Making mistakes at practice and during games, DD struggles to recover

[tomorrow]

Had a minute to come back to this after a bit more thought. Massive tl;dr alert.

I know getting our children over the hump is the focus, and a number of books and strategies are being presented as expected. But you can go a step further and ask how you can improve as a parent and/or coach. I was a coach for a bit, now happy to just be a parent.

Some of the things I have done...

I try to react to my DD's play the same as I react to any of her teammates. I don't chirp at her teammates for a mistake, so why should I chirp at her? I know we're well meaning, but I can demonstrate being more even-keel as a spectator or coach. When my kids were learning to walk, I figured out that I can't be the first to react when they fall. If I reacted, they cried 100% of the time. If I no-sold it, they only cried if they were really hurt. Sometimes they're reacting to our energy more than the event.

Evaluate how you communicate and be honest with yourself on how effective it is. I stopped talking about getting out of her comfort zone as an example. Instead I rephrased it as as growing our comfort zone. I'm not really changing the concept, but changing the phrasing can be what unlocks understanding.

As an extension of that point, take a time to revisit progress. We get so caught up in the grind that we often don't look back to appreciate how far we've come. I have a lot of video, so I can make it sport specific. But you can use school subjects as an example. There was a time when 3+5 was hard. Now we can do that with really no perceived effort.

Finally, we're big Nebraska volleyball fans in our house. If you watch enough sports together, you can see things happen in real time and bring attention to it. In the video below, you can see Ally Batenhorst make an embarrassingly bad play on a huge stage. You see Merritt Beason say "we got you" after. Then Ally goes kill, kill, block for the next 3 points. If she pouts or lets her frustration linger, does she make those plays? Our viewing of Nebraska football suggests otherwise unfortunately. LOL. But now you have tangible behavior they can model external to their day to day life. I know as a boy, we emulated our favorite baseball players growing up. It's another learning tool at your disposal. "FRS" in the title is a reference to her mentioning "Failure Recovery System" in the post game presser. She didn't detail what exactly it was that I recall but the two resources I shared in an earlier post can give suggestions on how to go about it. (I wish whoever posted the video would have combined the presser and the action.)

Exceptional wording. "Growing our comfort zone" is exactly the life lesson that everyone involved can learn from during stressful situations.

 

[STLDuane]

Our DD is a good softball player, she's athletic and loves the game. As with many 14yr old Girls her emotions swing all over the place. One of the things we have consistently struggled with her on is how hard she is on herself when she makes a mistake at practice or during a game. She gets all in her head and can't shake it and then it starts to affect how she plays and her attitude with the other girls and the coaches. She's not "mean" she just gets quite and grumpy.

I'm not even sure where to start with this, she is SO SO SO hard on herself, we've tried so many different approaches and spoke to her that she doesn't need to take it so seriously.

Any help would be greatly appreciated

When my DD was 12u, the whole team had this problem. One mistake would lead to another and then another. Errors would become contagious.

Our coach took an entire practice teaching the team what to do when they make a mistake. She had a 3 step process:

1) Own the mistake - tap yourself on the chest and let your teammates know you are taking accountability. "My bad"
2) Tell your teammates you will pick them up. Point to them and say "I got you"
3) Flush it - clap your hands get in position and say "let's go."

Then she had them practice throwing from SS to 1B and missing the throw on purpose and practicing the 3 steps. Every practice after that, she would reinforce the 3 steps whenever there was a mistake.

It worked so well that 4 years later, when my DD wrecked my BMW into the garage, the first thing she did was tap her chest and say "My bad"

 

[Towny9]

When she lets it affect her and it shows in her body language and her attitude towards her teammates does she come out of the game? You can read all the mental books you want, but the bench is one of the greatest teachers there is.

It’s ok to be upset when something doesn’t go our way, that is a bit al human emotion. However, it can’t show up as poor body language, looking defeated, or a poor teammate. When that happens, you aren’t helping your team anymore - it has become about you.

 

[Rolling Hard]

My DD was as well. What you have to do is teach your DD how to turn that negative into a positive. When I was in HS, I was a very good free throw shooter. Why? When I missed a FT, I was "excited," My thought process was that I was a 90%+ FT shooter and so, when I missed, it meant that I was going to make 9 FT in a row. I took that same mindset to the plate in baseball. I figured I was a .500 hitter. So, if I made an out, my mindset was that I had 3 at-bats left and 2 hits. I taught my DD to think that way although it took some time. By the time she was in HS, she had learned how to turn negatives into positives. Good luck with your DD.

^^^^This is brilliant. It takes time and effort and practice to change a mindset. It doesn't happen overnight. Positive talk. Positive body language. You are who you say you are. And don't forget- Fake it until you make it.

 

[Dabears17]

Sue Enquist gave a talk on Fear and Failure at a "What Drives Winning" event. Her failure recovery system starts at ~15:40 in the video, but entire video is excellent.

Fear And Failure - What Drives Winning

Upon retiring, Sue Enquist reflected, “The first two-thirds of my career was empty W’s.” The last third was different. She examines how she became the coach she wanted to be during the last third of her career. View [...]Read More... from Fear And Failure

whatdriveswinning.com

I read the "What Drives Winning: Building Character Gets Results. Here's How." book and watched several of their videos over the summer. Excellent resource for coaches.

 

[CoachJD]

It worked so well that 4 years later, when my DD wrecked my BMW into the garage, the first thing she did was tap her chest and say "My bad"

Did you say "I got you"?

 

[CoachJD]

When she lets it affect her and it shows in her body language and her attitude towards her teammates does she come out of the game? You can read all the mental books you want, but the bench is one of the greatest teachers there is.

It’s ok to be upset when something doesn’t go our way, that is a bit al human emotion. However, it can’t show up as poor body language, looking defeated, or a poor teammate. When that happens, you aren’t helping your team anymore - it has become about you.

I'm with you on everything here related to being a poor teammate. We don't want that.

I have a bit of a different perspective on body language. I don't think it matters. Unless it does.

Body language is an outward thing; it's about communication and it does not necessarily reflect the person's actual state of mind. It does not reflect their actual attitude or their focus going forward. It could mean something, but it doesn't have to.

If a player strikes out, slumps her shoulders and goes to the end of the bench in the dugout and plants herself there with a scowl on her face until the next time she has to do something, I don't think it makes any difference as long as she can perform the next time. Her teammates will learn to give her space in those moments -- something a lot of people need and something we often don't afford those who need it, which I'd argue is way more likely to negatively affect performance.

Negative body language might be a sign that someone's in a bad mental state. It also could be someone's way of handling/processing failure.

 

[Nuwin]

Quite an interesting discussion in the video below. Ends up being much more generic than talking just catching.

They talk about allowing crying as kids, or knowing some guys just have outbursts as part of letting the failure go. I still would draw the line at throwing things in the dugout for safety and asset protection reasons. Those bats are expensive. Yikes.

I would tell our girls they had from wherever they were on field when an out was recorded to the dugout to feel whatever they wanted. But once in the dugout it was time to bounce back and support their team again. I would tweak things a bit in hindsight but it seemed to work reasonably well with offensive failure. Defensively it was more difficult as you had to be ready for the next pitch. A lot less time.

And as assistant to a HC with a pitcher, I really lacked any authority over pitchers. They turn into machines even if their body language isn't bad from the neck down. Masks cover a lot but the eyes didn't lie. Getting them to slow down and have a consistent pre pitch routine that afforded a fraction of a second to let go of the previous result good or bad was a struggle. They would also internalize any defensive error as their fault for giving up contact. An "I got you" moment in that situation could have helped so much. Maybe it's the stress of time limits? But I agonized over that one a lot.

Even my DD catcher would fall right in line with the pitcher's rapid fire response no matter how much I pleaded. Just stand in front of home for a second. Another I got you opportunity. But nope, just get sign and go even if you know the pitcher is frustrated.

Moral of that long winded story I guess is to make sure your coaches are all on the same page. Kids will react to their energy, especially when young. It only takes one outlier to derail the group.

 

[CoachCeetar]

Negative body language might be a sign that someone's in a bad mental state. It also could be someone's way of handling/processing failure.

Absolutely. Everyone processes differently, is motivated differently. Training yourself to focus on the next play instead of the last one is a skill. Some of the techniques/books listed here might help, some people prefer to sulk for a few moments, scream, etc. What's important is to not inflect your coping mechanisms on others, i.e. if you're mad at yourself for making an error, don't scream at your teammates when they make one. And of course, make sure your coping mechanisms are actually helping you move to the next play, not just dwelling.

 

[daywalkerdad]

Told DD no crying/pouting on the field. You can feel sorry for yourself in the dugout, but present confidence to your opponent. When pitching always just make the next pitch.

It appears to me a teams swing with emotion is huge. It is so important your best players show confidence and compete. If one defender makes an error, hitter strikes out, pitcher gets rocked or walks batters it will escalate through the whole team.
On the flip side a shot, defender makes a web gem, pitcher shuts down 3,4,5 hitters in a big situation the whole team will feed off that.