Spoiled Brat

[laker]

My DD was "that kid" this weekend and I don't know how to handle it. For the second time this Summer, she's let her emotions get the better of her. She's a super competitive kid in everything she does, whether it's school or sports. She is a 2nd year 12U playing up at 14U on a decent club team, batting third (maybe not for long), playing nearly every inning in the field. Normally catches, but a recent injury keeps her from playing there.

In the early rounds of the tournament she made the play every time she had an opportunity. She had two clutch hits in an early pool game, one to tie the game with two outs in the bottom of the last inning, the other a walk off hit under International Tiebreaker. As the tournament went on her hitting dropped off. On Sunday she went 0-7 and made an error at second base that let in the other teams only run of the game. (She did have an RBI, and hit the ball hard a couple times for outs, moved runners over a time or two... so it wasn't ALL bad.)

Here's the thing. Everybody knows you can't be perfect all the time, except her I guess. She had the defeatist attitude, I could see it in her body language. She was crying in the dugout, acting like a spoiled little brat. Her team WON the tournament and she couldn't be happy for her team. All she could think about was herself and not playing perfectly. Honestly, it was embarrassing to watch. It was a long, silent hour and a half drive home.

How do you deal with this?

 

[GunnerShotgun]

If the team had extra players I would have grabbed my daughter and taken her home. The team comes first.

 

[sluggers]

Everyone has bad days. However, she needs to learn how to deal with them.

This is simply adolescent counseling 101:

1) Give a name for her feelings. In this case, she was frustrated.
2) Acknowledge that she feels bad for playing poorly.
3) Back off and give her a chance to process her feelings. Young kids get confused with feelings. Let her work through this a little on her own.
4) After she and you cool down, talk to her about appropriate ways to express her feelings. I.e., crying in front of teammates is bad. Expressing her frustration to you (a family member/close friend) is OK.
5) Bring up the positives so she has a more accurate view of her performance.
6) Discuss how she could do better next time.
7) Then, move on.

If the team had extra players I would have grabbed my daughter and taken her home. The team comes first.

That is ridiculous.

 

[Slappers]

There is a lot going there. I coach a 16u team that has players that could be on 14u teams. The older girls and the younger girls don't really vibe well. Not saying that is what is going on here but something to look at.

How did/do you react to her error that let the run in? I have also noticed that the younger girls on the team have the most pressure put on them by their parents to perform.

My youngest DD is the same way. I can read her body language like no other. She puts more pressure on her self and feels everything falls on her. When the team plays well, she pitches well. When the team starts acting stupid, she starts acting stupid. It's tough to figure out how to deal with her but I had to learn how to communicate with her when she goes into this mode. Not sure I have yet but we are getting better. Mainly I just let her know it's ok to have a bad day just like it is ok for someone on the team to have a bad day. It happens.

Once I realized that my kids handle things differently than I do and are not spitting images of me, it became a lot easier teach them lessons in situations like these.

 

[laker]

How did/do you react to her error that let the run in? I have also noticed that the younger girls on the team have the most pressure put on them by their parents to perform.

I sit well down the foul line, or in the outfield. I try to keep my body language neutral, and I don't yell or coach from there. Sometimes I cheer when things are going well for the team. But, if I can read her body language so easily, I have a feeling she can read mine. She did have a peek out there and I just shrugged when she looked out. She's a 13 year old girl, and I'm a 45 year old man. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand what's going on in her mind.

 

[pizza-boy01]

I'd try not to be too tough on her. Sounds as if she's a pretty huge part of her team; both defensively and with the bat. Along with that comes a tremendous amount of pressure (some external, but mostly self-implied). Most 13 yo are ill-equipped to deal with these feelings, both physically and emotionally (as are the majority of their parents!). That's not to say this kind of behavior shouldn't be addressed. Just that dealing with these feelings appropriately is a learning process, just like fielding and hitting. I don't believe its necessarily exposed some inherent flaw in your teenager's character

One thing I'd be careful about is applying any more pressure than she's already feeling, even if you're not doing it intentionally. As Slappers stated, kids this age can be very sensitive to their parents emotions. If she senses your embarrassment, regardless of whether its with her play or her behavior afterwards, its not going to help matters. Sometimes positivity, even in the face of reality, can do wonders. Kind of a "fake-it til you make-it" strategy.

On a positive note, major props for the 90 minutes of silence on the ride home. That's something I continually struggle with, even after having 3 DDs in travel ball.

 

[RetiredCoach]

I've often noticed that the kids who melt down are the ones that have the most pressure, usually inadvertently, put upon them by their parents. The kids almost invariably reflect the attitude of their parents. I would suggest that you closely examine your interaction with your DD and see if, maybe, this is the case.

As for the 90 minute ride home, find something enjoyable to discuss. Forget the game, it's over. You're disappointed. She's disappointed. Move on into something more pleasant for the both of you.

One other thing to consider, did your DD get hurt? My DDs don't always let me know when they are hurt because they are afraid I'll pull them from a game.

 

[GunnerShotgun]

Everyone has bad days. However, she needs to learn how to deal with them.

This is simply adolescent counseling 101:

1) Give a name for her feelings. In this case, she was frustrated.
2) Acknowledge that she feels bad for playing poorly.
3) Back off and give her a chance to process her feelings. Young kids get confused with feelings. Let her work through this a little on her own.
4) After she and you cool down, talk to her about appropriate ways to express her feelings. I.e., crying in front of teammates is bad. Expressing her frustration to you (a family member/close friend) is OK.
5) Bring up the positives so she has a more accurate view of her performance.
6) Discuss how she could do better next time.
7) Then, move on.



That is ridiculous.

Really? I suppose everyone raises their kids a little different, and perhaps we both read that post different ways.

If my child was acting like a spoiled brat in public (softball or no softball) it will be dealt with by me, the parent. Now within the context of softball, and you see this all the time, a good player acting like a knucklehead during a tournament and it's left unchecked by coaches and parents.

Perhaps it's bracket play and you don't have a good alternate for a sub so you just have to eat it as a coach and deal with it after the tournament. Perhaps you make the moral stand but it punishes the team as you are weaker with that player on the bench or in the parking lot. I have seen it go down multiple ways.

Perhaps your 7 steps of 'Adolescent Counseling 101' resolves the issue, but that's a bit naive in my opinion. As others have pointed out the issue is more likely the result of a bigger issue for that child.

I am sure that everyone read that post and put it in context of their teams and their age group so your millage will vary.

I am just saying that if that was my daughter, she would be in the parking lot (with the coaches blessing of course).

Respect the game and your teammates.

 

[laker]

"As for the 90 minute ride home, find something enjoyable to discuss. Forget the game, it's over. You're disappointed. She's disappointed. Move on into something more pleasant for the both of you."

She put her headphones on and her head in a book. So, that made it easier.

"I've often noticed that the kids who melt down are the ones that have the most pressure, usually inadvertently, put upon them by their parents."

Yes, you are right. I need to look at our relationship and get that in check, somehow.

Thanks all

 

[CoogansBluff]

It's what kids do. It's why they need parents. They're immature. They don't always handle situations well. You teach them. No need to be mad or embarrassed about, IMO. Let them know a better way to handle it and what the consequences will be if they don't.