Managing expectations

the true softball dad abides

The important point to remember is that it's all about INCREMENTAL improvements. I can remember the first time my DD tried to catch a softball at 5YO and it was a disaster. But you work with them and eventually they know how to catch the ball. Focus on the journey (not the destination), set small achievable goals, and believe in the process. I think getting good instruction with lots of reps, practice is the key to learning an athletic movement, whether its fielding, hitting, throwing, pitching, etc. Lastly, she is 8yo, make sure she is having fun, enjoy the time, it goes by soooo fast!

pattar said:

Thanks. Yeah she isn't going to be a pitcher or catcher..that would kill me.

The second point is a good one and something I need to work on I think...my wife tells me this all the time. I guess I should listen.

For the third point she plays 10U now so I know what 10U looks like..and then I forget quickly..

With regards to your fourth point like I have said previously, for the most part none of this angst is imparted back to my kid. Luckily her coach has long meetings after games so if I didn't like the way she played I have plenty of time to relax and move on. She enjoys playing a lot, is always wondering when the next tournament is going to be and loves going to work with me and her younger brother at the field. What I would like is for ME to enjoy her games..I guess it is kind of selfish in a way. I actually didn't go to one of her tournaments this summer because of all of this but she told me afterwards that she wanted me to be there so I went to the rest of them.

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I'm going to be blunt...It's very selfish that you're not enjoying them.

Read this again...

marriard said:

...you may need to make the mental shift of it being her game - not yours. Her 'not-perfect' form is not a reflection on you. Her successes and failures are not yours - they are hers. She is 8 - she is physically not capable of performing some skills or making some throws and she certainly hasn't had time to learn even the basics of the game.

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I would bet that no one wants your DD to be perfect on the field more than she does. She wants to make all the plays and hit the ball hard every time. However, learning how to handle the times when she isn't perfect or made a mistake is one of the most important lessons this game teaches. If I recall, this was a lesson that you struggled with yourself.

When you go to a game, you get to see your awesome kid do something that she loves. Whether she has a great game or a lousy one, she still loves it. As it's turning out, she's getting pretty good at it. Her successes and failures are all part of the process of her learning to be a better player. The failures are just as important as the successes...maybe more so.

As for progress with hitting, looking for big improvements in the short term will wreck you. You're still early on the road, so there's not a lot to look back on yet, but try to find some video from as far back as you can, and look at the improvements. Sure, the list of things that are still available to improve is long...but so is the road ahead.

When I put this together a few months ago, it put a lot of this into focus for me...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWg4DhnR_u8


EDIT: If you feel compelled to compare your DD to Trout, Lindor, etc., fine. Compare her to them when they were 8yo.

pattar said:

I am just looking for ways to somehow manufacture some of those rose colored glasses I see many softball parents wearing.

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Try this. Buy a score keeping book, and use it. I think this will adjust your focus more on the game, and not so much on your DD.

Also, there are no points for style in softball... focus on results. If she's making plays and getting hits, that is what matters, you shouldn't need rose colored goggles to appreciate that. Let her develop her own "style", not mimic some MLB player. Even Lindor wouldn't look like Lindor if he played fast pitch softball... it's a different game.

Finally, if none of the above helps, start binge watching college softball, and work on a new "ideal" for you to irrationally obsess over. At least it would be based on the sport your DD is actually playing.

I had a long post all typed up and the page crashed and it was gone. Then Eric's post popped up. Marriard and Eric nailed it. At least you acknowledge you have issues, because IMO you do. Try focusing on these two things at games: #1 did she do the best she can do? I am sure she didn't "not look like a better player" on purpose. #2. did she have fun? I have seen many parents kill a kids interest in playing, and poof they quit. They are just done. Don't be that parent.

edit to add....one thing that stood out to me was you said "if i didn't like the way she played" that you had time to think about it and calm down. I hope years from now you look back at this and look at it as what it is. It is a priviledge that you get to share this softball life and softball journey with your DD. Before you know it, it is over. Mine leaves for college in three days. Her softball journey is over. Seems like yesterday that I went to Walmart and bought her her first glove and bat. Yes the cheap rear pink glove, because I didn't know any better. I think reading this stuff......how can you not like the way she played? Yes she may have made mistakes. Yes she may have not looked great. She is 8 years old. 8 years old. She should be making mistakes. Hope you get these feelings under control. Enjoy the ride. I sit here today, jealous that you have an 8 year old. Good luck.

Eric F said:

She wants to make all the plays and hit the ball hard every time. However, learning how to handle the times when she isn't perfect or made a mistake is one of the most important lessons this game teaches. If I recall, this was a lesson that you struggled with yourself.

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The rest of the post was spot on but I am going to focus on this. To be honest my DD is 1000 times better at the bolded then I ever was, even in college.I am very very grateful about this and probably should
thank my wife since my DD obviously didn't get her temperament from me. At her age I would flip out when I struckout, etc and to be honest I should have been benched over and over but wasn't because, to be frank, I was good. My behavior and attitude were horrible. I love my father but he screwed up with me in that regards.

I have improved my outward behavior big time since I started all of this with her, internally I am still struggling.

Il softball fan said:

I think reading this stuff......how can you not like the way she played?

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Because I have mental issues which I suspect border on OCD-like behavior?? That was the whole point of this thread.. Before I had kids I was able to channel all of that
into my research where the only person who suffered was my wife due to my 80 hour work weeks. Now it has come full circle to some extent and I feel
similar things as to when I played but I am not playing anymore.

I feel like garbage about the whole thing because I know it is stupid of me but I am having a hell of a time figuring
out what I need to do. I probably shouldn't have started this thread to begin with because while all of the posts have been pretty much spot on, I already know how dumb it is of
me and this is just something I need to figure out on my own I guess. I consider myself to be a semi-intelligent human being and to not have figured this stuff out by now is very
frustrating.

I want to echo the sentiments to ENJOY the time you spend with your dd. From 8 to 11 is very special period at least based on my dd. At 9 she was playing rec all stars and if the coach canceled practice she begged me to take her up to the field and practice. At 10 and 11 we bought a winter membership to a local batting cage. We would go and before we left she would be wanting to know when we could schedule another session.
I was terrible at helping her. She wanted to hit off the pitching machine and see how fast of pitching she could hit. She hated tee work and i wouldn't make her do it. I let her develop some very bad habits. She worked hard and with her hard work, dfp, and a good hitting instructor she has developed into an excellent hitter. She still has work to do but she is now a good enough hitter to reach her goal of playing college softball. The best part of all of this is the time we spent together at that age. You are her favorite male in the world. You only get a short time to play that role. Enjoy it. There will be plenty of walk off hits and game saving catches in her future but you can never get this time back.
I know you only want what's best for her and sometimes we let that go to far. Coming back from a tournament when DD was 13 I was telling her how she needed to do things this way and other things that way. DD looked at me in the car and said "I am not the same person as you. You cant expect me to do everything like you would do it." I have never forgot that conversation and dd still reminds me of it from time to time. It was an important message for me to hear.

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softball dad 6 said:

DD looked at me in the car and said "I am not the same person as you. You cant expect me to do everything like you would do it." I have never forgot that conversation and dd still reminds me of it from time to time. It was an important message for me to hear.

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My DD isn't old enough to verbalize that but my wife tells me that all the time...she gets to hear all of the stuff I want to say to my DD but don't because I know I shouldn't...

Here's a thought along the lines of wheresmycar had. Score the games on GameChanger or similar programs. That way it also helps the team and coaches out as well. You'll be too engaged trying to figure out if that was a Triple, or a single with a 2 base error