How to get off the softball roller coaster?

[plsjms94]

I'd really appeciate advice from any parents who have "been there, done that" and were able to change or spouses who survived.

DH is on the softball roller coaster with our oldest DD. She's 17, rising senior, plays 18U gold on a well-known, established east coast organization that has a reputation for sending players to college. She is a strong defensive player, fast hands, but inconsistent hitter (either really on or really off). loves the game, and is always told by coaches that she has a great attitude and work ethic. She loves to play, but also likes to have fun. I guess that can sometimes come across as goofy or unfocused - it drives DH crazy. DH thinks she could play D1 at a smaller school; I think she is more suited to a D2 or 3 where she can have a balance of softball and college experience.

The issue is the up and down attitude from DH based on the most recent game, inning, play, at bat, etc. If she did well - she's great, working hard, everything is sunshine and roses. If she has an error, strikes out, grounds out, has a lazy fly ball, she's not working, is lazy, will be waiting tables because he's not helping her pay for college. About a year and a half ago she quit playing completely because she couldn't handle the constant fighting with him over softball; they didn't speak unless it was an absolute necessity for 3 months. She decided to go back and play for herslf, made a good team, and is talking to a few small D1 schools and a couple of D3s. DH was better for a while, but is starting to show the old signs of the roller coaster ride again. Today she bobbled a ball in the outfield. When he talked to her after the game he said she had an attitude and he doesn't care if she plays or not. This moodiness is affecting his relationship with the DD, our other DD who also plays softball, and our marriage. The biggest arguements we've ever had have been over softball - sometimes I wish we'd never heard of travel ball. I'm tired of being stuck in the middle and dealing with his moodiness.

Does anyone have any advice?

 

[nanotech14]

video tape him and show him how he acts.Then have your dd sit down and either write down on a piece of paper how she feels and what it is doing to her and their relationship or have her put it down on video.good luck

 

[Atlantabell]

I have seen so many parents make this mistake with their daughters. I think the thing that most of these dads ( and/or moms) don't realize is the window of time to have your daughter home with you will be closed in the blink of an eye. Does he REALLY want all her memories of him to be arguing about softball? Besides, the fighting NEVER helps, it just makes the kid hate the sport. I like the idea of video taping him or having your daughter write down her thoughts. Show him some pictures of her when she was young and make him realize that she is growing up and will soon be out of the house.

Our daughter is a rising senior, and even though we had a good relationship and we didn't argue about softball, I wish we had relaxed and enjoyed it more. It flies by so fast, and next year is the LAST YEAR we will see her play. How I would LOVE to have those early softball days back. She does softball because she WANTS to do it. Another thing you can do is ask him if he would like you and your daughter to come watch him at work and critique everything he does.

It seems he is feeling the pressure of where she plays in college. He needs to understand that it is the college that is most important and the softball is secondary. If all he worries about is if she does D1 or not, he is making a huge mistake. Some of my happiest former players are those who play D2 and D3 ball. The long term goal is the college diploma, not to play softball professionally.
Is there someone he really respects who can talk to him? How about her coach? Maybe a former player might be able to sit with him and get him straight.

 

[GOINGDEEP]

I'm going through this right now. Of coarse we all dream of DD driving in the winning run for the WCWS!! We all spend countless hours and mucho money trying to make this happen. We travel far and wide for 10 years following "the dream".

DD is doing the college exposure and camp run now. ( 16 ) She has had some good interests in her and met some current college players for advice, and I've really seen her wheels turning and had some deep conversations as to her thoughts. I try very hard to listen and remember this is her future, not mine.

I've noticed she is really pondering going far off to college. Our whole family lives within 45 mins of each other. ( aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents ) We have always been a tight knit bunch. She is really considering taking a private D2 offer ( hour away ) or even a Juco offer ( 20 mins away ). She, for now, has decided to get her pre-coarses ( 50 hours ) out of the way and play FP and then give up softball to apply to Dental school.

The first few times she "talked" to me about it I rambled on and on, "what about softball". I've really tried to change and remember she's not going to play forever and I've got to come to grips with that fact. I've also tried to grip that her success as a person does not hang on which college classification she plays for. Basically, I need to be happy for her and her choices, and be happy for the years of this great sport, and be happy for ALL the memories together.

My brother and I played D1, and besides being able to "say" that, it really matters very little to anyone.

I've got my DD's high school senior year coming up, and at least 2 years of college level ball. I'm not going to worry who or where she plays, I'm going to enjoy every minute of it and love my last few years of DD at home.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I have never seen a divorce over softball, but I have seen situations where I thought, mom should have taken the kids and ran, truthfully. In the 2 circumstances that I recall, the marriage never survived the "empty nest." Good luck.

 

[sluggers]

Obviously, the problem isn't softball. He needs help to understand what the real issue is.

I was that way for a while, but luckily, I ran into an old softball guy who broke me of it. He told me, in very simple and plain language, that I was being an idiot.

DH thinks she could play D1 at a smaller school; I think she is more suited to a D2 or 3 where she can have a balance of softball and college experience.

Read what you wrote. It doesn't matter what you want or what your DH wants. It isn't your life. If you or DH force her to do something she doesn't want to do (and "force" includes "persuading against DD's better judgment"), it will be a disaster.

If she truly loves playing and competing at softball, then she should play D1. If she is willing to put in the time and effort, it is an experience that only a very people every get an opportunity to do. She will have to sacrifice...and that usually means one or two years after college getting her life straightened out.

If her focus is more on getting a good education and getting a job after college, then she should focus on D3 or D2 schools.


What you should do is:
1) help your DD understand what she really wants
2) help her find schools that offer what she wants
3) help her understand the pluses and minuses of each and
4) let her make the final decision.

 

[Cannonball]

The majority of kids playing D-I softball are not going to the WCWS. The majority of programs at the D-I level have never been to the WCWS. People want to run around and brag that their child is a D-I athlete. Well, mine is D-II and guess what? She is happy. It sounds to me like your husband is fighting the battle with your daughter to make sure she wears that D-I tag. It isn't about him as sluggers stated. It is about her.

You stated that she decided to come back to the game. You have to speak up and tell DH that he is missing a great experience with dd. As for you and dd, you can help her out a lot by saying 4 positive remarks OR MORE to any negative remark. This will show her that you notice she is working hard.

 

[chinamigarden]

I'd really appeciate advice from any parents who have "been there, done that" and were able to change or spouses who survived.

DH is on the softball roller coaster with our oldest DD. She's 17, rising senior, plays 18U gold on a well-known, established east coast organization that has a reputation for sending players to college. She is a strong defensive player, fast hands, but inconsistent hitter (either really on or really off). loves the game, and is always told by coaches that she has a great attitude and work ethic. She loves to play, but also likes to have fun. I guess that can sometimes come across as goofy or unfocused - it drives DH crazy. DH thinks she could play D1 at a smaller school; I think she is more suited to a D2 or 3 where she can have a balance of softball and college experience.

The issue is the up and down attitude from DH based on the most recent game, inning, play, at bat, etc. If she did well - she's great, working hard, everything is sunshine and roses. If she has an error, strikes out, grounds out, has a lazy fly ball, she's not working, is lazy, will be waiting tables because he's not helping her pay for college. About a year and a half ago she quit playing completely because she couldn't handle the constant fighting with him over softball; they didn't speak unless it was an absolute necessity for 3 months. She decided to go back and play for herslf, made a good team, and is talking to a few small D1 schools and a couple of D3s. DH was better for a while, but is starting to show the old signs of the roller coaster ride again. Today she bobbled a ball in the outfield. When he talked to her after the game he said she had an attitude and he doesn't care if she plays or not. This moodiness is affecting his relationship with the DD, our other DD who also plays softball, and our marriage. The biggest arguements we've ever had have been over softball - sometimes I wish we'd never heard of travel ball. I'm tired of being stuck in the middle and dealing with his moodiness.

Does anyone have any advice?

I've told this story on here a dozen times. My nephew, travel soccer. Top team in the state, Olympic development program... He was the starting goalkeeper and won 3 times the keeper of the tourney award for the State Cup. Played all over the country. His senior year in HS he carried his team to the state finals and was named First team All State in the largest division in our state. That State Finals game was his last competitive soccer game. He was done, his folks assumed he would get a scholarship to play in a div 1 school, he never answered a letter or a phone call from a coach. He was done. And he is happy and going to college without his parents paying a dime.

Never assume your goals and the kids goals are the same. Also consider that many of the degrees you see college athletes going for, there is waiting tables in their futures too, after they graduate.

My father died when I was very young. You really never know when your last moment may come. Don't waste a minute of it arguing over something as stupid as a game. Life is too short for that.

 

[Coach JV]

I can't go as far as 'been there, done that' but I have learned
that it is indeed her decision and I have always told her how much I enjoy
spending softball time with her. However, I emphasize that if she quit playing
tomorrow, I will support her 100%.

Now, regarding OP and spouse. It sounds like DH is having a hard time as the
reality of dd softball career is ending or going off to a distant school. A friend of mine
went thru this scenario as his daughter played in another state. 2-3x per season, he
made arrangements to catch a weekend of her college team. Once he got over the
withdrawals of being at every game, he would show up at college with no notice and
he now has a closer relationship with DD than ever. I learned this lesson from him
when my dd was 11 and am now thankful for it. I have become acquainted with an
AC of a D2 school who has told me stories of dads who beg to catch with DD with tears in
their eyes to once again bring back fond memories of good times

 

[BradB41]

I haven't been there regarding the college thing, but your spouse sounds a lot like myself. My wife got involved a few times. Pointing out how stupid I acted (after everyone had calmed down) helped me a little. Ultimately, I decided my behavior wasn't helping the dd. In fact, it was actually having the opposite effect. We were getting bad attitude and she obviously was not having fun and was playing in fear of making mistakes.

For me it was like the old saying about insanity that finally helped with my attitude. I was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That is pretty much the definition of insanity....once I accepted that, it has been a lot easier for me to calm down and just have fun with it.

I would suggest you guys really think about HER goals and plan accordingly. At the risk of being judgemental, I don't think threatening to not pay for college is a good approach either. The short answer to your question about getting off the roller coaster is to simply be quiet.