What has happened for which fault must be assigned?
Asking seriously, as perhaps I didn't understand the story, but your daughter decided that she doesn't want to pitch any more. Why is that someone's fault?
DD "B" is no longer a pitcher.
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What has happened for which fault must be assigned?
Asking seriously, as perhaps I didn't understand the story, but your daughter decided that she doesn't want to pitch any more. Why is that someone's fault?
Oh, I think it is rare that these kinds of things are purely innocent with no fault involved. I am somewhat to blame. My wife is somewhat to blame. My daughter is somewhat to blame. Some other people are somewhat to blame. And, yes, some of it is natural. Again, I think it is rare that there is absolutely no blame.
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Doug, you say that you, your wife and others are to blame for this including your DD. I can certainly see where you may feel that this is the case. You may feel that you pushed too hard and your DD no longer found it fun after awhile. You may feel that when you and DD came home from practice pissed off at each other that DW never supported you and sided with DD saying you were too hard on her. This may be the case, then again it may not.
Let me tell you from personal experience, it doesn't matter what it is. When my DD decided she wanted to pitch, I was all gung-ho much as you were but I told DD from day one that if she didn't want to pitch, she didn't have to, just let me know. However, as long as she wanted to pitch, she would practice 3 times a week for about an hour a day. She agreed. I also told her that the only time I would get frustrated with her was when I felt she wasn't giving 100% at practices. You have to understand, DD was in the top 1% of growth for her age and still is. At the age of 10 she was 5'4" tall and 115 lbs. of muscle and extremely strong with great hand/eye coordination. Needless to say, both myself and her PC had dreams of grandeur but we kept them to ourselves. I tried to make practices fun for her and usually succeeded at that age. As she progressed, I still tried to make it fun and again, succeeded. However, as she grew and matured, both physically and emotionally, she found other interests as well as pitching. She loved to sing so she joined school choir. Then it was the school play. Then it was friends, texting and getting on the different social media to talk to her friends. Then it was boys. Then it was school dances and shopping with her friends, etc. etc. You get the gist and pitching practice kept suffering because there was less time to do it with all of her other activities. We would be practicing pitching and during a small break, she would rush over to her phone to see who said what on the social media or who texted her. The focus wasn't there and I got frustrated. Finally, it got to the point where I would just get fed up with it all and cut practice short. Then DD would go home all upset telling DW that I gave up on her. Her words, not mine. Now DW would jump in saying I was too hard on her and that if I kept it up, DW was afraid that I would take a game that DD loved so much and turn her away from it. This not only caused a strain in our marriage, but in the relationship my DD and I had. You see, Softball was mine and DD's special "thing" together. I have been her coach in SB since she was 5. So I backed off. Finally, after a miserable performance pitching in a (1st year 14u TB) game, DD finally admitted that she just didn't want to pitch anymore and the only reason she was doing it was for me. Needless to say, this admission floored me. I had always told her that she could quit anytime and it wouldn't bother me. However, she felt that I had high expectations for her and pitching and she didn't want to disappoint me.
At that time and place, I felt as small as an ant's belly. I had to reflect on how I reacted in every situation, in every practice and how often times, when she wasn't focused, how I got frustrated. After quite a few hours of reflection, I decided that yes, I could have reacted differently and probably for the better. When I came to this realization, I sat down with DD and DW and apologized to both of them. I told DD if she wanted to pitch that would be great but if not, that's fine too. I also explained to her that I just didn't want to see her waste an opportunity since she showed so much potential at it but I was her Dad first and will always love her no matter what. Then I told her that the decision was hers and I wouldn't be disappointed in her either way; we would always have our special "thing" together.
She decided then and there that she didn't want to practice pitching so she would no longer do it. Do I feel regret because of the possibility that I may have been too hard on her? Yes, of course I do. But the more I reflect on it I realize that in the end, she had too many other interests and she wanted to pursue them more than she wanted to pitch. Softball is her one true passion but pitching isn't a part of it. As I said in a former post on this thread, she found the catching position to be a part of that passion. As far as I'm concerned, it could have been the band. What it comes down to, is eventually, we all have to let go at some point. At that time and place when we do, we only become advisors in our children's pursuit of life. I'm just glad that she chose to continue to be a part of softball, no matter what position she has passion for.
As you have read on here many times now, some of the parents have not been as fortunate as you and I. We both love this game and our kids. We both love to coach and we certainly love the time spent with our DD's that without this game, we may not have had together. To feel as if you have to assign blame about anything having to do with this sport and your DD is ludicrous. If your daughter wants to pitch, she will; on her own terms. If not, then it is what it is since ultimately, it's her decision. Just sit back and bask in the fact that you still get to spend time sharing a passion with your DD that you both love. Self-recrimination will only get you nowhere fast and could possibly ruin what could arguably be the best times of your life.
Let me tell you from personal experience, it doesn't matter what it is. When my DD decided she wanted to pitch, I was all gung-ho much as you were but I told DD from day one that if she didn't want to pitch, she didn't have to, just let me know. However, as long as she wanted to pitch, she would practice 3 times a week for about an hour a day. She agreed. I also told her that the only time I would get frustrated with her was when I felt she wasn't giving 100% at practices. You have to understand, DD was in the top 1% of growth for her age and still is. At the age of 10 she was 5'4" tall and 115 lbs. of muscle and extremely strong with great hand/eye coordination. Needless to say, both myself and her PC had dreams of grandeur but we kept them to ourselves. I tried to make practices fun for her and usually succeeded at that age. As she progressed, I still tried to make it fun and again, succeeded. However, as she grew and matured, both physically and emotionally, she found other interests as well as pitching. She loved to sing so she joined school choir. Then it was the school play. Then it was friends, texting and getting on the different social media to talk to her friends. Then it was boys. Then it was school dances and shopping with her friends, etc. etc. You get the gist and pitching practice kept suffering because there was less time to do it with all of her other activities. We would be practicing pitching and during a small break, she would rush over to her phone to see who said what on the social media or who texted her. The focus wasn't there and I got frustrated. Finally, it got to the point where I would just get fed up with it all and cut practice short. Then DD would go home all upset telling DW that I gave up on her. Her words, not mine. Now DW would jump in saying I was too hard on her and that if I kept it up, DW was afraid that I would take a game that DD loved so much and turn her away from it. This not only caused a strain in our marriage, but in the relationship my DD and I had. You see, Softball was mine and DD's special "thing" together. I have been her coach in SB since she was 5. So I backed off. Finally, after a miserable performance pitching in a (1st year 14u TB) game, DD finally admitted that she just didn't want to pitch anymore and the only reason she was doing it was for me. Needless to say, this admission floored me. I had always told her that she could quit anytime and it wouldn't bother me. However, she felt that I had high expectations for her and pitching and she didn't want to disappoint me.
At that time and place, I felt as small as an ant's belly. I had to reflect on how I reacted in every situation, in every practice and how often times, when she wasn't focused, how I got frustrated. After quite a few hours of reflection, I decided that yes, I could have reacted differently and probably for the better. When I came to this realization, I sat down with DD and DW and apologized to both of them. I told DD if she wanted to pitch that would be great but if not, that's fine too. I also explained to her that I just didn't want to see her waste an opportunity since she showed so much potential at it but I was her Dad first and will always love her no matter what. Then I told her that the decision was hers and I wouldn't be disappointed in her either way; we would always have our special "thing" together.
She decided then and there that she didn't want to practice pitching so she would no longer do it. Do I feel regret because of the possibility that I may have been too hard on her? Yes, of course I do. But the more I reflect on it I realize that in the end, she had too many other interests and she wanted to pursue them more than she wanted to pitch. Softball is her one true passion but pitching isn't a part of it. As I said in a former post on this thread, she found the catching position to be a part of that passion. As far as I'm concerned, it could have been the band. What it comes down to, is eventually, we all have to let go at some point. At that time and place when we do, we only become advisors in our children's pursuit of life. I'm just glad that she chose to continue to be a part of softball, no matter what position she has passion for.
As you have read on here many times now, some of the parents have not been as fortunate as you and I. We both love this game and our kids. We both love to coach and we certainly love the time spent with our DD's that without this game, we may not have had together. To feel as if you have to assign blame about anything having to do with this sport and your DD is ludicrous. If your daughter wants to pitch, she will; on her own terms. If not, then it is what it is since ultimately, it's her decision. Just sit back and bask in the fact that you still get to spend time sharing a passion with your DD that you both love. Self-recrimination will only get you nowhere fast and could possibly ruin what could arguably be the best times of your life.
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Very well said. I'm fortunate right now. My daughter is 14, nearly 6 feet tall, throws a softball between 54-57 MPH and has great pitch control. She practices with me all year and the start to her season has gone very well thanks to off-season pitching and improved mechanics. Despite all this, I've told her before - "YOU have to want this. Not me. I'm here to support you, but I'm not the one out there on the field. I had my time as a kid. It's up to you if you want to do this. If you do, I'm there by your side"
Does this mean that the times when she has needed that 'push' to practice from hasn't happened? Of course not. I have had to encourage her to practice with me. I will say that when the time comes that she just doesn't want to do it anymore, I'll understand. It will be what it is, and I'll have to deal with it. The thought of her potential and even one day playing college ball has entered my thoughts too....but in the end, it's her life, not mine. If she walks away from the game in a year or two from now, I'll know one thing: we had some great times together as father/daughter that she and I will never forget.
I think it is next to impossible for a parent to have the perfect amount of pushing them. Given that, I believe when these things happen, it is at least partially the parents fault the child didn't realize the potential they had in the activity. The same is true of the child. I would say that it is even more impossible to the child to fully understand what they will feel and thinks years down the road. As I said, my older daughter now regret not working harder as a pitcher and not pursuing it to her potential. Given this, the child is, though innocent (or out of ignorance) as it might seem, partially to fault.
I don't buy into this "There's never any fault associated with these kinds of decisions." It is my belief that more times than not there is fault, and plenty of it to be spread around. I am willing to accept my portion of the fault. It is mine, and I accept it. And, I say shame on me for not working more to find that ideal balance.
I don't buy into this "There's never any fault associated with these kinds of decisions." It is my belief that more times than not there is fault, and plenty of it to be spread around. I am willing to accept my portion of the fault. It is mine, and I accept it. And, I say shame on me for not working more to find that ideal balance.
- Dec 7, 2011
- 2,368
- 38
My 2 cents -
I hate the "fault assignment" thing. It's a tail chase. Don't go there. We can blame our great great great grandparents for all we know. In the end life aint perfect. The faster we all realize it,...but never stop fighting the good fight,...the better.
I had DD start to hate me at one point. I saw other "bad sb dad's" out there and I was so confused as I really could not see myself like them AND DW told me that too. But the fact was at one point two years ago DD decided to quit sb and treat me like the enemy. Instead of fighting her I bit my lip (to bleeding) and told her it was her life and this was just a game BUT since she was 15 still AND STILL A CHILD I told her that I expected to see her display the same level of commitment and passion into something else. Well just by chance within a month and she was not seeing her boyfriend anymore and blammo "dad I think I made a mistake in quitting". Then after getting a respectable boyfriend and ditching her parent-hating "bestie" girlfriend who was cancer all of a sudden I was "dad" to her again.
Long story short - they are still kids! - they need guidance - they need to make some decisions for themselves - BUT THEY CANNOT decide to be a slacker in life,... like so many parents let their kids do. I strongly believe in that ole saying (which I will butcher) - If ya love it, let it be free(to a degree if still a child), and if it was meant to be it will come back and maybe land even stronger.
I hate the "fault assignment" thing. It's a tail chase. Don't go there. We can blame our great great great grandparents for all we know. In the end life aint perfect. The faster we all realize it,...but never stop fighting the good fight,...the better.
I had DD start to hate me at one point. I saw other "bad sb dad's" out there and I was so confused as I really could not see myself like them AND DW told me that too. But the fact was at one point two years ago DD decided to quit sb and treat me like the enemy. Instead of fighting her I bit my lip (to bleeding) and told her it was her life and this was just a game BUT since she was 15 still AND STILL A CHILD I told her that I expected to see her display the same level of commitment and passion into something else. Well just by chance within a month and she was not seeing her boyfriend anymore and blammo "dad I think I made a mistake in quitting". Then after getting a respectable boyfriend and ditching her parent-hating "bestie" girlfriend who was cancer all of a sudden I was "dad" to her again.
Long story short - they are still kids! - they need guidance - they need to make some decisions for themselves - BUT THEY CANNOT decide to be a slacker in life,... like so many parents let their kids do. I strongly believe in that ole saying (which I will butcher) - If ya love it, let it be free(to a degree if still a child), and if it was meant to be it will come back and maybe land even stronger.
Um, OILF, it might come to a shock to your, but I have never charged a penny for lessons. I'm not sure what your "advertising" comment is about.
Can you lay off the guy? He started this thread because he is down about his daughter leaving softball.
Doug....I know you think there is fault to spread around, and since I have no idea what happens at your home, maybe you think you or others are to blame. From a distance, maybe she just needs a break from the game. She may miss it and want to come back.
Jose, She didn't leave softball. She left pitching. She started softball just two years ago because she wanted to be a pitcher. Thanks though. I'm pressing forward, helping the other two pitching students who just want to be pitchers. Hopefully, DD presses forward. She's currently facing additional trials. She (sophomore) committed an error as an outfielder on varsity in an important game. She's now no longer on varsity, at least not for now. It'll hopefully be a good thing in the end to make her realize she's got to work harder. We all and our DDs to work hard to do the best they can at what they are doing.
I wouldn't give up yet. One of my kids wanted to quit school and make money so she could travel. Didn't care what I said. Five years later, when she walked with diploma in hand, she thanked me for not letting her quit. What worked with her? Bribery. I paid her for A's. Some will scoff, but she has a fancy university degree and a wonderful career because of it. Maybe worth a try; the new Iphone is coming out soon; should be worth 1 1/2 hours of practice per week. Make it back on varsity should get her drivers training covered; remind her driving is not a right. Lol, I feel your pain Doug. Just tossing some ideas out. My #1 only responded to "my way or the highway", but that's a little extreme for sports.
