Dealing with Upperclassmen making it hard on DD

[redhotcoach]

"Some of the parents even started doing it to DW and I. Unbelieveable!! Friends for years and they stop talking to me because my DD got 3 more minutes than theirs in last night's game. Really?!?! Earlier in the season when my DD was sitting on the bench, I still talked to them..."

You will find that no matter the age group, talent level or whether it is school ball, TB, whatever, parents can be as competitive/vindictive/jealous, if not more, than kids can be. It never ceases to amaze me how some people can act over a game which is supposed to be fun and all for the kids to begin with. Remember people...it's still just a GAME!

Just dippin into this thread...but you are spot on. Dd (just turned 13 at the time) subbed in on a 16u team early last year. What completely silences a stand full of 16u parents...strike outs? No. Other team scoring? No. A new 13 year old hitting dbls and trpls for their own team? YUP that does it. Out family was never treated colder by opposing teams then the parents treated us on this team. Most of the girls started pretty cold with dd, but luckily 2 "alpha girls" on the team were super self confident and super nice.

 

[Cannonball]

I posted in this topic that the JV girls were very bad to my dd in HS. The V girls were not nice UNTIL, as RHC, alluded to, 2 or 3 of the best girls got behind my dd. I'll never forget my dd running in and asking for some money for Dairy Queen. I was stunned and wanted to know how she got home and who was driving her around. It was Nan and Renee who were V studs. Practice was cut short and so they wanted dd to go with them to Dairy Queen. I know that no matter how bad the JV girls acted or on or two on the V, she was going to do just fine.

We can't be there all of the time to protect our dds. We have to empower them some BUT give them the skills along the way to deal with jealousy, envy, ... That is a fact of life regardless of activity.

 

[obbay]

HS softball is not important, career-wise, but maybe it's something the kid has looked forward to.
I hate our HS softball program. DD #1 played and is playing DIII now. DD#2 starts HS next September and is thinking of staying with tournament ball and trying a new sport in high school. Maybe run track like Raven Chavanne and many other college athletes that she admires.
Some high school programs are very good while others are just glorified rec ball and a paycheck for the coach.

 

[BB875]

In Iowa 8th graders can play varsity level HS ball (summer season). As a family you spend thousands of dollars and countless days at the ball park with her travel team all in an attempt to get your DD to a high level, as high as she wants to go. Then finally she gets old enough to participate for her HS team, and she is so excited about the possibility of wearing her school colors. For my DD, she was a varsity player before she ever stepped into the high school. However, it came at a price. At try-outs and practices, she got a mental beating by a lot of the older kids on the bubble. She (and we) were completely unprepared for it. We experienced pretty much the same thing you mentioned with DD#1, and at the time, felt like we were the only one's ever going through it. I don't care how tough any of you think your DD is, when an 8th grader gets mentally abused by a senior it is awful & she is completely outmatched. So much for school spirit and the "team" concept. Her bubble was burst.

I am sure all of you know the trend is to run down a great young player and make her miserable. Get her to quit. That way the mediocre upperclassmen will keep her spot. No need to improve the softball skills of your DD, just help her bullying skills to get her way. It all starts at home...

I know for D1 college recruitment, HS ball & stats are not very important. In our area, high school ball is pretty competitive. We have some good teams in our conference. So, HS ball is important. Our school won the conference last year beating a rival team that posted over 55HRs (single season) and set a state record. However, both schools were knocked out of regional play and neither made it to the state tourney. So, there is parity among the top programs in Iowa.

I wish your DD the best!

 

[chinamigarden]

I've been on both sides of this issue. My dd played up and down her freshman year. She pitched on JV to get work and then for tourneys and after the JV season finished she mostly started in RF. There was a senior who played RF every other game but when the coach would bring up Nat the senior sat and the frosh played. Frankly I thought that sucked for the senior. But because the Alpha girl on the team (great term that I just stole from someone here) had played with my dd when they were 8 and 10, my dd was accepted and while she didn't socialize with the girls, she was accepted as a teammate. On the other hand volleyball and basketball have shown to be a whole lot more cliqueish and a couple of girls in particular have been nasty all along. My dd is good at both, but not a star, one girl who is a year ahead of my dd is constantly pushing around the younger girls who play her position. She does everything it takes to get them to quit. The head coach thinks she is just feisty and thinks its great.

Now my dd is a junior and she has lost playing time to a freshman on basketball, and instead of moping or complaining, she works on her own game and doesn't say boo about the frosh playing. Frankly I think her goal is to force the aforementioned senior out of the lineup.

As parents we say root for the team and the individual players, good things will happen for your kid if she works at the game.

 

[MNDad]

DD didn't experience any issues playing varsity as an 8th grader a few years ago. They older girls were welcoming and mentored her. There was another girl who moved up at the same time who was "bullied". Her parents would sit in the stands and criticize all the older players and proclaim how much better their daughter was and were convinced everyone was jealous and out to get her. The girl heard it so often she believed it herself and her attitude pushed everyone away.

 

[CoogansBluff]

DD didn't experience any issues playing varsity as an 8th grader a few years ago. They older girls were welcoming and mentored her. There was another girl who moved up at the same time who was "bullied". Her parents would sit in the stands and criticize all the older players and proclaim how much better their daughter was and were convinced everyone was jealous and out to get her. The girl heard it so often she believed it herself and her attitude pushed everyone away.

That's a good point to remember. Unfortunately, we can't get everyone's side of every story that comes up on this forum. We just have to take what we hear at face value and advise as best we can. I just know that I've never read a post like this: "My daughter is a senior who is losing playing time to a freshman on her high school team. My DD is giving the freshman the silent treatment and recruiting her friends to make life miserable for her. How can I handle this?''

 

[knightsb]

Just read this blog post and it reminded me of this thread: Forced to Sit on the Dugout Floor

Excerpt:
As is always the case when the coach is aware that there is bullying and hazing on his team, it occurs when a coach is too insecure to lead, teach and discipline his players. Due to this insecurity in his ability to coach he attains his self-worth by going along with the bullying and hazing. Because the Coach is not sure his coaching, instruction and strategy will measure up on the field of battle, just like his adolescent teenage players, the coach opts for an alternate means of status that he can control.

When the coach allows the “Senior Click” to have this type of control he gains status as a buddy in the “Senior Click”. This may make him feel good. It may make him popular, even if, and especially if his team is not performing on the field of battle. But his feelings and his popularity come at the expense of the very players he has sworn to protect.

So the conclusion is this; any time, I mean any time a coach allows bullying and hazing it is never for the good of the player being hazed and bullied; nor is it for the good of the player executing the hazing and bullying; nor is it for the good of the team. There is only one reason a coach allows such a situation to exist and it is to gain status for himself in the eyes of his players. In so doing the coach has put his status above the safety and respect of the very players he is sworn to protect.

When a person, in a position of power, uses this power to serve themselves at the expense of others, especially the powerless under their control, they prove that they forfeit their rank as a coach and substitute it for the status of a player within the click. Coaches are to teach respect and dignity for all in the face of all situations one might encounter, on and off the field of battle. So when a coach allows hazing and bullying, within the very situation where they have control and should be able to prevent such activity, they reveal they are lacking as a teacher and a protector of those with little or no power.

When coaches allow hazing and bullying they may gain status among those players in the click, but it comes at a cost to the players who are the recipients of the hazing and bullying. When a coach pursues his or her status at such a cost, it reveals this coach is among the lowest of all human dregs that walk the face of the earth.

 

[SCDad]

That's a good point to remember. Unfortunately, we can't get everyone's side of every story that comes up on this forum. We just have to take what we hear at face value and advise as best we can. I just know that I've never read a post like this: "My daughter is a senior who is losing playing time to a freshman on her high school team. My DD is giving the freshman the silent treatment and recruiting her friends to make life miserable for her. How can I handle this?''

As much as the parents will not admit, it starts with them.

Once a family reaches the High School level, they have played for and against about every player on the team. Along the way someone has said and done something "wrong" to each and everyone of them. It is a competitive sport, emotions get high, and feelings get hurt.

Some hold on to old grudges, can't let go. Walk around with negative energy. Think they are better than everyone. The parents included as much of this is fostered at the dinner table at home.

This HS year, we have 5 players and parents leading the non-coaching group. The Dad's (because I am a dad, and mingle with the men) have let ALL of the past GO. We focus on the future and what we can do as a small group to help these young ladies get along. We go out of our way to talk nice about other players. Always be positive. When we play poorly, we all look inward at what our DD could have done better.

It becomes a culture folks, a winning culture. So very hard to do. Once it becomes a habit, winning becomes contagious.

These young ladies still get on each others nerves. They still pick on each other. No one is perfect. But when they go home to their dads, each and everyone of them hears the same story. It is a team. The result at seasons end has as much to do with how good of a bond is formed, as the players skills. Forming bonds is the easy part. Playing better is the hard part.

It amazes me teams lose because they do not form bonds. It is the fault of the upperclass players and parents. And wonder why, as they are pointing their finger at someone else.

As a rule, always celebrate other players good plays. Always internalize your players mistakes, and work on them at home.

 

[Greenmonsters]

As much as the parents will not admit, it starts with them.

Once a family reaches the High School level, they have played for and against about every player on the team. Along the way someone has said and done something "wrong" to each and everyone of them. It is a competitive sport, emotions get high, and feelings get hurt.

Some hold on to old grudges, can't let go. Walk around with negative energy. Think they are better than everyone. The parents included as much of this is fostered at the dinner table at home.

This HS year, we have 5 players and parents leading the non-coaching group. The Dad's (because I am a dad, and mingle with the men) have let ALL of the past GO. We focus on the future and what we can do as a small group to help these young ladies get along. We go out of our way to talk nice about other players. Always be positive. When we play poorly, we all look inward at what our DD could have done better.

It becomes a culture folks, a winning culture. So very hard to do. Once it becomes a habit, winning becomes contagious.

These young ladies still get on each others nerves. They still pick on each other. No one is perfect. But when they go home to their dads, each and everyone of them hears the same story. It is a team. The result at seasons end has as much to do with how good of a bond is formed, as the players skills. Forming bonds is the easy part. Playing better is the hard part.It amazes me teams lose because they do not form bonds. It is the fault of the upperclass players and parents. And wonder why, as they are pointing their finger at someone else.

As a rule, always celebrate other players good plays. Always internalize your players mistakes, and work on them at home.

SCD - I think you have the big picture right. However, when a close team bond is formed, the players play better because they are playing for each other and the team, not themselves IMO. And that motivation is often missing on the TB scene. However, even if a team has a special bond, that is not enough to make them winners if they don't have solid talent to start.