Escalation of Commitment

[reagansdaddy]

One problem that I struggle with concerning my DD is that I put expectations on her that probably aren't appropriate for her age. I don't remember much about my athletic career when I was 11 or 12 beyond that I played on a good town-league baseball team and was forced to play soccer because we weren't allowed to play football until 7th grade in my house. Dad would come home and play with us every night during the summer but we didn't "practice" except when the team had practice. It was a different era and our socio-economic situation was different then than it is for my own family.

What I do remember is my high school and college football days. I was never the most talented guy athletically but I'd outwork anyone. I lived in the weight room and would spend hours working on my stance and steps. The coaches would have to run me out of the field house because of the amount of film I watched and even then I'd take the tapes home and watch more. For fun, I developed offensive and defensive playbooks that would later become the basis of what I used as a coach. I was the football equivalent of a gym rat and I loved every minute of.....maybe, in part, because I wasn't allowed to play when many of my peers started.

Too often, the second mindset is what I expect from my daughter. After all, she's got the best equipment available, plays on an outstanding travel team, and has resources available to her like hitting and catching lessons and speed and agility instruction that I NEVER would have had access to. But, in the end, that's not fair to expect from her. She works hard, but there are days when she doesn't want to push into areas that she struggles with. I need to understand that is okay. If it's the same story at 16 or 17 then there's probably and issue but, even then, maybe not.

Just a couple random thoughts that I've been dealing with as a Dad.

 

[BobInMadison]

Agreed.

I've known a number of cases of girls who were being pushed too hard, and maybe they still wanted to play a little softball later on, just at a lower level. One local girl was a great player, but quit for several years because she felt she was being pushed too hard. Finally came back her senior year, just not as a pitcher. Some other girls quit their TB teams, and gave up pitching, but still played for their HS team. They were happier at that level.

DD 1 had a rather rapid rise in softball, and that put a lot of pressure on her. Fall of 7th grade, plays rec ball for the first time. Fall of 8th grade, still in 12U rec ball. Spring of 8th grade, in 14U rec ball, starts out slow and gets really good at the end. That summer, she was on her LL all-star team for 14 U. Fall of 9th grade, she was on a 16U TB team. Going from 12U rec ball to 16U TB in one year was a bit much for her, so she quit the team over the winter. I thought she would never play again, but she played on her HS freshman team the following spring. She had a lot of fun, got to be a decent 3B, led the team in hits, HR and SB. Never played again after that, because not enough of her friends still wanted to play softball as sophomores.
It was really tough for me to let DD 1 find her own level in softball, and then quit altogether, because she had tons of talent, but she wanted to live her own life, and get a part-time job. She managed to get an academic scholarship for tuition and fees for her first choice college, and her job will help pay for room and board. Between the help she will get from grandparents and the money she has and will earn, she probably won't bug her parents for $ until her sophomore or junior year.

DD 3 has also been a bit of a challenge. As DD 1 put it, DD 3 wants to BE a great player, but won't put in the work it takes to GET there. Still, DD 3 was the star of her rec league, and last year was the star of her C level TB team. (A VERY strong C team, I must add. Better than many B level teams.) Now she has moved up to a B level team, and is one of the best players on the team. (A strong B level team). She works her rear off in practices, does extra sessions run by local high schools when offered, and works her rear off in those sessions. She will sometimes practice on her own, but not nearly as much as I think she should, esp for a pitcher. Well, I would rather have her happy on a B team than miserable on an A team. I had some nasty arguments with her about her practice in the past, but it is just not worth it. She needs to find her own level, which is higher than rec league, but lower than Diamond Platinum Elite.

As for her future? I have no idea what state she will be living in the fall. (I've narrowed it down to NY, NJ, IL or WI, with NY being the most likely.) I am sure she would enjoy playing on the HS team for whatever HS she attends, and hopefully a TB team as well. I doubt she will ever be a D-1 star, but she might play softball in college. Or she might not. Or she might play on a club team, or co-ed slow pitch. Up to her.

 

[Indiana]

Buckeye - I think you're being too hard on yourself. 13 is a notoriously awkward age for girls. I speak from experience, having once been one, and having raised one (who is now 17 - much better, she is much more confident, sure of herself and able to make decisions). I would say that the vast majority of kids just want to play and be with their friends. They don't really want to "train" with mom and dad. It's awkward for them - the whole time they might be thinking, "omg, I can't believe I'm down in the basement with my dad. I have zero friends. I am so friendless that I am here with my dad instead of out with Susie, Sally and Katie. I hope nobody sees me." She could be thinking this even if she has a trillion friends and has to beat them off with a stick.

It's harder for you since you are also a coach. My DH was also a coach. The few times he had training sessions with 12 and 13 year old DD it pretty much ended in tears and yelling. Years later, at age 16, our DD would spout "words of wisdom" - that she learned from DH! I could hardly believe it, and it took real willpower to keep from saying, "I told you so." With our DD, it took until age 16 or so for her body to really respond to training with a strong core, leg and shoulder muscles. She could see the results, and feel the power when she hit. Training is of course important for younger girls, but it will be harder to convince them of that when they can't see the results for themselves.

Anyway, all that said, if your daughter really isn't particularly interested, then you did the right thing by giving her an "out."

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

...They don't really want to "train" with mom and dad. It's awkward for them - the whole time they might be thinking, "omg, I can't believe I'm down in the basement with my dad. I have zero friends. I am so friendless that I am here with my dad instead of out with Susie, Sally and Katie. I hope nobody sees me." She could be thinking this even if she has a trillion friends and has to beat them off with a stick...

Thanks for this! Really, why don't kids come with a friggin manual?

 

[Il softball fan]

The fact that she's not willing to work hard at it, or delay gratification while she pursues the high-level swing, might be signs of a character flaw, but I strongly doubt it. It's more likely that she just enjoys herself as she is. It's not that important to most 13-year-olds to be the best they can be at everything they do, or reach their full potential, unless parents make them that way, and that's often not a good idea (not saying you're doing that, but as a general observation). I suspect that if she found something she wanted much more that you'd find she does have the ability to work hard and delay gratification. Maybe she hasn't found her thing yet. I think that's OK. Others believe kids must have some passion at all times. I don't. Casual participation in things is underrated in childhood these days, IMO. Give 'em time. They'll figure it out.

I was struggling to come up with a response that would be helpful. I think you nailed it.
Some kids are just fine with playing the game (or other sports) just the way they are. Not everyone has to be the best, or even on a good team to enjoy playing. My dd is somewhere in the middle, and I learned a few years ago, that I was pushing too hard, and making it not enjoyable for anyone inthe family. I now sit and watch and cheer her on. I don't give any advise, or tips unless they are asked for. DW strictly prohibited me from being any way involved in coaching, and it has became much more enjoyable for all of us.

 

[djcarter1966]

It's not no-cut, though it's rare that we have enough girls that we need to cut. It just so happens that this season is probably one of them, though. I have coached all of the girls trying out at one point or another, and most of them for several years through rec ball. I know where DD falls on the talent spectrum: top 3 fielding, middle of the pack hitting, top 3 game smarts and base running. It's not a question of talent/skill, it's attitude: when she goes 100%, she is top notch. It's just very rare for her to go 100%.

I wish I could get her under another coach - and she will be this summer for rec ball. I'm coaching 12U again and she's aged up to 14U. But for MS, it's me and the 8th grade coach, we have no assistants.

I would think if she really wants to try out and hang out with her friends there is no reason to hold her back. Sounds like she would be a contributor/asset to the team.

The assumption being she is not openly defiant or purposely displaying a bad attitude, which it sounds like she is not, she just chooses to space out sometimes or play at 80% sometimes and when she does treat her like any other member of the team if it is costing the team runs and becoming an issue she can sit the rest of the game or whatever you would do to another player, again lean heavily on your other (8th grade) coach assuming it's all one team. Don't be surprised if the other coach does not notice, many times YOU know she is capable of more, but she is doing good just not great.

All this to say I would think you would want it to be her decision if she chooses not to play and not just because you advised her against it. In school a lot of times softball can be more social than competitive obviously depends on the program

 

[JAD]

When it comes to softball there is no "escalation of commitment"....

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

Told DD tonight that it's going to be on her to choose from here on out. She gets to decide what level, if any she wants to play at. She has to come to me if she wants to practice, otherwise I'm going to assume she's OK with where she's at.

Also told her that she absolutely should try out for the school team if she wants to, and encouraged her to give 100% when/if she does.

It's hard to let go, but as many of you have pointed out - it needs to be about her, not me.

 

[STRIKE3]

I can't say I disagree with any of the statements above. My DD just turned 14 a couple months ago and I like many above, have walked (and walking) in your shoes on this topic. You are far from alone on this so don't get too wrapped up in it. Most young girls (IMO) would rather be texting their friends, hanging out with their friends, etc. etc.

But, as a parent, I think I need to have an influence on the paths my DD chooses. If I just stepped back and said do whatever you want to do and DID NOT support her decisions with coaching, lessons, etc. etc. then I think I would regret it down the road. Of course, she would turn out just fine!

My DD knows she has to work hard to become a better pitcher but that doesn't mean she always wants to!! We have had the same battles so many times and I have wanted to "throw my hands in the air like I just don't care" (name that tune).

So a couple of years ago I approached it a bit differently which I think has worked well for us. We sat down and I asked her, do you still want to pitch? The answer was yes. Do you want to be a good pitcher or a great pitcher? The answer (of course) is great. Do you think you need to practice more than most to do that? The answer yes again. So how do you/we do that? How can I help you set a practice schedule that you think you need to be great.

At that point, because she was 12 at the time and she KNOWS IT ALL, SHE was in control of her schedule, how often SHE (not me) needed to practice, and if she missed a practice for something else (HOW SHE would make it up). I asked her to put a schedule together for the next month and give it to me so I could coordinate my time and make sure I was available. I was pleasantly surprised at what SHE thought she needed to do. It has worked out ever since and because it is HER schedule she is very proud of it and takes full ownership.

Lesson learned for me was as she hit 12 and 13 she felt she should have more ownership, responsibility, control because she is "older". As a parent, I still had and have influence on her softball path but she takes the ownership and it is something she is very proud of.

Just food for thought as it has worked wonders for us!

 

[Momo'sDad]

The fact that she's not willing to work hard at it, or delay gratification while she pursues the high-level swing, might be signs of a character flaw, but I strongly doubt it. It's more likely that she just enjoys herself as she is. It's not that important to most 13-year-olds to be the best they can be at everything they do, or reach their full potential, unless parents make them that way, and that's often not a good idea (not saying you're doing that, but as a general observation). I suspect that if she found something she wanted much more that you'd find she does have the ability to work hard and delay gratification. Maybe she hasn't found her thing yet. I think that's OK. Others believe kids must have some passion at all times. I don't. Casual participation in things is underrated in childhood these days, IMO. Give 'em time. They'll figure it out.

Your rationale has some validity, but by the same token, there's nothing wrong with encouraging children to give their best efforts in everything they do.

Heaping praise on mediocrity born of generalized laziness is something I could never do. While I respect the right of other parents to do so, it's not a mindset or action I can respect. That's different from simply allowing kids to find and develop their own interests and also different from providing an appropriate level of positive reinforcement when it comes to doing things "for fun". I'm not the fun police, but maybe I am the praise police. And even then, I keep it to myself.

Don't be afraid to teach kids to be honest in their efforts and there's nothing at all wrong with moving on to a different activity if x, y, or z isn't working out.