Feeling protective

[lstorie1971]

Daughter plays high school ball. The team has MAJOR drama problems. It got so bad that last week some of the girls started yelling at each other and a football coach thought they were going to brawl. These types of things have happened more than once.

The coach apparently decided to have individual meetings with the players to discuss team chemistry issues. She complimented my daughter for not getting involved in the incident, but indicated that there are issues with regard to her. She told my daughter that basically none of the girls like her and that she has to reach out to the other girls and try to be more friendly with them.

My daughter isn't the best player on the team, but she is probably the hardest worker and one of the best pure athletes on the team. When she practices or works out, she is very intense and goes all out. She is usually the fastest and lifts more and doesn't cut up and goof off. She doesn't like it when others don't go all out and don't put in 100% effort. She never calls anyone out or anything, she just doesn't engage in what she thinks is slacking behavior. This has been interpreted by the other as her thinking she's better than them, when in fact , it's a manifestation of a lack of self-esteem. She works that hard and is that intense as a cover for a severe lack of confidence. She thinks if she goes harder than the others they won't discover her faults or will at least be distracted from them.

Obviously, this breaks my heart. For better or worse, this is who she is and I doubt at 16 she will be able to change. Plus, I'm not sure she wants to change; she likes the intensity. I'm afraid she'll have life long problems making friends and that this type of thing might bleed into her adult life.

I'm not looking for advice. I'm just trying to vent the hurt that I am feeling. My instinct as a parent is to go to the coach and tell her that I don't want my daughter to be a part of that toxic team, but I know I can't do this. Secondarily, I find myself not liking these girls (and by extension their parents) even though I would never verbalize those feelings. I just hope she doesn't play next year. Maybe track would be better for her. I have grown to hate softball and cannot wait until we are no longer a part of it.

 

[riseball]

Sound like the coach has completely lost what ever control they had. Bad news. Sooner the season is over the better for all concerned.

 

[softballphreak]

I used to have a sign in my office that said "Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care."

What might happen if you and/or your DD make the first move towards friendship. There's more to being strong than meets the eye sometimes. Softball is a team sport!

 

[WARRIORMIKE]

Maybe it's time to walk away and have her take on new challenges like swimming or golf

 

[Sparky Guy]

Sorry... Don't buy it that at all. The coach has no friggin' idea what's wrong with that team and it shows. If it was your DD who was being isolated and picked on then I could see that being an issue. I bet the other players on the team are intimidated by your DD's work ethic. That is why they don't "like" her. She reminds them of what they should be doing.

From what you describe it sounds like that team has some issues that goes waaaaaayy beyond the team and into school itself. My guess would be two "Queen Bees" fighting for control of the team splitting the loyalty of the team members. It also sounds like you have a coach suffering from rectal-cranial insertion and he/she will never have the respect of the team. Until that happens you're in for a long season.

 

[CoogansBluff]

I appreciate that you shared this. It's hard to discuss our children's insecurities. Not many 16-year-olds don't have a bunch of them. I lose more sleep over things that are bothering my daughter than I do my own stuff, so I what you're saying hits home. As parents, we see their weaknesses because can feel them, and they pain us sometimes. They're not yet mature, confident adults. Hard being a parent spectator to their teenage years. It can be a roller coaster at best.

The only thing I can think to say is that your kid is not alone. IMO, most all teenagers have issues of confidence and self-esteem. They're all insecure at some level. It's part of being a teenager. We just can't see it in other kids like we do in our own except for those where it's obvious. Or our kids might struggle in one area more than another, and we are focused on that aspect of their personality. Sounds like you've got a resilient, smart kid who will work through it and figure it out. Her strategy now is to our-work people. She's tweak and try other ways and it will come together for her.

I don't know if this holds for you, but my daughter is more mature and thoughtful and confident than I was at 15, but she's still only 15, and she's got a lot of growing to do. It's why so many people are sentimental about our high school days. We wish we could use all our wisdom as adults to go back and fix it.

Your kid is gonna be fine. But this situation stinks. Sorry about that.

 

[SoCalASABlue]

I just hope she doesn't play next year. Maybe track would be better for her. I have grown to hate softball and cannot wait until we are no longer a part of it.

I completely understand. DD will not be playing this year for almost exactly the same circumstances as you mention. Her choice, which DW and I completely support. She will be concentrating on grades, writing scholarship and grant essays, and private physical training to get ready for D3 ball next year.

 

[Momo'sDad]

Heartbreaking indeed, but I'm betting on what Sparky said - they hate her because she's working harder than they are. That's an age-old problem all across this land.

I'd love for your daughter to have confidence in spades, but for my money, the world could use more people who work hard at their jobs in an effort to hide flaws they perceive that others see.

The only thing I would respectfully request is that you not invest too much energy into projecting insecurity about her own insecurities onto DD, which includes things like predicting that she'll struggle as an adult to make friends. I'd be willing to bet she'll be just fine when she's got more control over who is in her social circle than she does now in HS softball.

 

[Sweet Lou]

I had some similar problems in HS BB as a freshman. Not to the extent of your DD and it never came to shouting or threatened blows and I always had a few friends on the team. But coach was king of a d-bag and had no clue. I was that hard working 4th outfielder trying to crack the starting lineup who had less athletic ability than the starters but much better work ethic than any of them.

I switched to tennis after my freshman year and never looked back. Was a great decision on my part.

 

[guero_gordo]

As f'ed up as DD's HS teams are at times, a girl that goes all out but isn't social gets a pass.
I think the only lesson there for her is that sometimes you just keep doing the right things even though you know there's no external validation for it. Better than being the girl that does the wrong thing because her peers reward it.