"Escalation of commitment refers to a pattern of behavior in which an individual or group will continue to rationalize their decisions, actions, and investments when faced with increasingly negative outcomes rather than alter their course."
We've all been there: over bidding on an eBay item; continuing to repair the car that should be sold or scrapped; fishing; owning a boat...
I didn't know this was a "thing" until recently, and I find that it describes much of human behavior that I've found puzzling for a long time. This especially includes my own behavior. That said, having it defined for me has helped to make me more aware of when I'm falling into the trap. I am learning to cut bait sooner.
Escalation of commitment also describes me and DD playing softball. I have put a lot of time, effort, and money into DD's playing - just like most of us here. I have done so even when she has resisted putting in the extra effort, because she gets so excited over the moments when that effort pays off.
The thing is, DD's resistance hasn't lessened, hasn't changed in the 2 years or so since she initially expressed a desire to "get better" and make one of our select teams. Last night was a perfect example: she's got indoor live pitching league starting on Saturday, she's been picked up as catcher for a local TB team for this league, and when we went to the basement to practice she showed zero interest, was moping around and shuffling her feet. We had the same conversation we've had too many times over the past 2 years: she doesn't want to "get" better, she wants to simply "be" better; she's unwilling to take a risk (practice something new or difficult) for fear of making a mistake; she won't listen to any input and wants to do everything her way vs what she's been coached to do. This last is a defense mechanism - she knows the correct way, refuses to do it correctly, and so has a built in excuse for failure.
I feel like I've failed her, that somehow I've created this character flaw in her where she will never take a risk because she might look bad. I don't know how to put her in a position to take a risk and fail and learn to be OK with that.
I also recognize that, at 13 she needs to be responsible for some of her choices. So last night, instead of practice, I talked to her about how having the same conversation every time there's practice (whether it be softball, her music - she's really talented, school, Girl Scouts) has gotten to be too tiring for me. Be sure that I told her that I loved her with all my heart and always would, no matter what. But I also told her that there'd be no NECC camp, no hitting lessons, no clinics, that I will not be investing in her softball any more outside of registration fees for rec IF she wants to play at all. I told her I won't be dragging her down stairs for practices, and that I will be spending the extra time on other things like the stack of books in my office that need reading. I told she should probably not try out for the MS team (that I coach) because it's more hard work than she's ever done, and I won't have an attitude problem on my team - especially one from my own DD. I was gentle, but honest. I put it on her - if she wants to get better, she must be the one to initiate.
And it hurts me worse than it hurts her to walk away from all of it. I think that means that I was pushing her for the wrong reasons, that I'd escalated my commitment beyond a healthy level.
Maybe in the future she'll work through the fear of risk. I hope so. For now, I'm coaching my teams and she won't be on them (which was something she needed anyway).
Apologies for the length, but this was the first time I'd laid out the entire issue for myself.
We've all been there: over bidding on an eBay item; continuing to repair the car that should be sold or scrapped; fishing; owning a boat...
I didn't know this was a "thing" until recently, and I find that it describes much of human behavior that I've found puzzling for a long time. This especially includes my own behavior. That said, having it defined for me has helped to make me more aware of when I'm falling into the trap. I am learning to cut bait sooner.
Escalation of commitment also describes me and DD playing softball. I have put a lot of time, effort, and money into DD's playing - just like most of us here. I have done so even when she has resisted putting in the extra effort, because she gets so excited over the moments when that effort pays off.
The thing is, DD's resistance hasn't lessened, hasn't changed in the 2 years or so since she initially expressed a desire to "get better" and make one of our select teams. Last night was a perfect example: she's got indoor live pitching league starting on Saturday, she's been picked up as catcher for a local TB team for this league, and when we went to the basement to practice she showed zero interest, was moping around and shuffling her feet. We had the same conversation we've had too many times over the past 2 years: she doesn't want to "get" better, she wants to simply "be" better; she's unwilling to take a risk (practice something new or difficult) for fear of making a mistake; she won't listen to any input and wants to do everything her way vs what she's been coached to do. This last is a defense mechanism - she knows the correct way, refuses to do it correctly, and so has a built in excuse for failure.
I feel like I've failed her, that somehow I've created this character flaw in her where she will never take a risk because she might look bad. I don't know how to put her in a position to take a risk and fail and learn to be OK with that.
I also recognize that, at 13 she needs to be responsible for some of her choices. So last night, instead of practice, I talked to her about how having the same conversation every time there's practice (whether it be softball, her music - she's really talented, school, Girl Scouts) has gotten to be too tiring for me. Be sure that I told her that I loved her with all my heart and always would, no matter what. But I also told her that there'd be no NECC camp, no hitting lessons, no clinics, that I will not be investing in her softball any more outside of registration fees for rec IF she wants to play at all. I told her I won't be dragging her down stairs for practices, and that I will be spending the extra time on other things like the stack of books in my office that need reading. I told she should probably not try out for the MS team (that I coach) because it's more hard work than she's ever done, and I won't have an attitude problem on my team - especially one from my own DD. I was gentle, but honest. I put it on her - if she wants to get better, she must be the one to initiate.
And it hurts me worse than it hurts her to walk away from all of it. I think that means that I was pushing her for the wrong reasons, that I'd escalated my commitment beyond a healthy level.
Maybe in the future she'll work through the fear of risk. I hope so. For now, I'm coaching my teams and she won't be on them (which was something she needed anyway).
Apologies for the length, but this was the first time I'd laid out the entire issue for myself.
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