what to do with "that kid"

[ArkFastpitch]

have you thought about retiring from coaching? I find the games more enjoyable in a chair hiding beer in a foam cup like the rest of the parents. Seriously though, I had this exact same problem when I coached 10u. I decided my dd would be better off with someone else coaching. I also realized she was getting a reputation as a brat and good players would not want to join my team because of it. I would guess she is a good player, maybe the best, on your team. Find a team where she is challenged to work hard and control her attitude for playing time. You are not doing her any favors allowing this to continue. Good luck. I've been there.

I had pretty much the same issue with my own DD. I also gave up coaching . Come to find out I was the one causing the problem. I was so critical of everything she did. Even when she did what I asked I still didn't give her the credit she deserved. The worse her attitude got the harder I was on her. Once I finally opened my eyes ,I stepped down and it was like a totally different little girl. It was the best thing I ever did for the relationship with my daughter.

 

[vcackerman]

I'm struggling with this a bit myself. The first thing that she needs to realize is that in the car back and forth to games/practice you are mom but once you arrive, you are coach and that you have 11-12 players to worry about. It's hard for them to separate the two. I'm also having an assistant coach her and I coach my assistants daughter. They both will tune out.

 

[JAD]

I think the answer to the question would be based on the age and level of play. I would be a lot more "understanding" at younger age groups, and lower levels of play (REC ball). In high level TB I would give them one warning, then she is gone.

 

[sluggers]

As easy as it is to say get rid of the problem, on this one I can't... she is my kid.

I missed that.

This dynamic is pretty common. The parent-coach is not happy with the child's behavior/commitment/focus/whatever. The end result is that the team becomes primarily about the parent-coach's relationship with the child rather than softball. Eventually, everyone gets tired of it...

Quick horror story: When my DD#3 was 13YOA, her TB coach had his DD on the team. They got into a screaming match in the 3rd inning...he was in the dugout, and she was in RF. He walked out to the pitching mound where my DD was pitching, screaming at her. It was pathetic. My DD#3 quit the team soon after that. The truth is that the dad was the problem.

If your child does not have problems with her behavior at school, then the problem is probably with you. It happens. Parents do not realistically evaluate their child's talent level and misremember their own experience as a child. The result is that the parent creates unreasonable expectations that the child can never fulfill.

Anyway...it is obvious that you and she are like oil and water on the softball field. It isn't working. You have to give up coaching if you want your child to develop as a player. What you should probably do is spend all of your time coaching your child individually rather than trying to coach a team.

If you child is "good", she needs to learn to play for someone else anyway.

Right now, you need to create separation between you and her. Get an Assistant Coach and turn over everything about playing time, position and batting order position to him/her. During practice, whenever the team is split up, she goes with the AC and not you.

If the AC perceives a problem in her behavior, let him/her deal with it. Stay out of it.

 

[marriard]

Probably need to have all coaching done by proxy - have one of your assistants become her coach. If you want to convey something it comes third party. We have that on our team - it works reasonably well. Let others coach her.

I guess you have probably been coaching her for awhile and she has 'heard it all before'. Which she probably has. I known mine has (she told me so ). I can see it - they have to hear it at home, and then when she is at softball she still has to hear it.

Over time even though I am lucky enough that my DD still listens to me (somewhat), I could see it coming so I have stepped back more and more. Her lessons with her pitching coach/batting coaches really have become me saying very, very little if anything at all. It has been good. Team practices I do a little more, but if the other coaches can do it on my behalf, I let them at.

Seems like pretty typical pre-teen/early behavior. Good luck in general.

Last thought - unless of course she really crosses then the line. Then it is not coach time, it is parent time.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

On the field, she has to be "any other player" and she needs to understand that. My own granddaughter has started to mouth off to me, she just turned 5. I sit her down. No toys. My husband has a saying that "People treat you the way that you let them."

Have you tried talking about softball, after the fact, and when she is in a good mood?

 

[djcarter1966]

As soon as you started the story I was betting 90% chance it was the coaches kid. I have been there and been that parent/coach, it is not easy, I was lucky in that my daughter played outfield and my asst coach DD (who had same issues) played infield so he became the outfield coach and I coached infield and that solved probably half the problem. The other half was probably split between my perception and her still being uncoachable know it all...so in the end we just put up with her 25% bad attitude which is closer to normal for 13YO teenager

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I watched an 11 yo stand at SS with her arms folded across her chest, last season. She made no effort to move to the ball. People were really grumbling about her. (rec ball). I asked who she was. "Head coaches kid." She was mad because her BF was old enough to drive and her folks didn't let her date him.

And, her dad would let her tell him off, on the field.

The dad really wasn't doing her any favors by letting this happen in public.

 

[aneasy643]

On the field, she has to be "any other player" and she needs to understand that. My own granddaughter has started to mouth off to me, she just turned 5. I sit her down. No toys. My husband has a saying that "People treat you the way that you let them."

Have you tried talking about softball, after the fact, and when she is in a good mood?

Funny you say that... we can talk softball all day long. She'll ask about everything from specific situational plays, whether or not I wore mismatched socks when I played and most recently she's been very interested in learning to call pitches and why. I've learned to let her ask about the extras- after all she's 11 and if she asks I know she's interested and that's fun for both of us.

 

[aneasy643]

I watched an 11 yo stand at SS with her arms folded across her chest, last season. She made no effort to move to the ball. People were really grumbling about her. (rec ball). I asked who she was. "Head coaches kid." She was mad because her BF was old enough to drive and her folks didn't let her date him.

And, her dad would let her tell him off, on the field.

The dad really wasn't doing her any favors by letting this happen in public.

Wow... that's just well, wow.