what would you do?

[softball_chic_12]

fall ball around here is relaxing. its a laid back atmosphere. a chance to learn new skills and postions or improve on your skills. I was asked to play 14 & under or 18 & under. i couldn't play both because the games, which are double headers, would be the same day and times.
I wanted to develop as a pitcher over this fall ball season and the 14 & under would give me a lot more pitching opportunities and i wanted to play for that coach more than anything. he's by far my favorite coach.

the first day of practice went great. we were getting back into the swing of things.

the second day of practice wasn't so great. A girl that doesn't like me, nor do i like her, showed up. she has a bad reputation, hates me, hates athourity, hates that i'm the captain, and was banned from school affiliated activities at 11 years old. she's now 15. the coach didn't know much about her.

during drink breaks i talked to my mom. we both agreed that we didn't want me playing with her. i know the season isn't long but we can't even be around each other for 5 mins. The coach noticed my tension and my mom and i whispering and talking to the side a lot. he asked if something was wrong. i asked if the girl was on the team. he said yes. i said ok and went off to practice. while i was practicing he talked to my mom and asked what was wrong. my mom explained the situation and how we hated doing this to him, but we'd gladly leave without a word. during the next break my mom said about calling to see if the 18 & under team would take me. i knew they were struggling to find players so i told her not to call because maybe we can work something out here. Against my request, she called the 18 & under coaches and explained the situation. they were happy to take me. by the end of the practice, the little insignificant news was spread aroud the whole county.

at the end of the practice we talked to the 14 & under coach. after we told him bits of her history he remembered exactly who she was. he said i was on the team for the right reasons and she wasnt. He'd be glad to tell her she isn't able to play and would tell her that since she isn't ASA certified it wouldn't work out becuase until she got certified, the season would be over. Then i could stay.

When i got home we talked to my dad. i had 3 options. play both games at the 14 & udner level, play both games at the 18 & under level, or play one game at each level. my dad said what i knew was the right thing to do. he said "the coach is going through all of this for you. he wants you to play. you need to stick by him." our family agreed that i would play both games at the 14 & under level and if for some reason we didn't have a game, i would gladly help out with the 18 & under level. Then the phone rang. it was the 18 & under coach. He asked what the decision was. My mom told him i was staying with the 14 & under level. if my mom didn't call them until we were sure it wouldn't work out at the 14 & under level, we wouldn't have gotten their hopes up and crushed them. the whole night, the phone was ringing with people from all over asking what my decision was.

I found out that one of my younger teammates on the 14 & under team looks up to me. I have inspired her. She's trying out for the tournament organization i play for and if i went up to the 18 & under level, she would go up too. she wants to be where i am. I'm completely flattered by that. I didn't realize it until i went to sleep that night, i am completely happy with my decision.

what would you have done if you or your DD was put into this situation? What would you advise your DD to do? What would you have done if she wanted to do the opposite of what you wanted her to do?

 

[jacketsfan]

That's a tough situation. However, i can tell you that my DD has not joined a team previously for a very similar situation.

As I say all the time, life is too short to put yourself into situations that don't make you happy. You only get so many heartbeats on this earth, and none of us know how many that is going to be. Stay away from situations and people that make you unhappy, do right by others, and stay focused on your personal goals.

If you are sleeping well, and are completely happy with your decision, then I think you know that you made the right choice.

 

[Wookie]

As a coach, as soon as you and your mother brought up the issues with the other player, that happened 4 years ago, that not only would have raised a red flag for that girl, but for you as well. For all you know she may have matured. I would have given her a second chance, but told the entire team, like I do every year at the beginning, that any issues between players and/or families will not spill over onto my team and would be dealt with appropriately, including possible dismissal from the team for everyone involved. To me you have shown that it's all about you and not the team, even for a short season of fall ball. If I caved in to every player and parent's desire then I would lose controll of the team quickly.

A situation very similar happened to me this fall. A girl showed up for try outs and another parent had to have a "talk" with me about the new girl. I told the parent that any previous problems were none of my concern, but if any trouble started I would not tolerate it - from either side. That obviously stunned the parent, but he/she also realized that I was in charge and would not put up with any problems. I'm sure it got around to the other parents, which is perfectly fine by me. I do not anticipate any issues with parents complaining about playing time or positions because of this, and that's the way it should be.

 

[Ivy's Dad]

Every situation is different, and it sounds like the "problem child" on your 14U team would have made life difficult for everyone on the team. It seems that the coach did the right thing not taking her on the team.

My DD had a similar but much more minor situation recently. This fall she is playing for a new team. Before the first game, the lead-off hitter says very loudly so the whole team can hear "I'm batting first, I wonder who's batting last, I bet it's Ivy". Needless to say, my DD was not very fond of that girl at that moment. My DD did not bat last, but she did bat near the bottom of the batting order. She went 1 for 2, with a strike out and a line drive single to right field (1 RBI). Miss Lead-Off Hitter went 0 for 3.

For the second game, my DD was 3rd in the batting order. She went 2 for 2 (1 RBI) plus a walk (0.800 on base percentage after two games). After the second game, my DD told me that Miss Lead-Off Hitter was her friend now. I try to teach my DD that the best way to shut someone up is to play well. Insulting someone who's playing well just makes the person doing the insulting look foolish. Easier said than done, I know, but it works well when you can pull it off.

 

[stephanie]

I gotta disagree...

YOU have two teams you could play for.
SHE has one.

Go play on the team she CAN'T play on.
Going back to the 14U team seems a bit vindictive, because you know that means she won't be on it.
But to basically say "I'll play 14U as long as the coach kicks her off" sounds like a power grab, as well as a jab at the other girl. You two obviously have a personality conflict, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a chance to play ball...
I suggest you move on.

 

[sluggers]

what would you have done if you or your DD was put into this situation?

Nothing. It is not my freaking game. I probably would have made some really sarcastic comment like, "Gee, how unusual that you might have to work with someone you don't like. Adults never have to do that."

What would you advise your DD to do?

I would have told her, "Shut up and play. You don't have to love your teammates. You don't have to like your teammates. You have to work with your teammates."

But, what do I know? Just because one of my kids was all-conference D1 pitcher and the other kid has an NCAA championship ring probably doesn't mean I know anything about teams, teenage girls, athletes or coaches.

Let's be real: Your coach isn't very good. Why? Anyone who let a child convince him to kick a player off the team isn't suitable to coach a team.

What would you have done if she wanted to do the opposite of what you wanted her to do?

At 15 YOA, let her do what she wanted to do. It is time to let you grow up and live with your mistakes.

 

[jacketsfan]

I have to disagree some with you folks. I suppose it depends upon the nature of the conflict, what precipitated it, and whether the one player (in this case the OP) was already on my team, and the trouble-maker player was an add-on. In effect, who was there first.

My DD gets along with everyone, except for one girl that we know. This girl literally makes threats to her, threatens her friends, calls her boyfriend and offers to sleep with him (at age 15!), etc, etc. This particular girl has not singled out only my DD - she has a hate list of 10 or so people that she does this stuff to. One of my DD's best friends has a physical disability that is extremely painful, limits her mobility (she is physically handicapped) and has required several painful surgeries. Before the onset of this disease, my DD's friend was an athlete. This particular trouble kid girl has told my DD's friend that she should kill herself and get it over with, and this 'advice' was not a joke - she actually meant it. My DD has had to talk her friend in off the ledge of despair a few times. So, this girl is trouble with a capital T.

So, this girl showed up to try out for a team my DD was on one summer. She is actually a very good player, and would fill a need we had on the team. My DD told me she would leave the team if the girl was invited to join. I supported her in that decision - we were not going to be around that situation. However, my DD went to the coach, explained the situation, and he decided it was better to keep the team he had rather than add this new player and lose a current, well-liked, member of the team.

If that seems childish or immature, so be it. In this situation, though, I feel it was the right thing to do. Had he accepted this player onto the team, we would have left. We would have done it quietly, and we wouldn't have made a scene over it, but we absolutely would have left, and it would have been the right thing to do.

So, I suppose it depends upon the situation. In our case, this is not being left off the invite list to a birthday party stuff. This is real-life, dangerous, restraining order stuff. Maybe you folks don't know anyone that you fear will literally show up at school one day and start shooting people. We do know someone like that, and there is no way my DD will play TB with her.

SBchic - I would not expect you to go into the kind of details I did above. In fact, I would urge you not to. Only you know the situation. However, with my perspective as outlined above, when you ended by saying you sleep well at night, I figured you to be the best judge of the situation.

 

[Ivy's Dad]

the second day of practice wasn't so great. A girl that doesn't like me, nor do i like her, showed up. she has a bad reputation, hates me, hates athourity, hates that i'm the captain, and was banned from school affiliated activities at 11 years old. she's now 15. the coach didn't know much about her.

Every situation is different. The fact that this "problem child" was banned from school affiliated activities tells me that we're not talking about normal insults, teasing, etc. To be banned from school activities is usually a pretty high threshold. This indicates to me that this "problem child" is a toxic individual, and not someone I would want my DD interacting with. It is true that we don't have to like everyone we work/play with, but we also shouldn't have to work/play in fear. Life is too short to willingly place ourselves or our DDs in that type of situation. From my persepective, the "problem child" earned the result of this from her past behavior. I believe softball_chic_12, her parents, and the coach did the right thing. YMMV.

 

[sluggers]

As to "banned from school activities" at 11 YOA--she would have been in 6th grade. What would she have been banned from? Lunch? Field trips? Additionally, it was four years ago. At what point do you say, "11 YOA kids are stupid. Give her a chance."

Ultimately, it doesn't matter--the truth is that good coaches don't let players pick players.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I just think that it is too bad that certain subjects like this, and the assistant coach thread, plays out on a website. I have seen these things get back to the person that is being talked about and then, there is trouble for all involved.

I am surprised by the number of people that I see on the weekends that know what I posted here.