She just quits...

[Sparky Guy]

Buckeye,

What happens when you are not around? Does she do the same thing? I know when my DD was younger people would tell me she pitched better when I was not around. When she got older it didn't matter.

 

[grcsftbll]

I was also thinking maybe it's time for dad to stop coaching and let her play. I've seen this even in younger kids (mine just started 10U and 12U). My daughter in 12U baseball WILL NOT be coached by her dad. He has finally accepted it and doesn't try to tell her anything. He was never her official coach and he has finally taught himself to sit and watch and let the coaches make the corrections. He's AC for my 10U daughter but I imagine that may have a time limit on it. So far she takes instruction well from him but I think it's natural for pre-teen/early teen kids to want to push away from parents.

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

Think it could be a case of dad sucking the fun out of the game or being more interested in it than she is? I've seen a few players bow out for those very reasons.

The thought has crossed my mind more than once, but that's not the case. She still enjoys playing, she still gets a kick out of hanging with the team...heck, she got excited about another tryout coming up. It's not the game. It's a single play or a single at bat that starts her attitude on a downward spiral even when everyone is trying to be encouraging.

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

Buckeye,

What happens when you are not around? Does she do the same thing? I know when my DD was younger people would tell me she pitched better when I was not around. When she got older it didn't matter.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no - she had a Friday practice while I was out of town and my AC said she had a great practice. Other times I've been told she's un-coachable (notably by a hitting coach) because she shuts down after a mistake.

I was also thinking maybe it's time for dad to stop coaching and let her play.

Say rather that I'll stop coaching her, but I won't stop coaching! Like I said, she just needs to survive fall ball and 7th grade school ball (if she makes the team).

Beyond all this softball related stuff, she does this in other aspects of her life: music, school, even playing video games.

 

[coach james]

My story is almost exactly like yours.... I was dd's coach from tball through HS. She's going through a whorl wind of changes right now. She's testing her limits with you and others.
My coaching style revolves around the players attitude and effort. If either of the two are lacking, they get benched. Maybe it is time for a new coach, or its time for her to realize that just because she's the coaches kid the standards of game play aren't different for her.

 

[shelbysdad]

We have battled this same issue for years. I coached 2 years in 10u and 1 year of 11u and did a lot of mental damage to my DD with unrealistic expectations. Especially when she was pitching. We moved to a travel team in 2013 and I have tried to completely back away during games. she has done this a few times on her travel team. One time she pulled this crap because she was struggling at the plate during a tournament so I called the coach to the side and told him to sit her during a regional championship game. That really shocked her. We bought some self help sports psychology stuff from John Michael Kelly which helped also. I think you need to back away as much as you can and bench her if you need to. Might even try writing down the behavior that is unacceptable and having her sign a contract. If she backs off her effort after an error she will be benched per the contract. Then your not just being a jerk dad lol.

 

[sluggers]

You've been a contributor here for many years, and I've always enjoyed your posts. This is a little "tough love" from a guy who has been there.

1) She is trying out for your team and you honestly want her to "pretend" that she isn't going to make your team? I don't even understand that.

2) You are not treating your DD like everyone else. You said, "Ive been her coach for about 7 years now, and I freely admit that I'm sometimes tougher on her than I am the other girls." You have to step back and realize that you aren't treating her like every other kid. Your failure to do so results in this kind of behavior.

3) There is a parenting concept called, "The child should experience the natural consequences of her actions." That is, a parent should allow the child to experience the rewards or punishment associated with the child's action. The parent should not intervene unless the child will suffer some permanent or serious injury. Many parents don't do this...they deflect the punishment and replace the punishment with "yelling" at them. E.g., if a kid doesn't dress warmly for an outing, rather than let the child get uncomfortably cold, the parent will make the child put on a sweater and then criticize the child for not wearing a sweater. The better approach is to simply say nothing and let the child be cold.

I suspect what happens is she shuts down, and then you get mad at her. The natural consequences of failing to hustle is for her to be taken out of the game. If she continues, she would lose her starting position. If that didn't get her to perform, she would lose playing time. The ""natural consequence" is *not* being yelled at.

A good coach would say, "If you don't hustle, you aren't going to play." There is no anger in the discussion. I've had this discussion with a player several times. If a kid doesn't want to play, she doesn't want to play. It is her choice. It is just simply, "You aren't performing. I'll find somebody who will." My fear is that you can't simply have a 5 minute discussion, but rather that you will continue talking to her about it for some time.

It really is that simple: "Do A or I will find someone who will." It is the same discussion a boss/customer will have with her in the future.

4) How good would your DD be if you took all that time you spent coaching other kids and worked exclusively with your DD?

 

[grcsftbll]

I'm a big fan of natural consequences.

Once a coach told my husband and me, a stranger should be able to observe a team at a practice or game and not be able to tell who the coach's kid is. I like that. I think it's a good goal to have.

 

[chinamigarden]

My son when he was about 12, used to walk around during his soccer games, half assing it. Used to drive me up a wall, finally I just had it out with him. I told him its not fair to his team, its not the right way to play the game and that the first time he gets on a team that cuts players he is done. Then I told him it makes me upset and rather then get upset and yell I am not going to go to any more games if he isn't going to try. Rather then me getting upset and him getting upset at me, it would be a better use of my time to stay home and mow the lawn and neither of us will be upset with the other.

He never lollygagged again.

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

You've been a contributor here for many years, and I've always enjoyed your posts. This is a little "tough love" from a guy who has been there.

1) She is trying out for your team and you honestly want her to "pretend" that she isn't going to make your team? I don't even understand that.

Here's the thing - she knows I will cut her from the school team. It would suck for both of us, but that is a paid position and I have a responsibility to put the best possible team on the field (even in MS).

2) You are not treating your DD like everyone else. You said, "I've been her coach for about 7 years now, and I freely admit that I'm sometimes tougher on her than I am the other girls." You have to step back and realize that you aren't treating her like every other kid. Your failure to do so results in this kind of behavior.

I've considered this at length. I'm trying to let my AC do more with her while I do less. This fall I will strive to treat her exactly as I do the rest of the team.

3) There is a parenting concept called, "The child should experience the natural consequences of her actions." That is, a parent should allow the child to experience the rewards or punishment associated with the child's action...I suspect what happens is she shuts down, and then you get mad at her. The natural consequences of failing to hustle is for her to be taken out of the game. If she continues, she would lose her starting position. If that didn't get her to perform, she would lose playing time...It really is that simple: "Do A or I will find someone who will." It is the same discussion a boss/customer will have with her in the future.

I'm a fan. There's a thread I started about me benching her in a tournament; I'm not afraid of her suffering consequences. Thing is we've played rec all this time, and I literally cannot bench her during league play.

4) How good would your DD be if you took all that time you spent coaching other kids and worked exclusively with your DD?

Dunno - I spend a lot of time with her at home working on stuff and she rarely gets as down on herself as she does out in public, which I know is a contributing factor.

I know that I have to change the way I coach and parent, I accept that. It will be hard.