How To Let Go?

I'm sure this topic has been covered, but now its my turn...DD2 is considering quitting SB before the start of her Jr. year in HS (informal winter workouts start in 10 days). DFP readers that are all about college, college, college and believe HS ball is a waste of space and time can probably stop reading now. DD was never on the college track, rather the goal was to contribute to the continued success of a quality HS program (regular conference champions and several appearances in the Div. 1 state finals in the past 10 years), enhance her overall HS experience, and play a sport she seemed to enjoy. 3 years in Rec followed by 7 in TB (generally mid-level "B" teams). She has a rocket arm and has gotten taller and lost weight and gotten faster over the past year so her physical confidence is the best its ever been. IMO, she could start at the corners for the varsity. Full disclosure, I was an HC for DD1 in Rec and TB awhile ago and AC for 4 of DD2's TB years so I enjoy the fastpitch world too. We had a fine relationship during that time, other than the 5:30 AM wakeups for early tournament game days! I had hoped of watching her for 2 more years on Varsity. If she's just growing up and out of youth sports, fine. I don't want her to do it "for me". That wouldn't be good for anyone. But I don't want her to give up on something that she'll never get to again, or because the coach has a reputation of being "tough" (so will bosses and professors down the road), or because she has to reduce her teen-social life priorities for a few short months for something worthwhile. Looking for words of wisdom on how to navigate through this. She's talked about this to her mother but not much to me because she knows more-or-less how I feel. She and I will be fine either way.

She is old enough to make her own decisions, good or bad. Say your piece and let it go.

DD knows if she does not play softball she needs to work more, she is not allowed to sit around or hang out with friends to fill out the lost softball time.

(Curious If DD will play again this year, same age as yours. If she does not sure where. We are in a non softball mode until beginning of year. She has 3 offers that I know of so she can play if she wants to)

LetsPlayTwo said:

Long list of stuff.

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What is missing in this post is why she considering not playing.

Teenagers are complex creatures Until you understand the real reason, you are not going to get anywhere.

You need to find out the real reason/reasons she doesn't want to play as marriard said. What it comes down to is she's old enough to make these kinds of decisions for herself. Letting go will come with you learning her true reasons for quitting and accepting them whether you like them or not. Until you accept them, you'll be miserable thinking about "What if..."

I've also seen on here where many DD's quit the game only to come back the following year to play again simply because they missed "the game" for whatever reason.

ETA: My DD didn't play her Senior year of HS for several reasons. #1, and most importantly, was because their HS hitting coach didn't have a clue and turned my DD, who averages 1-2 HR's every other game in TB, into a strikeout queen in HS games. It'd take me 4 weeks of totally breaking down her swing and rebuilding after every HS season to get her back to where she should be. #2 and just as important, was she was bullied extensively by her teammates. They thought they were much better than they actually were and my DD was the only one signed. #3 Her college coach told her it didn't matter whether she played HS ball or not since in the grand scheme of things, HS means nothing anymore other than playing for the name on the building and school spirit. If it made her miserable, which it did, then don't play and she didn't. We were absolutely fine with that. Actually, we were ecstatic she didn't play her Senior year since she was so miserable her Sophomore and Junior years!

Sports is really a microcosm of life. It allows a parent to teach about life and let the child experience things where there is little danger of lasting harm. When something like this comes up, it is always a great opportunity to teach.

There is a possibility that she is simply "pushing your buttons" Why do I think that? Because she talked to Mom about this, and not you.

But, if she is serious, this is *great* opportunity for a life lesson.

People quit playing sports all the time. (By the way, anyone need a bowling ball?) People break up with girlfriends/boyfriends. People change college majors. People quit jobs. How do you make the decision to quit anything and change?

You need to teach her about quitting and changing.

As an adult, you recognize that you can't "un-ring the bell" once you make a decision like this. She probably doesn't really understand that she can't simply apologize and get back on the team in April. She also probably doesn't understand what she is giving up.

My advice is to sit her down and have a discussion with her about this.

Go over a couple events of your life about how you made a similar decision. How did you decide to leave Job A and go Job B? How did you decide to move from House 1 to House 2? Talk about your mistakes.

Then, let her do what she wants...and let her suffer the natural consequences of her action and the natural reward from her action.


(This article is helpful in thinking about "when to quit a sport": https://www.competitivedge.com/how-know-when-it’s-time-leave-your-sport-quitting.)

My oldest gave up the sport after her nationals at 14. After going to the field for years with her, so many early morning drives and too many fast food dinners, and hours together, it wasn't easy for me. But it was for her, she moved into her current hobby, theatre (side note: anyone who thinks that softball takes up a lot of free time has no daughter in musical theatre.) She knew when it was time and made the right move, and hasn't looked back. Seeing her pursuing this activity with more passion than she really ever had for anything else makes it clear she made the right choice. Even if DW gets more time with her than me, lol.

My advice is to listen to her, explain her options and if she wants to move on, remember you raised her to think for herself and make good decisions.

sluggers said:

Sports is really a microcosm of life. It allows a parent to teach about life and let the child experience things where there is little danger of lasting harm. When something like this comes up, it is always a great opportunity to teach.

There is a possibility that she is simply "pushing your buttons" Why do I think that? Because she talked to Mom about this, and not you.

But, if she is serious, this is *great* opportunity for a life lesson.

People quit playing sports all the time. (By the way, anyone need a bowling ball?) People break up with girlfriends/boyfriends. People change college majors. People quit jobs. How do you make the decision to quit anything and change?

You need to teach her about quitting and changing.

As an adult, you recognize that you can't "un-ring the bell" once you make a decision like this. She probably doesn't really understand that she can't simply apologize and get back on the team in April. She also probably doesn't understand what she is giving up.

My advice is to sit her down and have a discussion with her about this.

Go over a couple events of your life about how you made a similar decision. How did you decide to leave Job A and go Job B? How did you decide to move from House 1 to House 2? Talk about your mistakes.

Then, let her do what she wants...and let her suffer the natural consequences of her action and the natural reward from her action.


(This article is helpful in thinking about "when to quit a sport": https://www.competitivedge.com/how-know-when-it’s-time-leave-your-sport-quitting.)

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Great advice above. My dd went through several times of wanting to quit around ages 12-14. I always said that once she committed to a team that there was no quiting, but once season was over she was free to choose. Normally a little time away from playing and some perspective, she would decide on her own to keep playing. She did decide after her junior year of high school ball, that she did not want to play travel and committ to something all summer. She is old enough to make her own decisions, and all you can do is give her your opinion and experiences and let her decide. My dd is currently looking forward to her senior year of high school ball, and then will be done.

We went through a similar experience with my son when he was a senior. He had offers to play soccer in college but would have to live away from home. DS gave up his chances to play college soccer because he didn't want to leave his girlfriend. Tried sitting down and talking to him on several occasions. Went through the whole "you will regret it" and "you only get one chance to do this" etc.....No luck. After girlfriend dumped him a year and a half later, he came to me with the "dad you were right" talk.

Unfortunately, all you can do is give advice, opinions, and end the end let them decide.

Thanks. All good thoughts. To Sluggers-- No, she's not pushing my buttons. To the contrary. Part of her dilemma is she doesn't want to disappoint me. Which is not a good reason to continue. The linked article is spot-on about passion. Her level of passion for SB is waning compared to the other parts of her ever expanding 16 soon to be 17 year-old world. My challenge, as has been pointed out, is to listen to her and try to point out the realities and unintended consequences she may be overlooking - without pressuring her or sounding like I'm "selling" her on something she doesn't want or need anymore. Then make it clear we're good no matter what she decides.

DD was on track for college scholarships. We looked hard into it, and into the career path she wanted to go, nurse anesthetist. This wouldn't allow a lot of free time to play ball. Instead, she backed way off on the softball. Went from a true travel team to a local team made up a group of girls who realized the same thing her soph and Jr. years, to no travel team her Sr. year. This allowed her to get a job and enjoy the other free time she had to be a kid. She still played HS ball. Her Jr & Sr year she decided to do running start. Graduated with an AA and is now a junior in her first year of college and applying to nursing schools. While I really miss the softball, life goes on. Support your daughter in whatever path she chooses. As was once told to me years ago, softball is a finite sport. It will end for these girls sooner, rather than later. A few will be lucky enough to play college and even fewer will continue after that.

Good luck and Merry Christmas!