughter this year and that her passion continues to burn for the sport.

My advice to parents I work with is:
1. Be sure that your decision isn't personally motivated in any way. In other words, don't force daughter to play because you love the sport. Support her, don't make her support your needs.

2. Children (under 10) are always going to go through ups and downs. You wouldn't let them quit school because they have a bad day or a bad teacher. So you can't let them give up a sport for the same reason.

3. Pre-Teens (10-13) are always going to through incredible emotional ups and downs. You have the obligation to help them form decisions that are well thought out and not made during an emotional period. Long term she very well may leave the sport, but short term it's important that she learns how to be patient when making big decisions. Help her learn the value of committment at this age by not allowing her to quit during a season. Tell her that you value her decision making abilities and her feelings, and that if she still wants to leave after the season that is fine with you.

4. Teens are in a world of their own. If they are still playing the sport at this age it is because they love it. Those of you with teens know that you have to choose your battles wisely and forcing her to stay in a sport at this age, probably isn't going to go well. There is no need to destroy some poor coach by making your teen daughter show up, because she's going to take it out on him, hurt the team and look for a different area of her life where she will prove that she can do what she wants. That isn't going to end well.