DD may be killing he golden goose

Any advice for how to keep my sanity?

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Dealing with teenage DDS will drive anyone crazy. HS Seniors almost live in a different dimension. I'm very serious about this: "Treat her like an outpatient from a mental hospital."

I'm big on "letting the child experience the natural consequences of her decisions." It is more important for her future to understand that decisions have consequences and that she has to live with her decisions.

You should show her how to make decisions. The key phrase is "Get Real."

a) Tell her a story about how *you* made a bad decision, why you made the decision and what you should have done to make a better decision.
b) Go over the financial implications with her of her decisions. Use facts, not your opinions. E.g., "Tuition at XYZ school is $20,000. If your athletic scholarship is $10,000, you will have to borrow $10,000 per year to pay for your school. After 4 years, you will owe $40,000. To pay off the $40,000, you will have to pay $300 a month for 15 years after you graduate."
c) Go over the value of graduating from an NESCAC school. In five years, no one will care that she played softball. In five years, people will care a great deal if she graduated from Tufts, Amherst, etc. Pull out the school ratings from the US News and World Reports. Show her how School #3 is viewed by the rest of world.
d) Go over the reality of going to the different schools....again, based in fact. "It is a 8 hour drive to School #1. You will only come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. School #2 is 2 hours away. You can come home every weekend if you want."
e) "Get real" about the offers. You have to be brutally honest with her. The coach at school #1 doesn't want her. Look at the facts...if the coach wanted her, the coach would already have seen her play. That is just the way it is. (NIU didn't want my DD as a pitcher, but Ohio U did. DD beat NIU like a drum from them on.)

Sluggers- I looked up rankings and I found different categories. Any idea how to compare a #106 (national) ranking with a #10 or #37 (regional) ranking?
All good feedback, just didn't know if there was a way to compare apples?
Thanks

Go to admissions page and take a look at financial aid calculator for schools she is considering
and, like Sluggers said- give her a reality check. Once you have done this, double check the health
and fruitfulness of your money tree to make a conscious decision on her debt load after 4 years.

Also take into consideration her plans after the undergrad, as grad school is even more $$

Good stuff from Coach JV. A 103 ranking in National Universities is quite a bit better than a #31 regional ranking. At 103, you are comparing the school to Harvard, Yale, Stanford, U of Chicago, U of Va...that is a little different than comparing a school to SUNY Polytechnical.

One thing that might help is for her to do the positive-negative list for each school. Go over the list with her ...don't be judgmental. Just talk about the list and ask a lot of questions.

Be truthful with her. School #1 not wanting her is not a reflection on her. School #1 is probably doesn't need her...they likely have four other people lined up to play her position. Honestly, if she goes to School #1, she probably won't play softball for two or three years.

Again, share the times you f*d up with her. Just like we learned more from failures than successes, our kids learn more from hearing about our failures than hearing about our successes.

Umm, none of the NESCACs offer softball or merit aid-it's all need-based(like the Ivies) and need-blind, so it shouldn't matter for money when you apply. HOWEVER the NESCAC teams all have "slots " and "tips". The slots all are given up at ED-the coach gets 3-4 players that have "adequate" scores and grades and that they can "protect" thru admissions. Those player will be accepted. A 'tip" is soft support-Coach tells admissions s/he would like to see the player on the team, but it gets the same weight with admissions as any other EC, and the player may or may not be accepted.
If she doesn't commit and apply ED 1, that support may not be enough to get her in. You don't play ball for the money at those schools, but the fun of playing and the slight edge on admissions at schools with 12-25% acceptance rates for girls with straight As and 95-99%ile standardized test scores.

obbay said:

Sluggers- I looked up rankings and I found different categories. Any idea how to compare a #106 (national) ranking with a #10 or #37 (regional) ranking?
All good feedback, just didn't know if there was a way to compare apples?
Thanks

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Another thing to consider. Your DD will not get any money without your signature to guarantee the loans. Went through that with my older DD falling behind on her loans. I started to get phone calls and letters looking for money. It will also effect your credit score. So you do have a vested interest in the decisions she makes.

DD is not talking to me these days, either too busy or just wants me to butt out.

I'm big on "letting the child experience the natural consequences of her decisions."

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That is definitely going to happen!

DD#1 has been able to talk to her and she informed me that DD#2 has given up on the NESCAC school anyway. She's counting 100% on being accepted at her #1 choice and getting sufficient scholarship money. That could make all of our lives easier, if the fairy tale comes true. She may have a rude awakening in December when she hears back on the Early Action schools.
I wanted to make sure that the schools she was applying to were schools that she would like, whether or not she was playing softball. I didn't consider that she might have a school that she wants to go to more than playing softball.
I emailed coach at #1 school with some parent questions and she responded that she wants DD to arrange an overnight/official visit. I can't even get to talk to DD about this yet, and it needs to happen soon.

They said this would be an exciting time, but there is no positive excitement whatsoever. Between her health issues and the state of mind associated with it, and the drama she is manufacturing, I'll be glad when this is over!
God help me......
(Actually I may need therapy to get through this)

Are you sure about the financial aid issues you mentioned regarding applying for regular admission at the NESCAC school? Many moons ago (graduated in 1997) I played baseball for a NESCAC school, Tufts. Back then the coach would put a good word in for you with admissions and try and get your financial aid bumped up but it wasn't dependent on whether you applied early or not..it depended upon how badly they wanted you.

Things have probably changed since then but I would try and see if your assumption regarding aid is correct.

pattar said:

Are you sure about the financial aid issues you mentioned regarding applying for regular admission at the NESCAC school? Many moons ago (graduated in 1997) I played baseball for a NESCAC school, Tufts. Back then the coach would put a good word in for you with admissions and try and get your financial aid bumped up but it wasn't dependent on whether you applied early or not..it depended upon how badly they wanted you.

Things have probably changed since then but I would try and see if your assumption regarding aid is correct.

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NESCAC is like the ivies. Blind need based awards only. We did the math for a couple of schools pursuing my DD and wow. $30K a year after the "help" is too tough to stomach.

Orange Socks said:

NESCAC is like the ivies. Blind need based awards only. We did the math for a couple of schools pursuing my DD and wow. $30K a year after the "help" is too tough to stomach.

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Yeah, I guess things have changed in 20+ years . I would have received financial aid either way (father was a HS math teacher and mother was a librarian..) but the coach sweetened it some for me. I still ended up with about 15K in debt due to loans which I paid off
after graduate school.