My older DD is a freshman pitcher on the varsity team. She's currently getting all of the circle time for her team after starting off with a 55%-30%-15% split, and one of the junior pitchers (30%) on the team is giving her a hard time about it. It finally got to my DD in the last game as she looked listless and disinterested in the game. She later confided that she was hoping the coaches would have started the other girl in that game and was upset when they didn't. She's concerned that the other girl is going to quit and she feels it's her fault. By the end of the conversation, she deduced that the other girl needs to work harder if she wants more circle time, but I can tell it is still affecting her. I don't want to downplay or dismiss her feelings, because it is this caring side of her that makes her a great teammate and friend to others. Any advice on how to help her get through this?
Help with older DD
- Thread starter CPEM
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This is a hard one. Girls can and do get upset when their friends don't get PT and it can be particularly hard when a younger or "new" girl takes time away from a more established player.
The one thing I've always had good luck with is telling the worried party (the one getting the PT) that someone is probably coming for their spot soon and if you are not doing as well as you could because of other issues, that someone just might take it. All is fair in honorable competition!
She also needs to talk to the junior girl and let her know that she doesn't appreciate getting a hard time for earning playing time and that she would appreciate it if they could just be good teammates and root for each other. It is more productive and healthy for both of them and the girl just might be OK with it if your DD has the courage to talk to her about it.
The one thing I've always had good luck with is telling the worried party (the one getting the PT) that someone is probably coming for their spot soon and if you are not doing as well as you could because of other issues, that someone just might take it. All is fair in honorable competition!
She also needs to talk to the junior girl and let her know that she doesn't appreciate getting a hard time for earning playing time and that she would appreciate it if they could just be good teammates and root for each other. It is more productive and healthy for both of them and the girl just might be OK with it if your DD has the courage to talk to her about it.
- Jun 18, 2010
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Sounds like a barfer, bottom 1/3. She is sucking the life out of your DD. She cannot celebrate your DDs success.
Little Angels, I disagree.
This, again, is not a softball problem, It is a "life" problem. It doesn't matter if we are talking about softball, a job at a bank, or an upper management position at a Fortune 50 company. It is all the same.
1) The real competition is not on the field against another team--it is against the other players for playing time. (Your DD probably never has faced this before--There is is no real competition on TB teams. Everyone gets X number of innings, and everyone is happy.)
2) Your DD has to understand that "this is the way high level sports works". It is a zero sum game. For every inning she plays, someone else sits.
3) She can't control what other people do, feel or say. She can only control what she does--and what she did is unacceptable.
Do you think your DD should lose at checkers because it might hurt her opponents feelings? If she were running in a race, would you tell her to slow down so she can finish 2nd? If she is pitching a perfect game, do you want her to let the last batter get a hit because the other team would feel better?
Softball is a *GAME*. It is a *COMPETITION*. There are winners and there are losers.
Your DD, in other words, threw a temper tantrum and became a snarky teenager.
It is not her job to decide who plays and who doesn't. Her job is to throw the softball.
This, again, is not a softball problem, It is a "life" problem. It doesn't matter if we are talking about softball, a job at a bank, or an upper management position at a Fortune 50 company. It is all the same.
1) The real competition is not on the field against another team--it is against the other players for playing time. (Your DD probably never has faced this before--There is is no real competition on TB teams. Everyone gets X number of innings, and everyone is happy.)
2) Your DD has to understand that "this is the way high level sports works". It is a zero sum game. For every inning she plays, someone else sits.
3) She can't control what other people do, feel or say. She can only control what she does--and what she did is unacceptable.
Do you think your DD should lose at checkers because it might hurt her opponents feelings? If she were running in a race, would you tell her to slow down so she can finish 2nd? If she is pitching a perfect game, do you want her to let the last batter get a hit because the other team would feel better?
Softball is a *GAME*. It is a *COMPETITION*. There are winners and there are losers.
Your DD, in other words, threw a temper tantrum and became a snarky teenager.
It is not her job to decide who plays and who doesn't. Her job is to throw the softball.
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- Jun 18, 2010
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I have to remind my DD of this almost every day. Of all the softball I've helped her with, the one thing I can't get through to her is she has to quit caring so much about what other people think.
Thank you for your take on the subject. However, you made a few comments and assumptions that I would like to respond to.
And this forum is called "Being a Softball Parent." I am a softball parent, and I am asking for help in becoming a better softball parent from people, such as yourself, who've probably been through it before. I thought this would be the correct forum for such a question.
Assumption #1 - incorrect. She's faced competition for playing time from rec ball to all-stars to TB. As I indicated in my OP, she finally came around to the realization that the other girl wasn't working as hard as she was.
I don't know what you think it was that she did that was unacceptable.
These are all strawman fallacies. We are still talking about her teammate, not the opposing team. She is feeling pressure from an upperclassman on her own team, and the mental and emotional things it did to her affected her gameplay. Nowhere did I agree that they should have started the other girl. I was personally hoping my DD would have come in and pitched as lights out as she was in the previous game.
Assumption #2 - incorrect. She was hoping they would start the other girl to get her off her back. It was a weaker opponent than they had recently faced, and I think the whole team expected them to start the junior. My daughter wants the circle, but I think she knew what she was in for at the next practice and she let it affect her play. She has the "sniper" instinct versus the competition, but is more of a "social worker" with her teammates. I think after this experience and talking it out, she has moved from the "social worker" mentality to more of a "police/firefighter" mentality: there to help you out when you need it, and lock you up when you act the fool. I know when she's throwing a tantrum or being snarky. She wouldn't have discussed it with me if that's what she was doing. She was genuinely feeling wore down by the other girl and was looking for some respite. I helped her develop a thick skin for the opponents, but I didn't prepare her for the griping among her own team.
Agreed. And that was the ultimate message I left her with. She earned her spot, and she needs to continue earning it as someone else may try to take it away.
- Jan 25, 2011
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OP, you said you have helped her to be thick skinned for the opponents not her team mates. Then you have not prepared her right. Sorry but I have to agree with slugger.
And that's the part we are working on now. Understood. I don't agree, however, with the implication that she was throwing a tantrum.
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