DD without fire--part 2

[Old Guy]

It's hard for us competitive fathers to accept, but there are different kinds of kids out there. Some like to play the game. Some live to play the game. In my experience, there is really nothing you can do to change either one. The best you can do is be supportive, because if you push thing you could simply drive them away from the sport. They may have all the potential in the world but if they only play softball for fun and the social interaction all you can do is wait for them to "get it". Maybe they will, maybe they never will. As long as they're having fun and not detrimental to the team let it go. As kids get older the "for fun" kids skill generally drops behind the "fire" kids and they either drop out or something triggers their "fire".

I coached rec girl's softball long before I had children and I saw the full range of players and their attitudes. When we had my DD I never told her I used to play and coach softball because I didn't want her to play something just because I did. Long story short, she signed up for 8U with some friends and has played for about 4 years now. She was one of the top players on the team when she started, blessed by genetics to be tall, fast, well coordinated, and have a cannon for an arm. She made the move to be catcher (I shouldn't have told her that's what I played) and loves smoking baserunners.

Fast forward 4 years and now she's just a middle of the road player. She hasn't bought in to practice and seems to think you're simply born good and can't get better. I've tried everything, logical reasoning, practicing with her, sending her to camps, etc. She simply has no fire. Once a game starts she does her best to win and is very emotionally tied up in it, but she has zero desire to put any effort in at practice, let alone work or play catch with me outside of practice. It's extremely frustrating to watch her make mistakes that she should have corrected years ago, but it's out of anyone's hands but hers.

I've considered pulling her out, but after speaking with her coach decided not to. We discussed her situation and he said she would simply start riding the pine if there was a better player available. Turns out that she sat for a couple of the games last season. Of course this tore her up and she cried about it. Mom & I explained that the coach has to do what's best for the team, and that we would be more than happy to help her become a better player. She tearfully admitted she wanted to keep playing softall and would like the help over the summer.

Fast forward through a long summer and now we've already had our first official team softball practice. What did we accomplish over the summer?

1. Bought her all new catcher gear & bag (she had been using the team gear and we needed our own to practice over the summer)
2. Bought her a new bat (outgrew her old one)
3. Had 1 practice where she and I worked on her hitting and throwing
4. Went to the batting cage 1 time
5. Played catch 1 time

Basically we completely geared her up and it made no difference. Hundreds of bucks down the drain because everytime I would suggest we go practice she didn't want to. I finally told her she had no choice, we were going to practice and it was a big mistake. She learned nothing, but no effort forth, and all I did was get frustrated. We would have been better off not practicing. That was when I finally realized it was pointless. She wants to be good, but simply won't put the effort in. If that's the way she wants it, I can't change it.

Hopefully she will finally figure it out. If she ever wants to practice or learn I'll be there ready to help. Until then I'll be the parent in the stands biting my tongue as his daughter continues to coast through another season of softball. Fortunately the coach has no qualms about benching her if he needs to, so at least she won't get rewarded with playing time just for showing up. Going to softball games is no longer fun for me as I can't sit there and watch her "have fun" without feeling my blood pressure skyrocket. I can only hope that whatever happens (gives up or gets on board) it happens quick. It almost makes me nauseous watching her coast through it all.

 

[Coach JV]

Dear Old Guy:
Welcome to the forum. Your bloodpressure skyrocketing is a common denominator
around here. Take your chair and move away from the bleachers so you can rant
out of earshot of other parents. Although you may be a 'crazy parent' the others need not know.
Come here and rant as much as you want. We are like your AA support group.

As far as DD goes, we have all dumped dollars like you on our kids. You are not alone

 

[sluggers]

Old Guy (perhaps I should refer to myself as 'Older Guy.]'...)

First, congratulations for letting the coach sit her on the bench. It was good for her.

Use this as a way to teach a life lesson. The lesson is, "If you want to excel at something, you have to work your a** off, no matter how talented you are."

The way to excel at anything, whether it is math or softball, is:

(1) Select a target, whether it is softball, cello, or French literature.
(2) Find out what it takes to excel.
(3) Plan how to get there.
(4) Execute the plan
(5) Get continual OBJECTIVE feedback from others about your progress.

First, you have to get over the "is this what you want do" issue. It is her life, it isn't yours. If she decides that she wants to be "good" at softball, then you should support her. If she just wants to play it for fun, then that is OK also. But, you should insist that she be finding something she loves to do.

It might help to have someone OTHER THAN YOU has to tell her what she needs to do. Take her to a D1 softball game, find the starting D1 catcher after the game and ask her for a few minutes to talk. Have the D1 catcher tell your DD what she (the D1 catcher) had to do to become good. Your DD will be embarrassed and whine about it, but what else is new?

Then, you ask her what she wants. If she says, "I want to be that good. I want to do that," then you say, "Well, she told you what you have to do. If you don't do it, you will never be as good as you can be, and you won't get a chance to do it."

If she says, "OK, I'll do the work." Then, that is the way you approach practice. I.e., "You said you wanted to be as good as the D1 catcher," and when she starts whining you say, "You made this commitment. This is what you have to do if you want something like being a D1 catcher."

The other thing is to always help her keep her dream alive and keep it exciting. Take her to D1 softball games, and read her articles out of the local paper. Tell her stuff like, "We'll be reading about you in a couple of years" and "You'll look great in a college uniform."

That will get her out for practices, and then you have to make the practices fun and challenging.

 

[Old Guy]

As for flipping out in the stands I don't do that. I bottle it up and let the tension loose at the gym or on a bike ride. I've seen parents act like fools and I refuse to embarrass myself, family, and daughter's team like that. I can embarrass them enough in general, I don't need to do it at sporting events as well.

Sluggers, those concepts are tried and true among many athletes, but even those didn't phase my DD. We sent her to a catcher camp which was run by D1 softball players and coaches. She was awestruck and excited every day she went. As soon as the camp was over her interest in softball plummeted back to zero. I'd ask her what she learned and about the only thing she could remember was how to frame a pitch (ridiculous to teach 11 year olds, but that's another topic). I'd offer to go play catch, pitch to her, or work on her batting and she didn't want to.

After years I've finally just accepted that she's simply a "for fun only" player. The final straw was that at the start of the summer she got her new bat and we told her "anytime you want to go to the cages just say the word". She only asked once all summer. I mean, what kid doesn't want to go to the cages with an old bat, let alone a brand spanking new one? Anyway, thanks for the support. My misery enjoys your company.

Quick question, I thought I replied in the other thread. Did I do something wrong when posting?

 

[Amy in AZ.]

You didn't do anything wrong. You just started a new thread. Actually, I thought you did it right, so that you didn't ambush the original topic.

Just click Post Quick Reply, next time.

 

[obbay]

At least you are not alone! I am wrestling with the concept oif DD becoming a "recreational player" only. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just frustrating to give up and waste the potential.

We're not at that point yet, but I think that's where the road is leading. I want to concentrate the effort where it is best for her, not for me.

Her little sister, on the other hand, is an animal and will keep me busy for a long time. She ALWAYS wants to practice or play.

 

[SamG]

Wow, I think I could have written that. After a few "heart to heart"/"Come to Jesus" sessions w/DD about what she wants to do, she's gotten more enthused about practices. In fact, I think she LOVES team practices, it's practicing with me she doesn't like.

BTW, my DD just turned 12.

 

[sluggers]

Old guy: I moved your post to a new thread. What you wrote was interesting and worth discussing on its own.

If she isn't interested, she isn't interested. She should find something she loves...it could be a different sport.

 

[Old Guy]

Ah, thanks sluggers. Now I know I'm not going crazy.

We've always let our kids pick their own activities (we don't force them into anything) and we only have 2 rules:

No overlapping sports (We have 2 kids in a sport already, I can't imagine 2 kids in 2 sports each)
If you start a season you must finish the season

Through the years she's been in dance, soccer, basketball, and softball. She's enjoyed them all and excelled early in all of them, but has never shown the desire to improve. Though she's played multiple seasons in each sport, she calls softball her favorite and has stopped the others. I mistakenly thought that was the spark of the fire. I was wrong. She plays strictly for fun and I'm learning that's just fine.

 

[jacketsfan]

I have 3 kids who have played, who are now a rising 12th grade, 10th grade, and 8th grade. The oldest started out uncoordinated as could be, but worked her butt off to get as good as possible. The middle one is the strongest of the 3, has the strongest arm, and can hit the farthest. The youngest has the best pure swing, has hit very well with no effort since she was about 7, and has a strong arm.

So, the youngest quit softball at about 12, because it just wasn't interesting any more. Just killed me, because she really had an easy, effective swing and a strong arm. Just never really liked it all that much.

The middle also quit about a year ago, because the ultra-competitveness of it wore her out. Also was a drag, because she is a big (5-10), strong kid who can really connect.

The oldest, who was born with the least ability, can't breathe without playing at the highest possible competitive level. She has worked 10 times as hard as the other two, and has turned herself into a player. She, I am happy to say, just verballed this week.

They are who they are. I wish the other 2 stuck with it. Watching the oldest go through the recruiting process made them miss it some, but not lots. They just don't live for the competition like the oldest. Nothing wrong with it - they have found other things to focus on. Still, they could sure hit........