Escalation of Commitment

[BobInMadison]

I am always learning lessons about the hands-off approach.

Latest -- my DD 1 was really angry at me this morning. Since my kids are all anemic (hereditary), I put in a family rule that no kid is allowed to be a veggie or vegan until the age of 18. So DD 1 decided to go full vegan right before her 18th birthday (tomorrow). I teased her some, and warned her a lot about how careful she needs to be to get the proper iron and essential amino acids, so she decided I wasn't being supportive enough and was attacking her for being a vegan. Not even what I thought was proper fatherly advice was OK, esp. since I used to teach about 1 class a year on nutrition, and I would go into great detail in that class about how to get the proper mix of amino acids without eating meat (for example rice and beans gives the full compliment of essential amino acids).

Blah. I need to be a lot more hands off and a lot more supportive. Maybe this will turn into a support group on how not to over-parent. First lesson is to watch Trophy Kids.

 

[mwh1979]

Quick update:

Since our 2nd heart-to-heart, I asked DD if she would like to take some hitting lessons. She usually says "No," or just shrugs. This time she said "OK." I didn't overreact, didn't go into my happy dance in front of her, just played it cool and told her when they would be an who she'd be working with.

1st lesson was last night (90 minutes: 30 of mental approach discussion, 60 of actual instruction, and the mental aspect is why I wanted her to attend, so bonus!). Instead of doing my usual hover to try and absorb what coach is teaching so that I can instruct her at home, I just sat and read a book. Only looked up a few times, gave DD a thumbs-up, and went back to reading. When we got home she says to me, "That seemed like it went fast, I wish we could have stayed longer." That has NEVER happened in 7 years of softball, no matter what we were working on. Usually it's "That was boring," or "Why do we have to stay so long?"

I'm not declaring that I've got this figured out, but I am convinced that I need to do as nearly all of you said and just let her be her. And while I wish that I could drag her down stairs to practice what coach is teaching, I will not do it. I told her that if she wants to work on anything coach taught her, all she has to do is ask and we'll go down and do some front toss or tee work.

Thanks to all of you who offered helpful/constructive criticisms. By helping me see more clearly what I was doing wrong, you have helped DD be happier.

Great call. Kids are smart and if your reasons for pushing them are selfish they'll figure it out eventually. Giving space can be tough but I've learned myself that it's pretty important. I learned that my daughter really did want me to pay attention but on her terms LOL. I'm still guilty of critique sometimes but I mostly try not to say much outside of encouragement and whatnot. I only get on to her if she's too down on herself for a failure. It seems to work out mostly well. I've also been extremely paranoid about burnout, this seems to help at least a little.

 

[Angus]

Of all of the benefits of playing organized sports, one is that it teaches kids that you have to work hard to be successful in life. Many kids, if you left them to their own desires, would do nothing but watch TV and play videogames all day . . . and there are many kids who do just that. As parents, it is our job to teach our children values that will help them to be successful in life, and for many of us, athletics is part of the equation. It's really not important what level they perform at, as long as they are working hard to achieve their own potential. The great thing about softball is that there are many different levels of competition, and there is a fit for kids of all skill levels.

I hope my own daughter sticks with softball, but if she doesn't, she'll need to find something else to replace it, and work just at hard at whatever that is. I doubt there are many kids out there who are eager to go to practice every single time, just like many adults aren't eager to go to work every day, but if you work hard it tends to pay off. Yes, they are kids, and yes it needs to stay fun, but it's not going to be fun 100% of the time.